Anything your parents have let slip now you are an adult that you were oblivious to as a child?

[twentypence]

My dad said on the phone "oh, there's that mountain we climbed on the telly. You remember when I took you and your brother away for a holiday and mum stayed at home."

I didn't catch all of what mum said - but it was something to the effect that she wasn't best pleased to be reminded of the time they split up.

I had no idea - I just thought dad got more leave.

what an intresting read! there are so many family secrets, i could be here all day with ours!

ShowOfHands, that is so sad, I know it was different then but my god, how could she have done that?

This is a fascinating thread. In a way, I find it reassuring that so many families are as screwed up / uptight / fallible as mine. Makes me feel normal, and comforted.

Here a few of mine:

• That I have an aunt and cousins I have never met, because the rest of the family ostracised them because they didn't like her husband, who she ran away with. Found this out when I was around 8 or 10.

• That my Mom spent an undisclosed amount of time in a psychiatric hospital when I was around 3 or 4 years old, most likely after my middle sibling had died. I was given to the neighbours, while my eldest sibling stayed home with my father. Found this out from my eldest sibling only a couple years ago. It explains a lot about my Mom's relationship to me.

My parents were my adopted parents and older when they adopted me. My dad died years ago but my mum died at christmas, having suffered from dementia for many years. I found out from my cousin that none of my dad's sisters could stand my mum and that they felt she would never be good enough for my dad. The one sister still alive refused to attend her funeral. She had never done anything to any of them, but they just decided she was not good enough and that was that until she died aged 90.

I can't believe I never noticed as a child, but looking back she would refuse to visit my grandmother when we all went to visit. Strangely, my aunts were all good to me, bought me gifts and made allowances for me. I can't believe how naive I was and how I was sheltered from this, but shows how sad and futile this behaviour is.

When I was 1 my mum left my dad, married Someone else, left him a month later and got back with my dad! My mum and dad are still together now but I only found out a few years ago when I found her divorce papers.

My mum told me recently that her and the dad of my best friend in the first two years of primary school, had been a sort of an item before she met my dad.
Only, my grandmother basically stopped them getting together (because he was a "shoe maker" - he went on to own a successful shoe shop).

Not a big issue, obviously, particularly now (over 40 years later).

But, in a way I'm glad we moved town and we lost contact. I can imagine how awkward it might have become.

magicstar1

Being first cousins is not that big a deal.
I know at least two couples who are.

And how do you hide something like that?
But if the marriage was allowed, then it's not a problem.
Permits are to avoid the marriage of first cousins that are genetically too similar (say offspring of identical twins, and so effectively like half siblings, or when the parents were themselves first cousins, for example).

At 17, I found out that an aunt had found the local vicar, who had killed himself, about 20 years ago. Everyone thought it was very sad.

Last year, a (grown up) cousin admitted that he had been abused by this vicar as a boy

My mother let on a few years ago that her father wasn't her biological dad, the Hungarian circus strongman living across the street was. Makes sense as my mother (and my sister and I) was tall, broad and quite dark while her brother and sisters are all petite and blonde.

Not me but a friend found out aged 12 that her mum was actually her dads wife as her mother had killed herself when she was 1. Everybody thought she knew, she was really upset as you can imagine when her grandmother casually said it was a shame her daughter died so Friend never got a chance to know her mum.

My uncle swears that my dad fathered a child when he was around 15/16 years old. It was quite the scandal of the village. Apparently dad had to be moved from the school he was attending because this girls relatives all went there and wanted to kill him.

I could have a half-brother or sister who is around 25 years older than me.

Okay mine: my Uncle was arrested for cottaging in the 50/60s. He went on to marry and have 3 kids, but I do wonder if the reason his marriage failed was because he was gay. It's hard to ask cousins you only know a bit if their late father was gay. I also have suspicions as to his other activities which may have been dubious.
I think a cousin is gay, but again it is something hard to ask bluntly, unless they introduce you to a partner (and we have a friend I would swear is gay, except we know her male partner of the last 25+ years).
At least one of my great grandparents was Jewish, but this was a big secret even though some of their children kept their heritage. My Mums cousins married men with nice Jewish careers (fur trader or jeweller) and lived in very Jewish areas. My Mum even looked Jewish enough to be specially looked after by her Jewish landladies when she first left home.
One of my great grandmothers used different first names for the father on the birth certificates of her sons. I mean to find out more about this one day.

Another one whose Grandma 'had' to get married. My Mum knew as my GM had told her when drunk but her older brother only found out after GM and GD had died and he found their wedding cert. They had told him a different wedding date all his life.

