Mother and very difficult daughter-big control issues- getting too painful to cope with-how do i cope?

[sarah7777]

The short story-I have 2 kids and 1 has had problems in her teens.Now 23.

Short story is I looked after my grandaughter for a week. My daughter is getting towards the end of he pregnancy and was asked to work pretty much full time. I had said to her a number of times that we would look after her daughter (who we adore) for a week towards the end of he pregnancy,because I thought it would give her a break.

We did this,but the day before we were due to bring her home,my sons 5 year relationship broke up leaving him homeless and vituallully jobless. Needless to say he was in need of support,and moved in with me.

At the same time (following day) I had picked up a nasty 48-hour virus that was doing the rounds here-giving me severe headaches and feelings of exhaustion.

Explained to my daughter that my son needed me there.I also had to take him to collect his belongings-this was a small family crisis whee you should all pull together.

My daughter responded (in a nutshell) by making series after series of outrageous claims that hurt me deeply. She said I had
been pestering her all summer to look after her daughter,that I was not really ill,that I was trying to "keep " her daughter because i wanted to. I explained non of this was true,but it became clear she didn't care how ill i was,she just wanted me to bring her home.

It was a three and a half hour drive,and there was no way I was safe ,or fit to do that,at that stage.The rest of my family were telling me there was no way I was well enough to take her,and that my daughter was being highly uneasonable,but no amount of talking would help. She even put the phone down on my OH.My son,who saw the effect all this had on my said,she has always been the same. We all know she has a lot or growing up to do.

I can only say,that all my family (in laws and son) know just how much I do for my daughter,including getting a phone installed so I can stand the price of the calls so I can phone her to let her vent off he feelings (she has also fallen out with her in laws).Yet she told me,in this phase,that i ring HER because I want to talk to her (completely missing that we have long calls where she is angry at eveyone,and I do this for her benefit,not mainly mine, and I feel like I have been battered round the head with a brick at the end)

Several people who I have told exactly what she said to me,and previous stuff too are appalled-she also told me if i spoke to her OH he would tell me to f off.)

I took he back to her Mum 3 days late,even though I wasn't quite well enough,she also refused to let me stay over night (often in the past I have had to stay in a hotel)even when I had looked after he daughter .

I do so many small thoughtfull things for her,too numerous to mention,including financial,that the pain of how I am treated is just too hard to bear.

help someone

sarah - just try to see it from your dd's point of view for a minute.

I do think you pestered your dd until you could have your gd for a week - aka 'I had said to her a number of times..'.

You 'adore' your gd, why not try to 'adore' your dd for a while, see how she responds? Is she your 'darling' dd, as her dd is your 'darling' gd?
It really seems to me like your dd is merely the way to your gd, and maybe that's the way it appears to your dd, too.

but she also said she wanted to give her heavily pregnant dd a break

Yes, ll, she said that. But what if her dd had wanted to spend the time with her before the new baby arrives?

I dont think More is being harsh I think she is just calling it as she sees it.

Sarah- I keep re-reading the OP to see if there is something I have missed. But (to me) the subtext of your post is clear.

I agree entirely with the sentiment of Uriel's post;

You preface your post by saying;

I have 2 kids and 1 has had problems

You make your daugher into 'a problem' at every turn. In fact you sound like you dont even like her very much?

I dont agree she should treat you shoddily or be disrespectful, but it sounds to me like you are perhaps using a very subtle form of control here. And she is reacting badly to it.

The last post reeks of 'my poor son, nothing is his fault, bad things happen to him and I must help him because I am his mummy'. And your posts about your daughter reek of 'what did I do to deserve a daughter who doesn't treat me like I'm made of chocolate'. Blatant favouritism might go some way to explaining why your relationship with her is tricky.

Sorry but I agree with Zazette, Smithfield and Uriel. Obviously I can only go on what you've posted on here but the things that stood out for me are:

• You immediately refer to your daughter as having had problems as a teenager. (Don't most teenagers??)

• You kept asking your dd if you could look after your gd but as soon as she says yes you switch to martyr mode and talk about what a big favour you've done for her.

• It sounds to me as though your ds is the family golden boy. When things go wrong for him then you are full of sympathy. When your dd has problems she becomes a problem.

Obviously you couldn't help being ill but from your dd's pov she was nearing the end of her pregnancy and understandably would've wanted to see her dd as she'd expected.

I really think you need to give her some space. Maybe send her a card to let her know you're thinking of her and are there for her if/when needed, and then let her decide what she wants to do next.

I think there's an inbalance here.

I understand your fears with your daugther - and to an extent - as a mother it's not that you're being too involve you worry about your kids because they are that - your kids! my mum keeps telling me she's still worrying about us - it's how you deal with said worry that's the problem I think.

on the one hand perhaps it might have felt like you were 'nagging' your daughter about your granddaughters visit, so on this count I do understand her point - on the other I understand yours - after all, if I wasn't reminded several times about things I ask my folks to do - well put it this way - nothing would ever be sorted! lol - on that note, is she 'flakey'

it sounds in a lot of respects like your daughter wants you around when it suits her, which is very very selfish, but on the other hand as parents we have to give unconditional love and support to our kids. It's unfair if you treat your DS differently to your DD, but by the same notion it's not fair for you to compare they two, as prev mentioned they are totally different people - and you're parenting to an extent needs to change to meet the needs of the child.

the GD's father really should have picked his child up - to that end he was in the wrong really, if you're poorly and have been watching their child with everything else going on - it's only fair for him to miss a game and get his child.

is your daughter envious at all of your relationship with your son? in some respects she sounds like a bit of a brat, but on the other perhaps she's asking more of you?? either way perhaps you may both benifit form some councilling together.

(I had some at 16 as a troubled teen, and would talk to mum in the coffee shop after) I know what I said hurt her deeply, and am not proud of it, but in that moment it's how I felt - perhaps she needs to learn to communicate and know her boundaries with you, whilst you also need to validate her feelings and realise she's got her own life going on.

it's a tricky one really as you both need to find a right balance. tbh she sounds quite exhausting and like she's battling the world, you on the other hand sound like you're exhausted and fed up of being taken fro granted.

not sure if anything i've said is relevant or indeed makes sense/you will listen - i'm about your daughters age, but used to live 4 hours from my folks so know something about it a bit. but understand if you think I don't know much of this here parenting lark (after all i'm only 2.5 years in! )

oh and also those of you who are saying 'golden child' I don't see that so much - i'm sure if the daughter needed her mum she'd be there like a shot.

in our family - and not sure if it's just mine or not. if one member needs support everything else is on the back burner until that ones on the right tracks again then it rotates etc - it's in essance sharing and taking turns.

then again thou OP don't forget about DD because your son needs you.

Good post Spandex.

Thanks fo all the replies been away for a few days- will reply soon.