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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sick of dp. Feel like walking out the door.

17 replies

BeachBunni · 02/09/2008 10:31

I need an objective view as I'm not sure I'm overreacting or have a point.

Last night dp and I had another argument about his lack of affection towards me. He's never been the romantic type and isn't touchy, feelly at all. It's a case of every night we go to bed I have to ask for a cuddle or a kiss (the first one of the day) which he then does and then turns back over to read his book. When I brought it up, he got up and went into the spare room. We barely have sex any more, about once a month if I'm lucky, the longest 7 months. I used to initiate it all the time but got feeling so rejected when he turned me down, I no longer do. The last two times he's wanted sex, he's been on coke. Although I have caught him on watching porn quite a lot lately (don't have a problem with it, as long as I'm getting some action too) which makes me feel a bit shit about myself.

He had arranged his days so we could plan a long weekend away as a family together (have a 9 mo old) which I was looking forward to it as we don't really spend a lot of time as a family. Dp uses his Sundays/bank hols playing golf or dying from a hangover - sometimes doesn't get out of bed til 5 in the afternoon. He then told me at the weekend he's arranged to go out for a friend's birthday so the trip away is cancelled. The only holidays he's taken this year is when I've taken ds away to visit my parents for a week (dp didn't want to go) so he had a week to lie on his ass and do nothing.

Every day there's a comment about how great his life was when he was single with no kid, how he loves ds but doesn't like being a dad as he feels constantly tired and now has to work every day. It gets me really upset. I get tired too but you just have to get up and get on with it. He is a great dad btw when he does spend some time him.

I'm so fed up with all. I used to cry about it but I'm starting to get past that stage and just feel disappointed and angry. I do love him but just not liking the lazy, selfish person he seems to be becoming. We're only 29 but I feel like a married couple in our 60's and that I'm just here as a cleaner and mother. I'm getting to point that I feel like walking.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/09/2008 11:16

Short answer - No. He needs to grow up and prioritise you/family time.

umberella · 02/09/2008 11:18

no - what a twat.

mumblechum · 02/09/2008 11:20

He sounds incredibly immature, tho' I gather from your profile that he's not a kid.

Only you can decide whether your relationship is going anywhere, but he needs to know that you're likely to leave him if he doesn't start showing an interest in being a responsible partner & father.

bethoo · 02/09/2008 11:20

no, you deserve better. you need someone who makes you feel wanted and desired. it is not all about the sex but it is important in a relationship. it seems as though the whole relationship is not going so well. maybe it is time to accept that it is over, if he wants to be single, let him, you get yourself out there and see what you are missing.
and being single is not all that bad believe me! my xdp was like that, happy having a family 10% of the time, the rest he acted like he had no responsibilities and like yours did coke and i know he still smokes weed regularly.

beanieb · 02/09/2008 11:23

Do you or have you ever done coke? How do you feel about his use of it?

I think it's awfult hat he has cancelled your holiday just like that with no discussion.

zwiggy · 02/09/2008 11:24

poor you. I think you need to tell him , quite shirtily , how you feel, I think he needs to realise what he could lose. Of course it could all backfire, but if you feel like walking anyway, maybe its worth it. He needs a kick up the arse and you deserve better.

solidgoldbrass · 02/09/2008 11:24

Sounds like it's the drug use that's causing the worst of this. Few things are more selfish than a cokehead. Does he do other drugs/alcohol as well?
I'm not surprised you feel like binning him. THe lack of affection is not that big a deal (some people are a lot less demonstrative than others and it's something you can work out a compromise on), the ignoring you and taking drugs and cancelling plans without consulting you and giving you no help with anything is much more of a problem.

