*WHAT DO I DO NOW ?*

[sparky68]

Hi, i am new to the site so please excuse me if i go on,i have just had two wks off with my family, much needed holiday, since xmas i thought my hubby was having an affair, weight loss, stressed ,lost on another planet, his mobile attached to him or off, so no surprise when in april, after other things going on, i looked at his mobile,
and found a text message , a 26yr old polish girl from his works, he said he missed her, and wud do whatever she asks, i asked him what was going on, he said just friends, i know more went on coz of what i found out , and after 19yrs together you know the person, our kids are old enough to know why we kept shouting at each other too.She phoned me up and called me a jealous woman ,said he had to lie coz i am so jealous , no sex just friends, i never mentioned the sex part at all, anyway he still wont tell me what happened, she has gone back home, he denies anything sexuall happened, which i doubt very much.he just says friends, he made a big mistake and his sorry. Me after my whole world seems to have collapsed around me, and me not knowing the man i married anymorei just dont know how to carry on, on holiday away from the comp and mobiles and his work i was fine, now home again i keep thinking about them together, i dont trust him like i did, and feel old, and ugly even thou his 52yrs old and me 12yrs younger,how can i cope and try with marriage when i keep wondering, i know his still here, but he flys everytime i bring it up, he just wants to brush under the carpet never to be brought up again.is it best i just let time heal and see or what i still love him, but things are not the same.

I don't have much advice but couldn't see your post going unanswered. His lack of sufficient and convincing explanation for his frankly, questionable texts to this girl is unacceptable. Additionally, he clearly said something to her about your reaction to those texts for her to call you. His behaviour in that regard is shocking. How dare he leave you open to being verbally abused by this woman. How dare he think that it is okay for her to back up his pathetic, "there's nothing going on" argument. His behaviour has been contemptable and you deserve answers. Ask him how he would feel if you had behaved in that way. How would he have felt to get a phone call from your "friend" telling him that he is a jealous husband. I firmly suspect that he would be just as suspicious and angry as you quite rightly are!

he has to earn your trust and realise that this is an issue

i would go to relate and talk about things

I don't know what to say, Sparky apart from obviously how sorry I am. What strikes me is the fact that not only is there the issue of this woman which is terrible but also the fact that you say he refuses to talk about it.

If it were me and I was willing to try to work things out, the fact that he is still being so difficult would make me so so . It is a complete lack of respect to how you're feeling. Basicially what somethingaboutmarie said...

Does he deserve your forgiveness? Is he worthy of you?

Hope you work things out if that is really what you want xx

So sorry you are going through this Sparky .

Of course he doesn't want to talk about it - he doesn't want to face up to what a twonk he has/is being. But, if you are like me, you will need to talk it through a bit.

You will have lots of questions, and the situation will be alot harder is he isn't being 100% honest with you. If he is still emotionally attached to this woman then he may continue to lie about what has happened.

I find it hard to grasp why she would call you surely enough damage has been done without her having a go at you.

My h had a full on affair with a 29yr old hungarian - we are 10 months down the line from me finding out and h has gone from wanting her to me on a regular basis. We are both trying to rebuild the relationship now but it is very different from the relationship we had before.

You must take time on your own to think through what has happened (he needs to be totally honest about what has happened - if you keep finding out that he has lied it is very difficult to ever start believing him again). You must decide what you want to do

How absolutely dispicable that this woman called you. Was it your home phone? Why on earth would she have taken it upon herself to do this? Just awful.

you poor thing.

Thank you for your messages, she phoned me on my mobile, and the things she said only came from him, she knew to much not to have been in contact with him, she changed her mobile number too and barred mine, but i found another text from her so i knew they where still in contact, he still denied anything happened and still does. When she phoned me all she kept saying was no sex !just friends,you are jealous woman ,she said i was mad and needed to see a doctor !!, she said no wonder he lied to me about them being friends, i found a condom wrapper in our van, he denied anything happened,he blamed our son !!something i wont forgive him for.She is back in poland as far as i know, he still wont put his phone on when at home , only when at work, says his phone has caused to much trouble .He wont go to relate says nothing to talk about his done nothing wrong its me with the problem, i wont let it lie.I just carry on for our kids, i wont check his phone anymore, sure he deletes now, her friend is still at his works and they work together. but thank you all again anymore advice gratefully recieved.

Hi Sparky

This woman is poison and makes me but I think you have to focus on how your DH is behaving.

What are your gut instincts towards him? If she were to disappear tomorrow how would you feel towards him?

It is up to him to sort this out with you. What is his reaction to all this?