The same GM also told my Mum that my GD had been married before her and was a widower with children. Apparently the children had been taken in by other, female, relatives as it wasn't seen as the 'done thing' to allow a man to raise his children by himself (late 1930s). Mum has no idea how many half siblings she has or where they are as GM didn't know any more about them. GD was 11 years her senior and had already died at this point.

GM's DF was informally adopted by the landlord and landlady of the local pub. His parents had 12/13 children, when they moved back to Ireland they left their youngest with the couple as they were unable to have children themselves.

I was well into my teens when I found out that my Uncle (Mum's brother) had been homeless. He was a trainee doctor and one day just went missing out of the blue. My grandparents eventually tracked him down & brought him home but then he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. My Mum had always bought The Big Issue and I didn't think too deeply about it until that revelation.

I was also an adult when I found out my grandparents met at a ball and were married 12 days later and moved to the Far East, and that my very English Mum was actually born in Malaysia!

My brother (youngest child and only son) was an accident. I always thought they kept trying until they got a son.

My mum and dad had a rough patch when I was about 5/6. Dad went to canada for 3 weeks, but all I remember is him coming back with a My Little Pony for me. They sorted it as they are still together.

My great uncle (who I never met thankfully) tried to rape his youngest sister. He also killed a man whilst drink driving. He 'lost' his own father's Will, which lead twenty years of unsucessful legal action from my grandpa. He made my grandpa and his nephews and neices homeless. He was generally a very nasty piece of work.

Grandpa opened the champagne and was delighted when his younger brother died. I was shocked at the time, but only found out the worst details after I was about 20.

One great grandma was knocked up when she got married at 17. Another was illegitimate. My grandma has a secret half brother. My other grandparents were cousins.

After my mum died I helped my dad sort out her clothes, at which point I found out she owned crotchless knickers Worst thing I probably wouldn't of noticed if dad hadn't said, "oh look, crotchless knickers"

Was there anything I was oblivious to as a child?

Nope, I was pretty much up to speed with all the affairs and mental health issues and rows and unhappiness from the age of about eight.

I never knew until I was an adult that my grandparents had spent twenty odd years separated and were only actually 'together' out of some strange convenience (haven't quite worked this part out). It only came out when my dad was mentioning decorating their bedrooms.

This one was mortifying and I never needed to know! Was helping my grandma sort out my Granadad's belongings when he passed away. Found his army medical papers. He had been treated for an sti My grandma was completely non-plussed and just muttered something about hussies abroad

Until my parents got married when i was a toddler, my dad's family had no idea i existed. They found out at the wedding itself when i arrived. Apparently my nan cried her eyes out.

I remembered something else. A few years ago my Mum told me she'd been called into the Headteacher's office when I was at Primary school, to discuss my 'attitude problem'. Apparently, there was an optional extra test that a few kids were selected to take, (doing so would secure more funding for school computers.) I was one of those kids, and I remember being asked by the Head "Do you want to sit this test, Error?" I replied, "No thanks, not really."

My Mum was fuming with the Head. She told the him not to ask such an obvious question if he didn't want an honest answer from me, and huffed out!

I was really proud of my Mum for that, as growing up I always had the impression she was a bit of a mousey character. I knew she stuck up for me because she's my Mum, but when she told me this story I truly began to realise she always had my back. She said she didn't want me to feel like I could never question authority.

Just thought I'd add that little triumphant story to balance out a lot of the desperately sad ones on this thread. All completely fascinating but such a shame for the posters that your families had to go through traumatic times. I'm especially about the ones where young women were forced into abortions or had to give up their babies because of the shame.

Mums mum had 3 children by different men in the 1930's. Th eldest was brought up as grandma's brother by my GGM.
Found out my eldest brother was not my dad's by overhearing my DF refer to 'x's father'. I was about 11.
My DF had fathered a child with a married woman before marrying my mum, but the woman's husband made them move away to Australia. Dad revealed this in his last days.

My nan told me a few years ago that she was never really in love with my Grandad. She claims he used to follow her around and sit on the wall outside her house, and she only said 'yes' to him because she was sick of him asking.

She regrets doing it because he wouldn't let them have any more DC after their PFB, My DF, was born Deaf. :( (probably through Rubella, and she won't accept that it can still happen now.)

I have just spent ages reading this thread, which has been going years. Some really sad stories and some really amazing ones too. Families are so complicated, aren't they? Even the ones that look so normal from the outside.