I really don't want to talk sex over the breakfast cereal, but I want advice before things get any worse.

[shinyshoes]

I had a baby in January of this year.

My Partner and I haven't always been overtly sexual (we were when we were boyfriend and girlfriend) but since we've had children sex hasn't been that huge a deal.

We last had sex 12th Feb, I know this date because it was the date of my 6 weeek postnatal check up.

That was the last time. We have discussed it and he says that he's has the odd urge for a bit of afternoon fun but quite often the children have been around or something else has prevented it.

Last night was the first time he made a move on me since Feb 12th and I clamed up, I really didnt want to, not through tiredness but I just felt, (I hadte to say it) repulsed by it. Not by him touching me but the thought of having sex made me clam my legs shut.

I feel my body has become more hideous since the birth of our daughter this year, it was my 3rd c-section so you can imagine what my tummy looks like.

I've told him this but he thinks i'm being silly. He's a fella he don't understand.

I should have just done it, but it wouldn't have been a two way thing and I feel no sex is better than 'letting him have it' IYSWIM.

He was disappointed, I could sense that and I feel kinda selfish. But I can't see anytime soon where I will feel good about myself and want to have sex.

Any advice would be appreciated

know how you feel. We actually managed the deed a the weekend for the first time since DS3 was born (18m ago)

I really think it's a hormonal/natural thing. You and your body are thinking "sex = babies and I don't want a baby because I've got one so, therefore, we don't need to have sex" (at least that's how I felt)

I think we're on the way to sorting it by a lot of talking about it (or trying to - DH doesn't really do talking about things) and me talking it through with my GP and a counsellor. I am also on anti-Ds for PND so I think that has helped too.

FWIW, most of my friends have told me that they'd rather go to bed early with a good book than have sex so I don't think you're alone!

I relate to what you have described. IME, anytime within a year of the birth was too soon for me (although I can't have always felt that way as ds2 was born 18 months after ds1). I think having a low self body image is pretty common too.

I guess you won't like this idea, but I think sometimes you have to force yourself to have sex, just to keep the relationship ticking over. Eventually, you will feel better about yourself and your children will get older and a more regular sex life will resume (well it has for me anyway).

Your dh has not made an approach towards you for over 6 months though? He must either be very tired or extremely sensitive of your feelings.

How are you feeling generally? If you're a bit down and not feeling great, sex drive goes out of the window. May be worth a chat to a sympathetic GP.
BTW, I would imagine that faced with the prospect of sex, the state of your tummy will be the last thing on your dh's mind!!

Does he make you feel confident naked? I have had 3 babies (VB, incase that makes a diff) and after each baby always feel like im not 'me' naked. DH is very reassuring of me, and my confidence comes back.

Could it maybe be a case of once you get going?

Oh and DH says men don't notice tummys after babies, they're just too pleased to be with a girl thats naked and wants to have sex - with them!

I feel tired generally but I've just been diagnosed with an underactive thyroid gland caused by the pregnancy (Yeah I was shocked too) so at the moment the Gp. is trying to sort out the right doseage for me, as yet that hasn't happened.

I don't think it's that though.

To be honest I never walk around naked in front of him, I have put on a huge amount of weight these past couple of years and he has commented, (only when I've reeeeeaaaallly prompted him) he's told me he dosent like it, but he still fancies and loves me, it's just not how I was when we met. Before you all flame him , I really pushed him into telling me how he felt and he kind of shouted it at me, but I did keep on and on and on and he was so very apologetic after.

So I think after that I didnt feel comfortable in being naked in front of him.

I think I might have to try and force myself. But I am gettting panicky that I will be so tight that psychologically I won't be able to 'open up' IYKWIM.
I might like it once I get going.

But it's just getting past the not wanting too and the belly thing.

I am glad to hear that it's perfectly normal for women to not want it for up to a year after having children. That's reassuring.

you don't have to have full sex straight away maybe work up to it?

Understandably you will not feel comfortable after you heard him say that.

I find that when we have a dry period in the sex department, it takes a while for me to be able to have sex again.

What works for me is lots of cuddles and snuggles, and generally being a lot more affectionate towards each other, it actually makes me want him more so therefore it helps with my feeling of insecurity.

HTH

if you are worried about him seeing you naked you could do what i do (8 months preg) and get undressed with the lights off and dive under the duvet ala Brigitte Jones style! maybe invest in one of those lingerie corset type things which will look nice and hide your tummy.

Glad to hear it's not just me. 14 months on and I am still having postpartum lack of libido. We've done it a few times, but I just can't must up the energy or feel sexy. Poor boy didn't even get any on his birthday like I promised as I just wasn't in the mood.

how about working up to it? reinstigate the intimacy with kisses, cuddles, then foreplay so you can be comfortable with each other's bodies again, without the pressure of knowing you have to have sex at the end of it?

sounds like he is receptive to your feelings by waiting over 6 months and being "forced to admit" he doesn't like the weight, so reckon he'd be up for doing whatever it means to make you comfortable in your own skin again?

If I have to be honest, it has taken me more than 3 years after the birth of ds to get back to the stage of wanting to have sex.

It is so very hard, because now that my libido has suddenly come back, dh is saying that is finding hard to be interested after 3 years of being pushed away. It is causing major problems in our marriage and we are not doing very well right now . I am struggling with this and am not sure how to put things right.

I also think that if you don't have sex with your man for a long time or with long gaps between, that you feel like you are starting all over again...