DH is so fecking unreasonable (or am I?) - sorry, it's long.

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

We have DD (nearly 1) and both work full-time. We had a rough weekend due to a long journey and DD not feeling so well. We were fine yesterday evening and apart from a few work stresses (me), we've been getting on really well. We've been married for 2 years but together for 10.

He came to bed last night and started to have a go at me for going running last night. I generally go on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays (I'm training for a 10K Cancer Research Run in Oct which he has fully supported) but last Wednesday, due to work stresses, I didn't. I went on the Thursday instead. He said that I was being selfish by going on the Thursday as he might have wanted to go running that day (he hasn't been running in months). I explained that had he said he wanted to go on the Thursday, he could have gone first and I would have gone when he came back. I was still wrong, apparently as it was the principle of the thing.

Secondly, he accused me of not allowing him to make any decisions regarding our DD. I suggested that we start to use tap water for her bottles but he said that we should continue to use cooled, boiled water. We still use cooled, boiled water. I'm a veggie but suggested that she eat meat. He didn't want her to eat meat so, she's a veggie too. We discussed starting to give her cows milk. We were shopping at the weekend and he picked up some cows milk for her and so we bought it and she's tried some.

So I'm this really horrible person who apparently bullies him and never lets him have a say. We both went to sleep not talking (I was so furious that I thought it best not to say anything for fear of completely exploding). This morning, I get up for work, take him a cup of tea as usual and he kisses me! He asks if I am alright and I said that after the character assassination, I wasn't actually "alright". He said that as it was a new day, I shouldn't even mention it.

I find myself quite baffled. Either I am this horrible person he simply can't bear or I am actually okay and therefore he chooses to kiss me.

I am going absolutely fecking mad or is my DH?

It sounds to me as though there is something in particular which has 'got to' your dh, and he is picking on other non - issues to express this frustration.

well you are arguing over silly things which can indicate a deeper issue

you are engaged in power struggles

should we use cooled boiled water or tap water

meat or no meat

do you discuss parenting or not?

without meaning to have you simply done things for your DD without involving your DH?

As for the kiss this morning - some people can compartmentalise and he probably has forgotten it

nope, neither - you are both absolutely normal people who are knackered by work and having a small person, and organising, and exercising and life. it didn't settle down in this house until the youngest was toddling tbh (and we've got 3!) the best way to deal with it is to smile and say 'i have no idea how we got into this situation, isn't it weird?' and go and buy a jogging buggy so you can all go together at the weekend. it's far more fun and you can take it in turns to sprint off and stretch your legs - good to get him out too.
honestly, it's all fine, don't stress, and don't take it to heart. there's so little time that it's all taken up with decisions and stress and toing and froing.
oh, and it's a new day, you shouldn't even mention it unless you're going to say 'blimey - do you think we can do better today?'
nb - i'd be expecting him to do the same thing - it's really not worth letting it get to you.
relax!

i agree with ruby, you are arguing over the minutiae . you need to talk/ listen/ communicate and sort of regroup.. sit down, glass of wine and talk.. discuss parenting, discuss your lives together. you sound like you both feel you are on your own in this., you need to reconnect

I'm just baffled though as to how I can be so apparently repellent and then loveable without a word being said. He said that I am a nasty bully despite me consulting him on all aspects of DD's upbringing.

As mentioned, we both work full-time but I tend to do most of the childcare (he plays on the computer or whatever), getting up in the night etc. As I'm the one who does the research in terms of when things should change for DD, I'm the one making the suggestions. I'm not trying to takeover in anyway; I'm actively engaging him on all aspects of her care.

I just feel so upset that I am apparently such a horrible person who bullies him .

No advice, but I think that's actually a pretty nasty way to behave. He has his say, leaves you speechless and you're not supposed to be able to talk about it.

I am a bit like your DH
I blow up, mention ridiculous things and act completely irrationally and then calm down and forget about it.
It is normally because I am bothered by something bigger.

he called you a "nasty bully" which isn't nice

but i think he does feel pushed out - you say you are "consulting" him, you do all the "reasearch" - without meaning to perhaps you haven't inlucded him in a way he wants

so, as Lulu says, sit down with a glass of wine and re-group

It sounds more like he's bullying you TBH. It is never ever a good idea to read a partner a list of his/her faults without acknowledging any of either his/her good points or allowing the partner to suggest that your own behaviour could do with some modifying as well. Though a lot of this is, as others have said, more a matter of you both being tired and ratty and having too much to do and too little time: a sit down and a chat about what you can both do to make things better for all ofyou is not a bad idea.

erm. actually you're not - because when you suggest something, and he disagrees, you get the hump. it's 50/50 whether it's him or you tbh and doesn't really matter too much either way. you can hardly say you are actively engaging him in all aspects of her care when if he disagress with a suggestion you make you get upset and then he gets cross...
incidentally - i'm exactly the same so i'm not criticsing, i'm just further down the road lol - i make all the decisions (with the occasional question towards dh - he's sensible enough now never to disagree) and do all the research. i just know i'm bloody minded and so does he.
you just both need to lighten up and work out how you will solve this 'who's in charge' conundrum. it's all perfectly normally behaviour on both your parts at this point in your relationship and with dd at the age she is now. you just have to breathe and work out the best way forward. not taking it so seriously would be a good start. he doesn't think you are bully, he just loses his temper when you take charge.
it would be a good start to elbow him in the kidneys next time she wakes in the night and suggest he goes and settle her.

