We were group of 4 girls, we have known eachother since primary school, and have grown up together in the same neighbourhood.
3 of us have two children each. Our single friend made a decision at the age of 18 that she should never be with a boy again and regretted the two (rather innocent) relationships she'd had alrady. She is a stritcly no wine, no boys kind of girl. We are 36.
We had a few years where we were not as close the four of us together, as we were in different classes in secondary and high school. We still hung out, but maybe more two and two, in any event, for the last 15 years we have met up regularly. Me not so much because I lived in London, but all four of us would arrange meetups when I was home, and I would for sure see my childfree friend.
It used to bother me a little that she is so unflexible regards to family life and children, but I did not see her often enough to really see the extent of it. Now that I live here, I can see it more clearly. She was always feuding with one of other girls, about the upbringing of her son, about her chosing to spend time with her husband and kids on the weekend, not having energy to go out in the evening, etc.
Being single and childfree, she has lots of good ideas for things we could do together, that did not suit the rest of us due to work, nursery/school pick up times, meals for the children. Such as rushing the kids from nursery to go for long walks to look at the snow and the moon, and why cook them a meal, can they not eat a sandwich while walking. Or, go to a picnic on the beach, at 7 pm, in the middle of the week, because that is when she has finnished work, and it suits her to meet up, and we should be more flexible because it doesnt hurt the kids to go to bed late. Of course she has no clue what it involves to rush the children out from nursery, home, change, prepare a picnic, get dressed again, and then go out.
We would be happy to all met up at somebodys home, cook a simple tea together and let the adults chat while the kids were playing together, usually in a playroom upstairs. Plenty of opportunity for adult conversation. But, she did not like this, as it was boring. We should get out more. What is the fun in having everyday food at home. So, it has become rather strained. We have tried to come with her on all these interesting outings, but after a long day in nursery/school, the kids are not really up for it, and we are knackered after work. Our friend finnishes work and the fun just starts.
So now, we try to meet up without the kids. And it is not that often we are all able to get our dhs to stay home with the kids on the same day, to meet up with her. But now the problem is, that the moment the conversation turns to the children, our childfree friend starts to sulk, as she cant contribute, and then she leaves.
At the beginning of the summer, just after I moved here, I rang her and asked if she had plans. SHe didnt. I asked her if she wanted to for a walk with me, the weather was lovely and my dh was putting the kids to sleep tonight, so I could come to hers and we could go from there. I was just about to leave when my dh got a work related call, the proverbial shit had hit the fan, and he to take his laptop off somewhere quiet and try sort a problem. I called my friend and told her this, and said dh would know within the next 20 minutes if the problem was solved and I could go, or if I had to stay in. She was rather curt, and said, ok call me then. When the 20 minutes were up, and my dh still had problems, and the kids were still awake, I called her and apologised profoundly but could not make it. She literally blew a fuse:
Did I realize I had ruined her entire evening? She had been sitting here doing nothing thinking she was meeting me, all the things she could have done if it wasnt for me. etc. And I had no respect for her whatsoever if I could do such a thing. I said to her "look, I am really sorry, I had no idea that would happen, I called you because I had a free evening, and wanted to meet you. "
I have not contacted her since, aside from a text on her birthday. A few days after that disastous non-walk, I met up with the other girls for a trek up the mountain after the kids bedtiem (our single friend had been invited but declined) They told me she had been on the phone to them rubbishing me and how terrible I was for not leaving the kids to fall asleep alone and unsupervised when I had made PLANS with her. (they are 6 and 3) And why was my dhs work problem more important than his wifes leisure??? I thought, in that case, better not to make plans with her, because I am not going to put myself through such stresses and being abused over the phone if something comes in between.
So, we met her for dinner at a friends house on saturday. Conversation was flowing until she put me on the spot saying "so, how are you, my friend who has cut herself out of my life" I was so shocked I did not know what to say, but conversation moved on so I just ingnored it. Our single friend went quiet, excused herself and left.
On the one hand, I can really do without all of this. On the other, she is just her. All she has is her friends. But, if we should be so flexible, what about her? She is expecting all sorts of flexibility from us, condemning us for not having a lacksadaisycal attitude, commenting on our parenting knowing better than us, because she has ANOTHER friend who hitchhiked throuogh Africa with a baby, and were putting herslef first, and so should we.
I know I should call her. I just dont know what to say.