Husband still won't budge!

[littlemissworry]

This time with a title!!
Well, six weeks down the line after I came to my parents and h still refuses to budge from our home. Despite my pleas for him to see that I came away because I'm unhappy (he admits he has hurt me) and would he move out so dc can go home he won't go. Now they are back at school (in different schools too) my youngest has 20 mins to travel compared with 5 mins when living at home, and isn't yet allowed over lunchtime (due to attachment disorder issues) so I have to go and pick him up for the lunchhour and we have to have a picnic in the car. So sometimes I have 2 hours driving each day - just for him. And then there is ds1 to get to and from school. Thank goodness my parents can help with journeys. h accepts I need some time apart (great) but doesn't seem to care that three of us are going to have to rent a small terrace, taking a fair chunk of the furniture from him as it belongs to me, while he rattles around in a four bedroom detached house working in the office extension that my dad paid for to be added on! Now, maybe I'm unreasonable, but he doesn't seem to be moved at all by the fact that his dc are being uprooted - of course it's all my fault because I came away BUT it was because he'd made me unhappy. The rift is growing ever wider; he says he loves us all but he doesn't seem to be showing it.

lmw - I was just thinking about you today!

I'm no expert but I think you need to speak to a lawyer (or maybe you've already done that?).

Does the house come with his job? Is that why he wants to stay? (I mean because of the 'shame' of you two being seperated?) Or is he just being selfish?

Other than that, how are you coping?

You need to a solicitor.

He's just being selfish, I think. He is holding out for me to come home despite me repeatedly saying I WILL NOT COME HOME I AM UNHAPPY. He says it's in the interests of the boys he's staying but he must be on another planet as I can't work out how that is. The house is joint owned by us and doesn't come with the job so there is no reason why he has to stay. Plus I've quite reasonably said he can use the office to work if he wants if he's living elsewhere.
Other than that, I'm ok but I hate what he's putting us all through. He makes me feel very guilty about it all.

It's a joint asset.

You need to get a solicitor.

We've seen a solicitor and she says the only way to get him out is to file for divorce or to get judicial separation. That would mean selling the house I should think. I've been told I can divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour but I'm not ready for that yet.

then go for separation.

he may back down when he realises he needs to get out or sell up.

because he's making it very clear to you that he is not going any other way.

he is now using this house to control you.

he thinks he can wear you down and you will 'come home' because you won't do anything.

prove him otherwise.

Actually, that's not a bad idea. I hadn't thought of that expat - thanks!

Listen to expat - she is wise.

And that's absolutely right, it's all about him still having power over you. The more you take control of things, the stronger you'll feel and the easier it'll all become.

Hope your dcs are ok too.

dcs seem to be fine at the moment. ds2, I'm sure, is better since we've been apart - I don't think he's got a good relationship with his dad.
Sometimes I feel really strong and other times really guilty; I feel bad as I've talked to lots of friends about it, but I can't make up the reasons why I've left him. I bet he thinks I'm a really bad penny, especially since I wrote to the bishop - he won't let me forget that one!

See I think that he sees me as a real baddie. I walked away and refuse to go back, I've asked him to move out several times, I wrote a letter to the bishop that caused difficulties for him. That is all he can see. And he thinks I'm bad for keeping the boys away from their home.

Don't let him make you feel guilty. You have to move on from him controlling your every emotion - although I think you are doing so well so far.

You have done nothing - absolutely nothing - wrong. Please try to remember that.

Thank you squeaver . I know really that I musn't feel guilty. He is coming over this pm to see boys and I'm sure more will be said as I sent him an e-mail last night with a few home truths in it, although I think it was very fair. My sister reckons we should only talk on a superficial level at the moment though and discuss dcs and any practical things.

I think your sister is right.

And I definitely think you need to see a solicitor.

So, here goes with what is happening. Had quite a difficult weekend with conversations about feelings, and emotions were running very high. I sent him an e-mail telling him exactly how I feel and now I don't think there is any going back - I actually feel incredibly liberated at the moment, although I'm sure there will be periods of guilt. I have got myself a solicitor but in the meantime (and you may think I'm a mug) me and dcs are renting near to my parents. I'm fortunate to have a family who are able to help financially so that side of it isn't a problem for 6-12 months; it's just the upheaval, although right now the boys are excited about the prospect of a 'new house'. We are going to counselling, but from my point of view to state how I feel with a third party present and I have more or less told him that. I can't see any other way than divorce now. So once I can take that step the house will be sold and we will have to think about living arrangements again. ds2 doesn't want to go back to 'home'; I do think a fresh start for the three of us will be a good thing.

Good for you!

Your H sounds like a control freaked arse!

Good that you told the Bishop - how he is allowed to have a congregation when he is so awful to his wife is beyond me! what sort of religion would tolerate that!!?

Go for it and you will be happier.