You are not repellent. And you know it. He was just angry and upset last night and lashed out. If you can, let it go and start today afresh. I know it's not easy.

I find it amazing that any relationships survive the first few years of a childs life TBH. Especially whilst working.

So does he disagree with you, ie the meat, just to have a diferent opinion??? Does he do his own research and have his own opinions or is he just whinging??? Have you said what you just said to him, ie I have done some research, it's time to make this decision, then give him time to come up with something?? If he doesn't then go with your idea.

My DH can be like this, he gets annoyed if I organise a party for one of the dd's, but if I left it to him it wouldn't get done, then he picks at stupid stuff. He hated the tiny house we lived in before so when my mum offered her house, as she had the year before, he went mad cos I hadn't asked him. I get fed up of it. Then for dd2's 1st birthday he asks me the night before have we got her a present?? I said I have, have you???

Sorry think I just unloaded some of my issues on your thread.

BandofMothers - yes! This happens alot. He says, "Oh I don't mind, you sort it out". When I do sort it out, he complains that it isn't how he would like.

On a brighter note, I sent him an email this morning saying how upset I felt about last night and how sad I feel about the things that he said to me. He came back with an apology and confessed that he was projecting a few worries that he had and a feeling of 'existing' rather than living. We have a few business opportunities that we are looking into but to be honest, I think that he expects a life less ordinary without actually doing anything about it.

Hmm, I know what you mean. Wouldn't it be lovely if it all fell into your laps?? I hate the fact that they do this kind of thing, apologise, then expect you to forget it. Mine gets really annoyed if I harken back to things that have happened even in the recent past, but we all react based on what we've experienced don't we, what else do we have to base our life and decisions on???

It really sounds like you need to learn to listen to each other

Because actually, it isn't about the ISSUES, but you do sound like you are not HEARING him, and he sounds like he is not HEARING you

Saying 'no no you are wrong' is not really helpful when either party is feeling something, whether they are justified in feeling it, or not

I think that a relationship counsellor would help you MASSIVELY and teach you skills which would avoid these horrible stressed days

it sounds like the two of you are just stressed.
i mean even in your own post about how unreasonable he is, you have mentioned things about yourself which he could just as easily say were unreasonable about you.
I'm not saying that YABU just that in this situation where the two of you seem frazzeled they could easily be construed by him as being unreasonable.
e.g. did you ask if he minded you going out running on the thursday? seeing as you already have an agreed mon,wed,fri arrangment which you say he is fully supportive of he could see it as you doing what you want when you want with no regard for him or your agreement. once again i'm not saying this is what you were thinking but it is how i could appear to him when you are both stressed.
you already have 3 nights a week agreed that s your time but because you didn't feel like using one of your nights you just changed it.
also your comment "after the character assassination, I wasn't actually "alright". "
could be taken by him as an attempt to prolong an argument when he had just offered you a kiss by way of apology.

i'm not trying to have a go at you, i'm saying you need to talk as both of you seem to be snapping over minor things, most likely as a way to release frustration over a bigger problem.

I'm just baffled though as to how I can be so apparently repellent and then loveable without a word being said.

I see your point, but when he tried to kiss you and ask how you were I think he was reaching out and trying to move on. As a rule I think if someone reaches out to you you ought to acknowledge it (that's not to say you don't need to talk about it if its something that was very upsetting, but you ought to recognise that the other is trying to make amends).

Perhaps he said what he said previously as he was in a bad mood and you just pushed his buttons. I think you might be misreading the situation to focus too much on the thing about making decisions about DD - that was just the thing that set him off feeling grumpy and snappy when he was having a bad day generally.

When I get irritated or snappy with DH, I tend to make up by first reaching out and touching him physically (not saying much). He usually then takes my hand to show that he acknowledges I've reached out to him. Then once he's done that I usually say "I'm sorry I was nasty" and he says "It's OK" and we hug. My DH sometimes is snappy or unreasonable and he tends to approach making up in the same way.

I don't know about you but if I am having a bad day I can certainly go from thinking my lovely DH is the most irritating man on the planet and what a burden it is to be married to him, and then later on, when I've got it out of my system, I feel v sorry for what I have said and try to make up and feel very blessed to be with him.

I think you should talk about the "character assassination" and whether there is anything in it, and how upsetting it was for you, but you should have this talk at some point when you're getting on well and you feel close together again.

Well, I must say that I had initially expected a barrage of, "oh he's awful and you are right". There's my ego for ya!

So, we spoke yesterday and last night and both acknowledged sources of significant stress and discussed how we could change that. I'm now getting more time to focus on building up my business (it's a sideline but could prove lucrative - money being one of our sources of stress). I've also arranged to work from home for a second day per week now which I think will help.

He said that he felt that we were existing rather than truly living and that we both had too little time with our daughter. We're actively working on changing that (business idea) so here's hoping it bears fruit.

Thanks for your support and realistic advice mumsnetters. I really appreciate it.

so pleased - hope you both manage to relax a little more and work it all out so that it benefits your whole family xx

and don't forget to buy a jogging buggy