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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

very upset by something dh said today

14 replies

arabella2 · 19/02/2005 22:34

Dh used a bib of dd's to pull the grill out of the oven today not realising it had plastic on one side so some of the plastic came off. He said he was sorry (nice useful bib with sleeves) and then some comment about how we wouldn't be able to use it for baby no. 3 (we have one ds of 3 years and 3 months and one dd of 11 months). To this I answered that I didn't think I could really do no. 3 (we have had this kind of conversation before and I think he was just half joking - it's not that he is desperate to have no. 3 - both of us kind of think it's a nice idea I think but it's so stressful with just 2 at the moment and little help etc... that the mind boggles at the thought of another one, at least at the moment). Anyway, he then said to me "who said it was going to be you" - totally out of the blue. It took me hours to realise what he meant so I didn't react at all at the time. I thought maybe he was cracking some joke about having his clone... then about 8 hours later it hit me that it had been some kind of sick "joke" about I assume me not being the mother of baby no. 3 but somebody else??? It doesn't make sense because the first part of the conversation he was definitely talking to me about our bib for a possible baby no. 3 and then to say what he said afterwards is weird and very unkind. I actually rang his sister abroad about it and she reckons (after she laughed in the same way I laughed when ds landed a small ball on MIL's head I suppose) it's just a sick black humour joke which has no bearing on reality. Any thoughts please... feel terribly lonely again. Yesterday dh and I were getting on fine then today there was this nasty comment and also he is in a mood now about a food shopping issue (he thought I had gone out with dd for about an hour - I was actually out about 2.5 hours and came back without some shopping we needed (though we had not pre-agreed a list of any kind) I then went out again to get the missing items). Feel as if I am just on the edge of coping and any disagreement with him (of which there is about one big one a week) could push me over. Am sleeping very little because of dd and really don't know how to sort my/our life out.

OP posts:

vict17 · 19/02/2005 22:37

I think it was just an off the cuff comment - tnh me and dh are always making these kind of remarks to ach other. They hurt and I'm sure I dwell on them far more than he does.

purpleturtle · 19/02/2005 22:39

I think I'm with your SIL. He probably said it without thinking, and he's probably forgotten all about it now. Sleep deprivation really affects our ability to roll-with-punches IYKWIM. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

edam · 19/02/2005 22:40

Arabella, I don't have any helpful advice to offer, but couldn't read your post without offering some sympathy. Your dh really knows how to wound, doesn't he?
I'm hoping that he was just being exceedingly stupid (is he getting v. little sleep too or are you doing nightshift on your own? If he's sleep deprived as well then I suppose that might be some excuse...).
Really really hope things look better in the morning.

Gwenick · 19/02/2005 22:41

I agree with the others - probably didn't even realise it had affected you!

Fimbo · 19/02/2005 22:42

Agree with Vict about it probably being an off the cuff remark. My friend's dh says things like this to her all the time and its now like water off a duck's back to her (they have been together for 15 years). He once told her that he wouldn't have "the snip" in case they got divorced and he wanted to have kids with someone new in the future!!

sparklymieow · 19/02/2005 22:43

DH is always saying things like this, the other one is "You need lessons from my mum" I know he is joking and laugh it off, but I know how his mind works and I always come back with a comment of my own. He probably meant nothing by it.

bobbybob · 19/02/2005 22:45

My dad send my mum valentines cards that say "to my 1st wife". I think it's similar territory.

wordsmith · 19/02/2005 22:55

I think comments like this are fairly normal in a relationship but he obviously doesn't realise you are finding things stressful at the mo. If you feel you are on the edge of coping, have you told him? I think blokes don't really understand their partners' emotional states at the best of times and can't even begin to understand what it's like with 2 kids. The mental input needed to organise everything is exhausting never mind the physical. On the surface I'd say it was a completely harmless comment, I say similar things to my DH all the time, but if I was feeling really low I would probably want to slice his balls off for saying it.

ScummyMummy · 19/02/2005 22:55

I think this is the kind of thing that could equally easily be a joke with no malice whatsoever intended or a spiteful barb. Really hard to know which, especially if you are having a hard time anyway. Could it be that you are over analysing because things are tough at the moment or would he know that you would be hurt by what he said? Really hope things improve soon.

handlemecarefully · 19/02/2005 23:01

Men make these sort of witty remarks all the time. Poor lambs - they don't really mean to be so crassly insensitive, it's just their attempt at humour....

Dior · 20/02/2005 20:31

Message withdrawn

clairabelle · 20/02/2005 20:38

My dh refers to me as the current Mrs D, as I'm the first and no one would else would put up with him I'm sure I'll be the last similar vein I think. On the subject of sleep deprivation I completely agree I burst into tears last week as dh's parting comment on his way to work was do try and keep the house tidy today this was after I'd come home from a 12hr night shift, was about to do the school run and would be up all day with ds. Aghhh!

sasa15 · 20/02/2005 20:56

definetely was a joke......
try to forget about it......but if that happen again.....then answer back...and try to make him feeling at the same way you are feeling now.....

Branster · 21/02/2005 22:39

oh arabella2...i was actually wondering about you the other day and was going to ask how are things on your other thread.
out of context, it looks like a very, very poor joke but it may be illustrative of his behaviour as presented in your other thread.
does he do much around the house to help you? like with this shopping: were the items in question really necessary? then he could have gone out in the car to get them , after all it's easier for him to nip to the shops than you with an 11m old, isn't it?
i hope you're ok

xxx

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