I feel angry on your behalf Sparky; you know something's been going on, you've confronted him and he's just turned it all on you and told more lies
It is YOUR marriage and YOUR life, but if it was me I'd give him an ultimatum: he stops treating you like an idiot, tells the truth and shows A LOT of willingness to help sort things out, or he can just GO. Maybe he just needs a good metaphorical kick up the ass?
That's just my opinion though.
Good luck with what you decide, I wish you all the best xxx

His reaction is nothing happened, his put weight on now and his more intrested in me, sex etc, i want him to hold me and tell me he loves me,he wont say he loves me says his here that means more, i even thought she was pregnant and thats why she went home, he wud not book holidays off said he had to save some, he has now thou.she phoned him on his mobile back in feb, whilst we where on holiday, wanting him to take her to hospital, i went mad, he never took her, but he went out that evening and he told me he went to his works to make sure she was ok and i had gone mad about her calling him, when i flew at him he just clams up and he still does, wont mention her name at all and i am not allowed to.

I must agree with Sazisi. OW is a bitch but it is him that you're married to and him that has a moral/legal/emotional responsibility to you and your wellbeing.

You have to now question what his reaction to all this is? And do you even want to work things through with him?

I really hope it works out how you want it to but please remember that you deserve some basic politeness if nothing else from your husband. If you can't get that then I cannot see how he can enrich your life? I am so sorry for you xx

You are not allowed to mention her name? You are allowed to do what the hell you want! He he having some kind of breakdown? These are surely not the words/actions of a rational man?

I know i thought he was ill and thats why he lost the weight in the beginning, and lack of sex etc, and he made me believe he was.he is just carrying on with life as normal wants us all to be a happy family, but he wont talk to me about her which makes my mind still play up. if he told me then i could decide what to do, his even made me believe its all my fault said i am boring and miserable she is fun and exciting he says he no longer hears from her , I love him but my trust has gone.

Hi Sparky - sounds like you've been very understanding here and of course you know him better than anyone, maybe there are deeper issues.

But some of the stuff he's said to you, whatever is behind it ie. 'i am boring and miserable' is plain nasty in my opinion. Certainly not a reason to justify his behavour. I know I would be unable to sweep it under the carpet and play happy families and it's very sad because you love him and don't want to lose him but it seems like all the compromise is coming from you.

How do you see yourself reacting if, in a month's time, he is still refusing to talk about it?

Hi ifyoudidntlaughyoudcry-thanks for your message,yes i agree i have been most understanding about it, and i do know his a big flirt and enjoys female company, trouble is after all these yrs i have looked at our relationship with open eyes now, and realize he wont ever change, but i never thought he would cross the line, his come close to it before in the past but i dont think anything happened,i am finding it really hard this week since coming back from holiday, our hrs we work means we dont see eachother till weekend, we only catch a half hour together each day during wk, he just seems to put other woman he knows and meets on a pedal stool and i am way down on the list, but it sounds so stupid i never really thought about untill all this happened. And you are right its all me trying , he just acts as if nothing has happened.I love him yes but i know i can live without him, i just dont know what i want,i want him to talk to me but i know he wont ever tell me what really happened .Its true time does not seem to be helping me and in a months time i will most prob be feeling same way,in some ways i wish he had left when he kept saying he wud,then least i dont have to worry who his talking to on comp when i am at work, or texting when his at work.I feel so confused i love him and hate him as well sometimes.I am ill now too so just waiting to see what happens at the hospital and then i think i will be strong enough to decide..Thank-you again for your help and understanding.

you poor thing. I'm sorry to hear that you're ill, life's a real bitch sometimes isn't it?In that case than your priority has to be you and if you are not strong enough to decide anything yet then that is understandable. I think some people can be strange (some men in particular). Sometimes they really do not appreciate what they have. Rationally they know they should but whilst they feel safe in the knowledge that they have something ie. a safe relationship, its like you have to beg them almost to get them to appreciate you from their very soul.Anyway, it must be very hard that your'e seeing each other so little as I imagine that you're torn between wanting him to see the 'you' that he fell in love with and wanting to get him to have this difficult conversation.

Is he being supportive in other ways? ie. with you being ill, is he nice to be around or indifferent?

Hope I am helping in some way. I wish more men would talk about stuff like this. They laugh at women for being talkers but it helps!!

lol i agree some men just dont realize what they have, he has now i hope . He was really nice on holiday talking to me and i felt like we where together again, he was nice to our DSs again has been so clashing with them before ,he is ok with me being ill but he shuts himself away and does not really listen to my worries, says we have to wait and see what hospital says,since we returned to work this week i already feel we are drifting apart again, he is helping the friend of my polish friend !move tomorrow,with her husband, which i may add her husband has same name as my polish friends husband, which she is not married, of that i can not add up.They are all polish and he knows how i feel about it all but just says i have nothing to worry about.Whilst around me now back from holiday he seems distant again and flys if i say wrong word, we never argued once in the two wks we were off.And yes its helps talking men moan but its so nice for me to have someone x thank you .