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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband feels trapped...

41 replies

wja · 25/08/2008 08:38

what do I do with a husband who feels "trapped"? We've been married 3 yrs and have an 18mth old.
He feels life has changed so quickly and we don't do much now. I encourage him to see friends etc and have done my upmost to try and maintain and happy attentive wife since our baby, but he's still unhappy.
We have lots of varied sex, watch porn together etc etc but the other day,after I returned home and caught him wanking after my 30 min absence, he admitted to playing with himself more than we have sex.
where did I go wrong?!

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 27/08/2008 19:35

I wouldn't countenance this crap - he is not trapped; face him with it; he can leave any day, he knows where the door is. you haven't kidnapped the bloke.

I can't stand the implicit 'blame' there is in 'I feel trapped'. His own choices have brought him where he is.

solidgoldbrass · 27/08/2008 23:33

WJA: have you asked him why he wants another child if he already feels 'trapped'? Does he hate his job? Do you live somewhere horrible? Basically, are you sure that his complaints are directed at you and DC and is it possible that he's longing for a better/different life for all of you? For instance, some friends of mine are planning to move out to the Orkney islands with their DD because they are sick of city life (it would drive me up the wall to live miles from public transport and have only one pub, but each to their own), some people want to - and do - sell off everything they own and travel the world in a camper van. Ask him what he wants to do - and tell him what you want to do.

ConstanceWearing · 28/08/2008 11:20

well, God bless your DP, Janni.

We'd all rather being doing something else sometimes, eh? The mark of character is whether or not we bugger off and do it, or whether we fulfill our duties instead

Original poster

wja · 28/08/2008 13:35

well he loves his job and we live in a lovely little village. He thinks the answer to all his probs is to move abroad,but surely thats relocating a problem.
Still he comes from a mother who when asked to babysit her one and only grandchild can not help as she will be going to the gym. O but will help out on sat to give us a break but will put her in a creche. I guess this is a different issue now! sorry to ramble, thanks everyone.

OP posts:

lighthouse · 28/08/2008 14:11

Fancy doing that behind your back, what an arse! leave him for 24 hours and see what he does. Don't let a pillock like him get you down.

twoluvlykids · 28/08/2008 14:16

did i read it right,that he was having a wank while he was supposed t be doing the childcare? that would bother me,coz it wouldn't be an appropriate time. otherwise, i wouldn't worry, men have willies & they like to wank.

Original poster

wja · 28/08/2008 14:20

yes he does, assures me however that he locks himself in seperate room-incredible parenting skills eh?

OP posts:

twoluvlykids · 28/08/2008 14:21

is he very fast? 18 month old can get up to a lot of mischief on own.

Original poster

wja · 28/08/2008 14:23

thats wot troubles me, and in my experience.. no, it takes him quite a while!!

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 28/08/2008 14:29

Pack his stuff say you have 1 baby you do not need another and as much as you love him you'd hate him to feel he is trapped and has to stay so you've booked him in at his mothers/ best friends and when he has come to his senses he is free to return. ( idid this with dp once, he stayed with his friend who had no toilet rool, no electric, no food he was begging to come back in 3 days because I refused to see him and I had never done that before!)

If you love him let him go. (he'll soon be back, tail between his legs, trying harder than before) while he's gone make sure you always look fab everytime he happens to see you! Men always want what they can't have so if you tell him he can't have you (no sex etc) he will soon want a bit!

solidgoldbrass · 28/08/2008 22:35

WJA: so he wants to move abroad? WHere to and what does he think might make things better there? Do his plans for living abroad include benefits for DC/you?
I don't know your situation or your DH, obviously, but sometimes people are a bit too quick to condemn - 'oh, now you have a family, get used to a depressing pointless conformist life, and if you won't eat shit and smile you're a bad person' when he might not actually be saying he wants to leave you and DC but he wants a better life for all of you and thinks he sees a way of getting it.
How do you feel about your current family life (never mind whether or not your DH has a wank now and again)? Are you content with dividing your time between a baby's arse and a dishwasher, or are there other things you would like to do?

Original poster

wja · 29/08/2008 07:04

I love my life! have a beautiful baby,supportive family and friends,nice part time job etc. Would love to travel the world in a camper van but thats not his thing! He wants a long term move. As I've said b4 I dont mind him wanking! he just cant manage that and a shag in one day-and I've got a healthy sex drive.We've had a few trust issues in the past but i think we've moved on. Today he's off and normally I'd be concerned that his day was not productive enough and worry about entertaining him! As I get comments like-I dont feel I've done anything etc.etc but today I'm not gonna let it trouble me!

OP posts:

ErnestTheBavarian · 29/08/2008 07:33

solidgoldbrass "Are you content with dividing your time between a baby's arse and a dishwasher, or are there other things you would like to do?"" that is brilliant. Sums up exactly how I'm feeling at the moment (answer is 'no')

wja Maybe try and sit him down and have a talk when he's in a good mood and set some goals or ideas for future. Oh and point out his moaning puts a lot of pressure on you, and wanking while looking after your dc isn't on.

turtle23 · 29/08/2008 07:48

Ah this sounds familiar. My DH said "Is this really it ? Being a family is just so dull! It's all so domestic and mundane..." sigh

Original poster

wja · 29/08/2008 07:56

and then wondered why u felt a bit insulted?!

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 29/08/2008 09:28

I think the thing is that too many people accept boring, mundane, domestic lives: there's a great deal of propaganda telling you to do so (because then you'll do the shitwork of low paid boring jobs in order to keep buying crap that you don't need and passively consume 'entertainment'). Because women in particular are fed the idea that they only exist to benefit others anyway, women buy into it a bit more. It isn't wrong to want something else, though if you do want something else you have to think about it, plan for it and work for it, not just moan.

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