PLEASE Help! Urgent advice needed! I want to leave my husband.

[SummerC]

I don't know where to start. I used to post to mumsnet quite frequently, but haven't been around in ages. This is my situation:

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have dd who is 8 months. My husband has always been prone to mood swings and has spent most of our marriage depressed. I have asked him countless times to get help, but he flat out refuses. As miserable and grumpy as he has been, I have never been scared of him...but today I am.

We have two cats and one of them has a sensitive stomach. She was being sick on the floor this morning (laminate, not even carpet) and he absolutely went after her. He chased her into the bedroom screaming at her and when she hid under the bed to get away he sat on the floor and started kicking under the bed trying to get her. I know it might sound like something tiny, but he really scared me. He flipped out and went nuts over something so small. If he goes after our cat for being sick what is he going to be like when our daughter is sick? He grew up watching his father abuse his mother and I always thought because of seeing that, he would never do the same. But he's never flipped out like this before and before it escalates and he does something worse, I want out. I don't know what I would do to him if he ever hurt our daughter.

Here's my problem: I do have somewhere I could go for the short term. My friend is on holiday for two weeks and I know she wouldn't mind me staying at hers while she's away. I know she would let my daughter and me stay indefinitely. But I don't know what I would do with my daughter when I'm at work. I currently work part time. We have worked my schedule so I work when my husband is off and he therefore takes care of our daughter. But I don't trust him with her now and I can't afford childcare on my pitiful wages. I'm stuck here and I don't know what to do.

The other issue is a pretty major one. My husband and I are waiting for our house to sell so we can emigrate back to Canada (I'm Canadian). Obviously if I leave him, I will be stuck in the UK. I cannot see any court allowing me to take our daughter 3000 miles away permanently. But I can't afford to live in this country as a single parent.

I am so confused. He's at work now and won't be back until 6pm tonight. I need to have something in place before then. Please please help me. I need some advice.

Thanks

also if you do go make sure you get your cats to the Cats protection League too

hope you both are going to be ok

The Cats Protection League? The girls would be coming with me. There is no way I would give them away or leave them behind. They were my babies long before my dd came along.

People who are violent to animals often become violent to children. That is why the RSPCA advise social services when they remove animals from homes with children. People who can abuse something helpless like a cat and have no self control are capable of abusing a child - and it's all down to 'temper' or bad mood or whatever.
If you feel scared of him, or that he may be violent, you should address it, and if you want to leave, and have done for a while, it should be possible.
Have a look at your visa, is it a permanent resident's one? Does it say 'no recourse to public funds'? IME you should be able to access benefits. If you have no personal debts to pay you should be able to survive on housing benefit, tax credits and child benefit. It's tight but manageable. You could move out, then work on getting back to canada if that's what you want. If H was going to go with you he might want to go anyway?

It wouldn't necessarily be stamped on your passport. It could be in the letter you got from the Home Office when you got leave to remain as far as conditions.

However, it could be argued the benefits would be for your DD, who is British.

Wishing you love strength and masses of support. There are so many women in abusive situations who - quite understandably - dont want to see themselves as abused and are reluctant to admit it or confide in others. The fact that you have done both means you are strong enough, with help, to take the next step.
Good luck and [[hugs]

As far as I'm aware, if you have Indefinite Leave to Remain (ie permanent residency) in the UK you are eligible to receive benefits etc. As for the Hague Convention, even if you did get yourself and your daughter back to Canada, your H is within his rights to petition the courts to make you bring his daughter back to the UK. Not great news, I'm sure. I've heard a lot about this recently as someone we know is an Australian (woman) who left her UK husband and took the kids back to Australia, he went to the courts and she had to come back to the UK (not permanently) but had to go to court and agree terms whereby she has to bring them to the UK for seven weeks per year.

Wishing you lots of support.

No, even if you do have leave to remain, you are not entitled to some benefits.

When I got mine, I had to sign something at the Home Office saying that I understood I could not be a burden to the state and this included non entitlement to unemployment benefits etc.

Obviously the best option is for the OP to work out access arrangements in advance, but it's early days.

Thank you so much for all the messages ladies. I spent most of the morning on here reading and posting and then decided to get out of the house and try to clear my head. So me and dd went for a long walk (in the pouring rain as well) and then to a cafe for coffee (and milk for dd). I'm still nervous for when he gets home (two hours from now), but my head is clear and I know what I want. I want out. I want to be able to raise my daughter knowing that he can never hurt her, physically, emotionally or mentally. So when he gets home I am going to ask him to leave. If he refuses, then my daughter and I will go to my friend's house for awhile until I figure out where we go from there.

I can't thank you enough for you support. I am going to speak to the Home Office on Monday to find out the conditions of my indefinite leave to remain and whether or not I qualify for assistance. I'm also going to speak to my solicitor about divorce, maintenance and what my chances are of getting back to Canada.

Thanks again. It means so much to me that you all took time out of your day to help.

Good for you SummerC - please let us know what happens and post as soon as you can

idea: you may qualify for citizenship as you've been in the UK legally for a number of years in which case as a british citizen, you can claim benefits.

SummerC.
You are canadian. You and your dh is planning to move back to Canada. Your daughter is Canadian too, citizenship follows the mother.

Ok, so he went berserk over the cat.

TO be honest, I would play my cards carefully here, and not let him know you want out. Yet.

Can you go ahead with the move. Return to Canada, settle there, and THEN start tackling your issues with your dh?

If you do this in that order, the tables will be turned. HE cannot leave with your dd. YOU will be in Canada with your family where you want to be.

If you start divorce proceedings now, you will not actually be able to leave the country. You will be stuck here. If you continue your plan, you might have a much better chance of giving your dd the upbringing you want to give her.

Why give up now unless you believe you and your child is actually in danger.

Why not tell your dh that you are worried about him, getting so angry is not healthy, and is he ok?

excellent point qs

Any news?

Right before he got home last night I had the exact brainwave that QuintessentialShadow had. When he cam home I told him I was angry and that he had scared me with his behaviour in the morning. I told him that I needed time away from him to get my head in order and figure out exactly what I wanted. He panicked and asked me if I wanted him to leave permanently. I told him not yet, but I would not continue to tolerate his behaviour. He surprised me by admitting that he needed help and then packed a bag for a couple nights and went to his nan's. From the moment he walked out the door I have had txts and emails all night. He loves me, he knows he has a problem, he wants to get help and he wants our marriage to work. He wanted to come home today but I said it was too soon. I'm due in at work on Tuesday so I told him to give me until Tuesday morning, he can spend the day with our daughter as usual and then we can talk when I get home from work. He has agreed and has promised to make an appointment with the doctor either monday or tuesday.

I really don't know if I want to make it work, but I am going to play my cards close to my chest and bide my time until we get to Canada. Then, like QuintessentialShadow said, it will be his decision whether he returns to the UK or not. Secretly I am really hoping that Canada is the fresh start we need and that our marriage is salvageable.

I'll let you know what happens. Thanks for caring.

Thank you for your update SummerC.
I hope it works for you. It sounds promising. Give your relationship one more go if he seems willing to change, and actually do something to change like you say. But I still think you should not make any decision regards to splitting up until you are safe home.

Make sure you sign out of mumsnet and delete your browser history before he gets back.

Good Luck!