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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

first time poster in need of help and advice

25 replies

workawayfromhome · 28/08/2008 19:32

Hi All

as you can see from the heading I am new to this site and not a Mum but a Dad.

My fiance is a pretty frequent poster on these boards and knows I am going to post here looking for help.

we have been together for 6 years and the past while has been very strained , mainly down to me and my jealousy and the fact that when I have had a bad day I vent my anger over her without listening to how her day has been, with 2 children under 5 every day is pretty hectic.

Anyway i digress slightly as my name suggest I work away from home and am only home for 3-4 days a month the rest of the time I am several hundred miles away but do call home every night.

Last time I was home my DP advised me she felt it was better if we split up as being with me was totally unbearable for her as I seemed to want to control her life when I wasnt there (which I was guilty of doing but didnt realise it at the time). Thankfully we never split up but the wedding which was imminent has been postponed after I promised her i was going ot sort myself out for the sake of our relationship and my sanity.

What I need to know is if there is anywhere I can get the help i need via online/distance support?

thanks in advance

ps dont want to go in to too many details as it is a very private matter to me and am not 100% comfortable discussing matters with anyone yet close friend or total stranger

OP posts:

hecate · 28/08/2008 19:40

Well, clearly the distance is causing major problems. Could you not look for work locally, or have the whole family move? Or were you a jealous person before? What do you fear is going to happen?

It's good that you know you cannot control her and shouldn't try.

You can access Relate in the town that you work, that might be a good thing for you. I don't know what on-line therapy there is, but I am sure someone else will.

You need anger management, you could talk to your gp - if your gp is in your home town, perhaps you could change to the location you spend most time, in order to access services there?

fryalot · 28/08/2008 19:41

Hi,

I don't have any major advice, I'm afraid, but I didn;t want your first ever post to go unanswered.

I think the main thing for now is that you are aware that your behaviour has been unacceptable and you have to change in order to make your relationship work.

It is a testament to your honesty and love for dp that you are willing to do this.

Have you talked about seeing a Relate counsellor? I know it will be difficult fitting it in, but could be well worth it

hecate · 28/08/2008 19:42

hahaha! loving the x-post there, Squonk!

fryalot · 28/08/2008 19:43

thereby proving that we are obviously right, hecate

so, to recap: Relate!

hecate · 28/08/2008 19:45

I think we have been on MN so long that our brains have merged and we are, in fact, all the same person now.

fryalot · 28/08/2008 19:46

Original poster

workawayfromhome · 28/08/2008 19:53

Hi All

thanks for the rapid responses there

I did suggest getting a job nearer home so I can be home each night but my fiance thought it wasnt the best idea as she wants us to get to know each other again and feels that me being home each night would hamper that as it would be us living in each others pockets again and all the tensions would be too near to the surface to avoid, I have taken to writing letters to her and pouring my thoughts to her that way

Due to the nature of my work a regular counciller would be impossible as I travel europe wide at very short notice, hence the reason for some sort of online service

thankyou for all the help so far

OP posts:

hecate · 28/08/2008 19:56

relate can advise by phone or email

You could get a job nearer home but move into a flat in the short term. Being away for most of the month is not helping you to get to know one another is it? How is that ever going to happen if you continue to work so far away?

fryalot · 28/08/2008 19:58

what hecate said

hecate · 28/08/2008 19:58

We should change our name to Squecate!

hecate · 28/08/2008 19:59

Actually, you can be Squecate and I'll be Heconk!

Original poster

workawayfromhome · 28/08/2008 20:00

I did think that too about being away for so much of the time but I dont want to pressure her by insisting I work closer to home to see more of her and the kids.

OP posts:

humanbean · 28/08/2008 20:04

Some counsellors will do sessions on the telephone. You book them in as you would regular face-toface sessions and although maybe not as satisfactory as ace-toface, if you have agood counsellor they can be just as therapeutic.

Depends on cost though: can you afford to pay for private counselling or would you need to go through NHS referral? If the latter there is often a hug waiting list.

If you can afford to pay for private help try these people and ask for an amazing woman called Julie Hewson.

humanbean · 28/08/2008 20:05

God my spelling was atrocious there. Sorry

hecate · 28/08/2008 20:06

I think if you don't do exactly that (work closer to home) then you stand very little chance at all of working it out. She doesn't want you to work closer, doesn't want you to move back but wants you to get to know each other again. How is that going to happen under those circumstances? What are her suggestions?

