Caught DP texting Ex Girlfriend

[Witchybella]

We had had a lovely evening out for a meal and I came in and was upstairs checking on DS's and come downstairs to find DP texting this was half 12 at night, I ask him who he was texting at that time of night and he hesitated then said ex girlfriend. I wasnt happy and he now thinks I am over-reacting. Dont know what to think it has been eating me up all weekend.

An ex of mine snooped at my phone. He totally got the wrong end of the stick. The weekend before we had a row and he went home early. I went ahead with a night out planned with my family. My phone accidently dialled the first person in my phone book with the initial A. This was around 11.30 at night as I walked home, I can remember thinking what's my phone doing!!

Well 'A' wasn't a man but a girl I occasionally went clubbing with before we met and he had it in his head that I'd tried to meet up with her to go clubbing (not that it was any of his business) but still totally random circumstances.

I was furious, he sent me flowers to apologies but I hated the fact that he'd snooped on my as I was innocent.

He kept a pin on his phone and kept it on him all the time. I think he was up to no good, looking back.

I personally wouldn't snoop but ask him outright what the extent of their contact is.

How much discussion have you had with your partner in the past about where your specific boundaries are with regard to sexual exclusivity? Because some people are good friends with XPs and would bitterly resent a new partner trying to put a stop to such a friendship; some people are cheerfully accepting of a partner's socialising with all sorts of people and would only object to full blown sexual intercourse with someone else; some people think a peck on the cheek under the mistletoe is 'infidelity'.
Have a talk with him, ask him to reassure you and if he does so lovingly and convincingly, then stop digging and don't snoop. Because snooping makes a trustworthy partner inclined to walk away (people who are trustworthy resent being spied on) .

We have had a discussion with regard to boundaries etc and that we should only have each other. And friendship with the opposite sex is fine but any thing is no go. But what is upsetting me is why after all this time has she text and why didnt he mention previously that she text a few months ago, as a couple we are very close (or so I thought) and tell each other every thing.

Well didnt take long to catch him out did it. My sister saw him leaving a hotel when she was at macdonalds with her dc, while he was meant to be playing golf. So where do go from here? I havent said anything as yet. I am in shock not even cried i just feel very calm. Is that normal?

On God Witchy, I am so sorry and for you.

Yes this is a normal way to feel, everything hasn't sunk in yet and your concious mind will be seeking for some other explanation.

I don't have any advice for you because haven't been there but

This is a shit thing to happen to you when you are your way out of the country as i expect you feel so powerless

OMG, I don't know what to say but I'm sure someone who'll be able to provide a bit more help will be along soon.

You are in shock which is why you feel numb and calm.

I am sorry for you.

You know now and he doesn't know you know. That is your upper hand and you can take your time to plan your next move.

There are lots of threads similar to this in 'relationships' and the main thing is to do with securing bank accounts etc.

Best wishes.

MuthaHubbard - i was about to say the same thing - I have had huge amounts of help and support from people on here.

Witchy - be calm before you confront him, you need to know exactly what you want to say before you say it.

i hope your sister is there for you now xxx

Thanks for your words of support. I am lucky as have got a close family told my mum this morning. Just cant believe it as he knew how hurt I was when my ex-husband did the same to me. And last night he was the same towards me as usual and we had even make love. feel so dirty now.
So as you can imagine I am thinking what he is going to be up to next week while I am away, and he is telling me how much he is going to miss me etc and how he fit the new floor...... Just had my birthday and he bought me all these lovely presents as usual.

I am so calm today, and I have been as jolly as usual.Is it the calm before the storm?

I am lucky in away as the house is mine and we only have a joint savings account.

Oh God Witchy how terrible for you.

Are your children yours and DP's or from with ex DH?

Had you told your sister about the texts, or was this just a total coincidence?

It sounds like you are at least in a strong position to deal with this, financially and with lots of support.

best of luck.

Just checking could there be another explanation? Hotel with golf course attached?

I'm guessing not and do believe that often you get a bit of a sixth sense for these things.

If there's much money in the savings account i'd contact the bank and let them know your situation - think they can then stop him taking it all out.

"So where do go from here? I havent said anything as yet. I am in shock not even cried i just feel very calm. Is that normal? "

Do you want to get firm evidence before you do anything like confront him?

I think you need to think about what will happen if your suspicions are proved right. For example would you forgive him in time if that's what he wants or will you just ask him to leave.

IF it were me, and I were sure, I would ask him to leave so that you can have time to work out what you want to do. If he is being unfaithful then he owes you this time and you mustn't let him make this your fault.

Be strong, be definite and be in control.

You say you feel very calm. Are you generally a calm person who likes to assess the situation before moving on?

My guess is that you will either confront him outright or go about getting firm evidence. If you are going away soon could you lie and say your flight/travel plans have been moved to a day early? Leave the house as if you are going away and then come back after a couple of hours to see if you can catch him? Would you feel comfortable laying that kind of a trap, though?

best of lucj=k in what you decide. You sound strong and as you do own the house at least you know you can stay and he can go if that's what you need.

Don't jump to comclusins.
There could be an innocent explanation.

tell him what your sister saw.Ask him to explain.

Communion & Traceybath no golf course attached its right next to Macdonalds so one of those cheap hotels. No luckily the DC are my ex DH but the DC love him to bits.

No didnt tell my sister about the texts as yesterday was the first time I had seen her since my birthday as she had been away for bank holiday.

Beanieb

It depends on the situation if I am calm or not if its my 14 year old son no never calm anything else, yes very calm and try and see it from everyones point of view. But as there was no visable signs that there was any thing wrong between us apart from a couple of weeks ago he said I was moody. Yes I was but it was mainly due to trying to get my insulin medication right. I cant really say I will leave early as he is meant to be taking me to the airport.

I am annoyed as its not like he is some young 20 year old like my brother he is meant to be a 45 year old man....

I am thinking maybe leave it for when I get back or even say as he drops us off at the airport and leave him to stew, as I dont want the dc holiday ruined because I am thinking about what he is up to.