First ever post....just a few opinions please.

[ifyoudidntlaughyoudcry]

Hello!

Have lurked for a while, was a bit nervous as am not a mum but have noticed a few others on here who aren't parents either so I'm being brave!

No major problem really, just wanted some female opinions....

Background...I've have been with my DP for six years and we're very solid, trust each other completely etc. We have had a rocky time of it in the last couple of years purely due to money (he tried to set up his own business but it didn't work) and as a result are in a lot of debt but hopefully clawing our way out of it.

Anyway....DP already has a DD (8) from a previous relationship. She's lovely, things are very amicable with his ex and DD is a very happy child. We've always talked about having children together one day and the assumption is that, all being well, we will in the next 4 - 5 years.

However, we got to talking the other night and DP said that he is happy either way as to whether we actually have our own children ie. if I turned around to him tomorrow and said I don't want children or not, he would be happy. Being my analytical self, I've been obsessing about this ever since! He reassures me that he would love for us to have children also, it's just that we probably haven't done as much as we would've liked in our 20s (I'm 27, he is 26) and he can see the benefits of not having children together ie. future travelling when his DD is a lot older, more disposable income, more freedom etc

I'm probably thinking about it way too much (feel free to tell me to get over it) but I just wondered if anyone here would think this was a cause for concern. I explained to him that I don't want to have a child with anyone who is not really bothered either way, but he assures me it's more the case that he can see the positives of both situations. I think it's easier for him to say that as he has already experienced parenthood, albeit at a younger age than he anticipated (18).

He was totally lovely about it and knows that I definitely want children and we're not on the verge of TTC or anything but would this cause alarm bells with anyone?

This is a long post, considering it's my first (blush)!

I wouldnt worry. My partner was the same, used to say 'but think what a great lifestyle we could have if we didnt have kids!' I got pregnant (a bit of a surprise!) and he adores our little girl, he is late to work every morning because he can't stand to leave her!! I suspect a lot of men are the same. Also you are both very young and have a good few years before you need to tackle the issue.

Lots of men aren't really bothered until the baby shows up - it doesn't mean much. The only warning bells you should really heed are when a man is very clear he would hate to have (more) children.

Welcome

I think you and your DP sound like you've got good communication going which is a positive thing. It's sometimes easy to read more than there really is into a comment that someone makes, but I think your DP was just voicing his view that if your lives took a route that didn't involve having children he would be ok with that.

I think the fact that he has reassured you that he would be happy with children too, means you shouldn't worry too much.

he sounds like a typical bloke. You are over analysing a little and I can see where he is coming from.

I don't think you need to worry about anything.

If he wants to travel and you want kids do it now and then you'll be young enough and fit enough to do it all when they've left home (hurrah! this what we did, chucked em out as soon as poss )

I;m a person who likes to look forward to things I'm going to do rather than look back on things I did - if that makes sense.

Your DP sounds lovely - I really wouldn't be worried. Just being very open-minded. Until it comes to the crunch I think most men just think of having children as doing something sometime far away and, as others have said, the only thing to worry about is whether he has said that he does NOT want them. Only if you think he is trying to break you in gently (and from your OP it doesnt sound like it) would I be concerned.

My first reply! Thank you InsidiousViolet

That does reassure me, sounds like he is lovely with her. I did wonder if maybe a lot of men think it but don't necessarily say it and to be honest, I do see his point but think I was worrying a tad too much. Plus he does adore his DD. I know we're still young, I just worry that, unless it does happen for us when we're not expecting it, it'll come down to me wanting a baby and him going along with with it and I suppose it's not what I've imagined that time to be like.

No I'm not going to stress about it! Well I probably will but I'm like that!

Thanks again, you have made me feel better x

Wow thank you for all replies - I feel at home already here on MN!

Yes I to tend to stress about every little thing , I think part of the problem is that I haven't had that maternal instinct really kick in yet and worry that it might never do until it's too late and yet I know I do want children too (that can be another thread though).

JT - sounds like you had fun, I suppose I never thought of it that way round and though I'm not ready for children yet, it's good to think that it's an option.

Ok I am fully reassured - thanks everyone. You're right, it's open-minded more than anything else I guess. I think once our finances are more sorted (yet another thread to come I imagine) I will feel a bit mroe relaxed about the future.

xx

PS JT - that last line is a really good point and does indeed make sense. Very philosophical!

Agree with everyone - you're over-analysing, and he sounds lovely . IME blokes also tend to think more about the 'financial burden' of having kids - that feeling of suddenly being totally responsible for 3 mouths - which may be more acute to your dp if you're coming out of hard financial times, and has one dd to support.

Me & dh made a deal at about your age that we weren't thinking about kids until I was 30 (not right for everyone) - so that we knew we had a couple of years to really make the most out of being fairly free and unburdened - went to Oz & Maldives, learnt to dive, did up a fairly grotty flat etc etc Enjoy a few years of fun with your dp

Yes, FioFio, when I speak to one of my friends, in particular, who has had a baby (baby's father complete waste of space and not interested) it does make me realise how lovely a dad my DP has been. Not perfect, by his own admittance, but a good dad.

Funnypeculiar - yes I think we've both been a bit traumatised by finance in recent years (was to embarrassed to say before but we're currently staying at my mum's to get back on track - things got pretty dire) so I think he does feel like we owe it to ourselves to not place any other burdens on us, and I agree. Your experience sounds fab!

I think I had this nightmare vision of me getting to my early 30s and being 'ready' and him turning round with 'oh, actually, don't want children, sorry' but I know I'm being silly.

Well I'm leaving work now and going to the gym for the first time in a million months so will be on again tomorrow, hopefully to reassure other MumsNetters in the way you've all reassured me!!

x

This is one of my pet discussions - when to have them. Young or old? Young definitely.

Now I can understand dp's hesitation, he's been there and done it and got the t-shirt (and the 8 year old). It's worked out well, so why have another? But he wants you to have what you want and so that is what you should have. Don't wait til the time is right because it never is. If you have a baby now his 8 year old will be setting out in the world when yours are starting secondary school. I won't mention baby-sitting as that would be callous and selfish, but things could work out quite well.

This is one of my pet discussions - when to have them. Young or old? Young definitely.

Now I can understand dp's hesitation, he's been there and done it and got the t-shirt (and the 8 year old). It's worked out well, so why have another? But he wants you to have what you want and so that is what you should have. Don't wait til the time is right because it never is. If you have a baby now his 8 year old will be setting out in the world when yours are starting secondary school. I won't mention baby-sitting as that would be callous and selfish, but things could work out quite well.

Taxiservice - yes I think if a few things were different I probably would be hoping to try for a baby sooner rather than later but as we're currently staying with my mum and DP looking for permanent work since his (plastering) business hasn't really worked out we're not ready to make that decision. Most of our debt is really my debt through trying to support us both so I'm conscious of that and, considering I'm sensible with money it has been frustrating! Anyway...I digress....

Plus, I have had to put certain aspects of my life on hold due to our relationship which I probably do regret now but we do love each other and are determined to work a few things out. We're not ready yet but I think if I did say he didn't want children again, it would have to be over as that is something I really want in the future.

We spoke about it last night and he did reassure me that he does want children with me and not just to please me so that is one obstacle cleared!!