If you only see each other a couple of days a month and you have kids together, how are you going to get any time? Because surely those few days are going to be precious to your kids so you'll not have time together just the 2 of you?

lilacclaire · 28/08/2008 20:11

Hi, stab in the dark here, but I assume that as you are away so often that you are imagining that your fiance is up to all sorts while you are away and that is why you are trying to control her life while you are not there?

I posted on here a while back (with something very loosely the same) and was told that I was suffering from self esteem problems and to get help. Re visit to GP and referrel to psychologist , still on waiting list.

If im on the correct lines then it may be your self esteem that is leading to your controlling behaviour (or I could be off on the wrong lines altogether), if so then definetly try the online service from relate.

Quattrocento · 28/08/2008 20:12

Relate do sessions by phone I believe

MRSworkawayfromhome · 28/08/2008 20:33

He told me this was here not sure how appropriate it is to post on it though.

MuthaHubbard · 28/08/2008 20:54

mrs wafh, why would you not want him to get a job closer so you could work on your issues. even if you don't live together and take is slowly, seeing each other several days a week, it would be easier? you don't have to live in each others pockets and still take things slowly.

LazyLinePainterJane · 28/08/2008 21:04

I think it can be quite easy when your partner works away a lot to simultaneously resent their absence and yet get used to them not being there and things then become strained when they return, as you are used to doing things your way. It can feel as if the person who works away is visiting, or a guest, and you might not feel like they have any right to say anything when they are never there.

Saying that, I think that you cannot rebuild your relationship unless you spend more time together, 1 day a week at most is not the way forward if it is already causing issues. She needs to want you back and I would be concerned that she says she doesn't want you to work closer to home. Whilst it may be a difficult transition, it should be better in the long term if you want to work things out.

Have you looked for work? Is there work available at a comparative salary?

You have my sympathies. DH is working away at the moment, it is only temporary but it is really fucking hard, for him being away, but more so for me, being here all the time with no support.

You need some time together, at least while you sort things out.

Original poster

workawayfromhome · 28/08/2008 21:18

thanks to you all for the supportive messages , at the moment I am trying to keep a positive state of mind although this is a lot harder than i ever imagined.

OP posts:

purpleduck · 28/08/2008 21:35

workawayfromhome

Sorry, but if you think THIS is hard (sympathetic cyber people)...then how will you cope with someone real??

I think that it is great that you are willing to sort this out, but if you find it difficult to talk, find MN hard, then maybe you need to sort out face to face counselling/ CBT - doing it via email/phone may not be the most beneficial - if you are prone to hiding, then is that not just more hiding?

Relate is not the only way forward - there are great therapists all over- i'm sure many that will accomodate your odd schedule, and yes, you may have to pay for the odd missed app't.

Honestly, if you want to give this your best shot, then give it your best shot - you will be learning skills that will benefit you for the rest of your life..

Good Luck

Original poster

workawayfromhome · 29/08/2008 17:56

Hi All

After a pretty late conversation last night I did ask her why she was so againt me getting a job nearer home and the response I got was that she really needs some time to herself and feels that I would crowd her too much while I was working at home.

OP posts:

hecate · 29/08/2008 18:36

Do you think perhaps she doesn't actually want you back there? If you are a very angry man, maybe she has realised that life is calmer when you are away and tbh you couldn't blame her for feeling that. How awful it would be if she was dreading each return home because she knew what she was in for?

Perhaps the conversation to be having is actually a very blunt - Are we going to remain a couple or not.

tribpot · 29/08/2008 18:46

Does your work offer a counselling service to its staff? We have support by phone 24/7 (in theory, have never called it - despite badly needing to on occasion - and certainly not at 3 a.m.)

Long distance can put an appalling strain on a relationship. There you are, gadding around Europe whilst she is at home with your little ones and then when you do speak to her you are angry because of how your day has gone. I bet you her day has been infinitely more stressful.

I think there's a lot of merit in you finding a job that means you can be around more, even if you choose to live separately whilst you work things through.

Really hope you can work things out.

Flip