My partner is a widower

[HisPartner]

I am finding it difficult sometimes to cope with my partners wife who died 6 years ago. He has 2 teenage children who I think I get on with fairly well. We have always said that I am their father's girlfriend, not their replacement mother. He has done a wonderful job of looking after them and they are both happy normal teenagers. It is just sometimes I am fed up with hearing about the woman. I recently had to endure the daughter giving her father a hug and wishing him a happy anniversary. Could she not have done that in private? And his parents tell me that she, I will call her Janet, wouldn't have done this and wouldn't have done that in relation to the kids or the home. This isn't a dig at me as I don't live there yet and John makes most of the decisions anyway. I realise this moaning may make me seem insensitive but I have feelings too.

Teens are very self centred, I don't think that you can expect them to take your feelings into consideration. They would probably be shocked to find that you found the anniversary wishes hurtful.
I think that it is a bit like your love for your DCs. I have 3 and I am not going to have a 4th. If I did I would love it as much as the other 3 and it wouldn't take any love away from them. The 4th would have to put up with us talking about a whole shared history of which they had no part.We wouldn't intend to be hurtful and exclude them but neither should we be expected to keep quiet about it.I would imagine that the 4th would feel secure and loved in their own right.
Your position in this family is similar, you are loved in your own right but the past will be always with them; if you are going to be happy you will have to accept that.
My DH2 is very different to DH1, he isn't second best and so he isn't jealous.
If you love somone and they die they are always with you, in many ways they have helped to make you the person that you are.

I find the idea of wishing someone happy anniversary (?wedding anniversary) weird and a bit twisted when their spouse is dead. My father is sadly now a widower and would think I had gone a bit mental if I wished him a "happy" anniversary. You can't really have a wedding anniversary if your spouse is dead. You still think of them but surely more an occasion for reflection and sadness rather than happiness.
It sounds as though the woman died young and young deaths are usually traumatic for all concerned.
If these kids are just teenagers then they would have been young when their mother died.
You say they could do this in private but that depends on how much time they have alone with their dad. Fair enough if you're just there every other weekend, but if you're there alot then you just have to accept their life will go on around you.
I think it was Philip Larkin who said "Only marry a widow if her husband was hanged" summing up the difficulty partners of widows and widowers have competing with an idealised spouse.
This woman will always be in their lives.

My dp is now in his 40's and lost his dm when he was a teenager. His df has since re-married. Since he met his new partner no-one is allowed to mention dp mother or anything they did together because his new dp doesn't like it. This has caused a lot of unhappiness for my dp as he feels that he has lost a large part of his df and the life he had while his original family was complete. It's almost as though df's new partner's needs take priority over everyone elses. Also, my dp is rarely able to see his df on his own as his step-mother is always present. She never had children and doesn't seem to realise that my dp and his df might like to do things just the 2 of them sometimes.

It must be very difficult when your new dp is a widower and, IMHO, it takes a lot of sensitivity to make the relationship work but it can be done. I don't think that your partner's children are trying to be unkind to you, rather than they are trying to remember and acknowledge her contribution to their lives. You will never be their mother but you can develop a good relationship with them in your own right. I hope this is helpful, although most likely not what you want to hear.

I think Philip Larkin was wrong! It can work perfectly well.
It isn't a question of idealising the dead person, it is just acknowledging that someone who was a big part of her life can't be airbrushed out.
The new person is a person in their own right and makes an entirely different relationship.The step mother of zoo123's dp has spoilt what could be a lovely new family relationship because she can't take what went before.It is very sad for the dp.
If there are teenage DCs they are not being unkind, I just doubt whether they have the maturity to see it from the new partner's viewpoint.

Message withdrawn

2rebecca, as another widow i also disagree with you. as far as i am concerned i am still married even if my husband is sadly not with me.

why is it 'twisted' to remind someone of the happy years that the spent together? Twisted if there was an acrimonious divorce, possibly, but my dh and I had a relationship that is still worth remembering

as someone whose father handled my mothers passing very very badly I find this a painful subject

we were not allowed to mention mum, he married soon after the house was fully redecorated except for our rooms where we could have her picture this for children 15.14 & 9 was very bad indeed
I don't think he was someone who was able to love, actually evidenced by his second marriage

I imagine that losing a beloved partner does not make the love go away. and I don't really think it detracts from future relationships

how nice to know that the other person is able to feel that deeply

I suppose the OP will need to find a way of balancing how she feels and what she needs with all what is happening in that family, although I can understand it may well be difficult

I always remember my wedding anniversary from my first marriage and I am very touched if anyone remembers it too.
I don't think it detracts from future relationships.
One thing to bear in mind, especially as people on here seem to have problems with it,is that you get 2 lots of ILs. My ILs and I went through a lot together and got very close, I couldn't cut them off. My DH2 and his family are very good about this, but I should imagine that it could be a problem.