Work out a strategy for getting rid of him: work out your finances, who owns the house or is the named tenant or whatever - I am not saying LEAVE NOW but get all the factual, practical information you need: knowledge is power. Then (when he's not high or hungover, preferably) have a talk with him, keep calm as possible and say that you are not prepared to go on like this and list 3 major changes you want then ask him what three things he would like to change.
Because, no matter how much of a dick he is being, no one responds well to a talk which comes across as 'everything wrong in the relationship is your fault, you must change your behaviour but I don't need to.'

Chooster · 02/09/2008 11:31

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. Especially when it comes to spending time with you and DS as a family. Its all very well being a great dad when he does spend the time, but being a great dad means he's there as much as he can.

You say he's always been unromantic but has he always been as social and lazy with his lie-ins? Do you think he's having a bit of a crisis about having to be more resoponsible now he's a dad and has basically regressed to being a teenager again?

Original poster

BeachBunni · 02/09/2008 11:42

Thank you all.

bethoo - he's a habitual dope smoker too. has been since he was 16. Which is probably why he complains about being tired all the time - because he's stoned. I know sex isn't the basis of a relationship but just a cuddle now and again is all I'm looking for.

Beanieb - BC I was no angel and did dabble a bit but my priorities have changed now. I couldn't bear the thought of something happening to me and leaving my child without a mother so don't touch the stuff anymore. It's becoming a bit of a problem I think with him as he can't have a night out without buying stuff - and that's money he could put to better use as we are not loaded.

I tried to tell him last night how I feel, that's why he just walked out on me. We've been through this before and I feel like I'm banging my head off a brick wall.

SGB - he owns the house and my parents live abroad. But yes, no-one likes to be told that everything's all their fault and I know I can be apita at times so asking his opinion is a good idea.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeachBunni · 02/09/2008 11:51

Chooster - he could well be having a crisis as he was never this bad. I don't see that as an excuse though. What would happen if we mothers had a crisis?? We can't because we have responsiblities. That's what annoys me as well because he if he has plans with his mates (ie golf) he will get up dying but if he doesn't have plans, I have to drag him out of bed.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeachBunni · 02/09/2008 12:51

Thank you ladies. I've had a think and come to the conclusion that dp is being a prize prick. I've spoken to my mum and arranged to go and stay with them next week and I'm going to tell dp tonight to take that week and have a good, long think about what he wants.

I refuse for ds to grow up hearing his dad saying he would never recommend being a father, or that he's jealous of his mates who've had kids and split up with their partners as they don't have to do the hard work. I find it sooo hurtful, I couldn't imagine what that would do to a child.

Thanks again. I'm going to go and put on ds's lunch before I start crying.

OP posts:

Cappuccino · 02/09/2008 12:54

he's not a "great dad"

not by a long chalk

being a great dad does not mean being nice to your kids for half an hour a week

Cappuccino · 02/09/2008 12:55

oh sorry didn't read your last post

you are being v brave and fab

lulumama · 02/09/2008 12:57

no you are not overreacting

i presume you planned to have a child together? even if not, he has to step up to the plate and be a dad even if that means being tired or not getting p*ssed and spending the day in bed

what does he thikn you do all day? when do you get the chance to act like you have no responsibilites or get some nurturing?

at 29 he needs to act like a man, not a spoilt child .

unbelievably selfish he cancels a family weekend to go out with friends

do you want to spend the next 50 years with him?

lulumama · 02/09/2008 12:58

x post too, hope you get somewhere and things get sroted and more positive

taxiservice · 02/09/2008 13:24

It seems that having kids has made you grow up but not him. Your relationship should be a lot more healthy than it is, and it looks like you've done everything you can to make it so.

The ball lies entirely in his court, you need to put it to him - is he going to grow up and rise to the challenge of being a good parent? It is a challenge, but we all have to face it - you have and it's up to him now.

Keep us updated.

solidgoldbrass · 02/09/2008 14:44

Good luck. There are lots of MNers who can guide you through stuff like getting housed, benefits, tax credits etc if you decide to leave for good (if it's his parents' house then obviously you can't throw him out).

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