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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my waters have gone, parents looking after DS, but blimey, the aggro - how do we deal with this?

26 replies

bohemianbint · 22/08/2008 12:28

They agreed that they would look after him at any hour of the day or night that we needed.

But in practise, they're being a bit stroppy about it, and when DH mentioned that we wouldn't be having the house full of people for 2 days without a break within 5 minutes of me giving birth, my mum got really pissy with us (and I swear he said it really tactfully - and the whole circus last time was at her instigation anyway!)

She's also telling me that DS (24 months) needs to keep his routine, bond with the baby as soon as it's out, and that just about everything that I think is rubbish in general. I know that because we said about wanting breathing space she'll take it really personally and be a bit petty about it, and will dump DS back on us as soon as the baby was born, when ideally we were hoping for 24 hours for me and DH to rest, recover, and get to grips with the breastfeeding again, without having to entertain an extremely lively toddler.

I just don't understand why when I'm going to give birth in the next day or so everything has to be an argument - it makes me want to find someone else to look after DS so we aren't obliged to put up with all the aggro, but sadly that isn't an option.

Any advice? I'm so angry and worked up, and I really don't need it when am stressing about labour not having kicked off and the possibility of being taken into hospital if things don't start soon!

OP posts:

AvenaLife · 22/08/2008 12:32

To be perfectly honest with you, your mum's right (not about the rubbish bit though). It can be really upsetting for a sibling, they feel as if they are sent away to make space for their new brother/sister and this can cause major problems in some children because they can resent their new sibling. I understand about your need for space though, maybe she could take your ds to the park etc?

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear.

BabiesEverywhere · 22/08/2008 12:35

I would see how you feel as/when you go into labour and after the birth. You might feel very differently.

I originally wanted my DD to stay home if we went into labour at night for our planned home birth. As it turned out I did go into labour in the middle of the night but I changed my mind and wanted my DD to be out of the house, so I rang my parents up at 3am to pick her up

lulumama · 22/08/2008 12:35

i am not sure what you are upset about? that she does not think that she should have DS so that he can meet his sibling?

he is only 2 , it is going to be an upheaval anyway.. why not just play it by ear and see how it goes..?

agree about not having a houseful of people straight after delivery though

taxiservice · 22/08/2008 12:35

Jeepers you need to take care of yourself and your new family now. Your lively toddler will soon realise you come first when the baby starts coming, he'll be fine. Tell your mum that if she doesn't want to look after him you'll keep toddler with you. It is also possible that he may want to be with his new baby sibling in fact he may feel rejected by being sent away.

lilacclaire · 22/08/2008 12:37

I see what you are both saying, don't stress about it now, wait until the baby is here and see how you feel. Good Luck btw!

Original poster

bohemianbint · 22/08/2008 12:39

No Avena - that's fine, I wanted to know if I was being a bit unreasonable, and I am struggling to know how to handle the situation with DS for the best as I really don't want him being any more upset by it than he's going to be.

I'm just a bit worried that if it's business as usual the next day that DH won't get any time with me and the baby at all, apart from when DS is asleep.

It's more the rest of it that's upset me, that she could pick a fight with me at a time like this, just because we didn't want her to take over and invite everyone over immediately like she did last time, which caused a lot of damage, TBH. It's like if we disagree with her on anything we're just stupid and wrong and ungrateful, but we learnt last time that we can't just go along with it all this time to keep the peace, at our detriment really.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2008 12:40

I don't know what you don't want your son there if it's a home birth, especially if it's at night when he would proably sleep through it all anyway.
I gues syour mum feels like she's okay to look after DS at your bidding but has been to to stay clear until invited to meet your new one...

have to say that 'dumping DS back on you' seems a harsh way of referring to your child being brought home..but I guess you are in labour and feeling stressed

Original poster

bohemianbint · 22/08/2008 12:40

Oops, sorry - x posted with everyone else!

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 22/08/2008 12:43

SOrry that you are having a stressful time . You should be able to concentrate on your labour now. However I do agree with her that your DS shouldn't be away from you for any longer than neccessary - new sibling can make a child feel a little pushed out anyway. I agree with you about the houseful of people though.

Lizzylou · 22/08/2008 12:44

Your DS does need to see the baby as soon as possible, but on his own, with his parents. PIL brought DS1 to meet DS2 at the hospital with SIL and her new boyfriend, I wasn't feeling up to guests, and it was all a bit crowded. DS1 got upset and I was sad that I hadn't thought it through and asked for it to be just us, our new family of 4.
We picked up DS1 on the way back from the hospital, to try to make it as normal as possible IYKWIM.
So, your Mom is being unreasonable about wanting to invite hordes of people round straight after birth, but my advice is to do everything to make your DS feel included.
Good luck!

Original poster

bohemianbint · 22/08/2008 12:46

Dropdead - we made it really clear that the no visitors immediately didn't extend to them, as we don't see them as visitors. They were really good last time and cooked meals and helped out, it was just last time they organised that we had 2 solid days of people in the house without a break - we didn't even get to eat for 9 hours straight, let alone get any rest!

We just wanted to make sure that they knew they were welcome, but we wanted space before the world and his dog came round. (Literally, last time it was friends of friends who we'd never even met!) Surely that should be fair enough? But what's upset me is that rather than respecting that she got really shitty and said "right, well you tell everyone then".

It's not just that either, it's just that everything I've said today she's totally disagreed with and I don't want to have to fight for the right to have my own opinions, not today!

OP posts:

cheerfulvicky · 22/08/2008 12:46

Don't know what to suggest but saw your other threads and - I know its easier said than done, but: you need to calm down and not worry about this as much as possible so you can labour well and avoid being dragged into hospital because nothing is happening. Really difficult I know when feeling stressed, but I think it's important not to fret too much about this in order to get things moving
Good luck with the birth, let us know how it goes!

OrmIrian · 22/08/2008 12:47

"DH won't get any time with me and the baby at all, apart from when DS is asleep"

I'm afraid that is par for the course for any subsequent baby. After all your family consists of you, DH and 2 children now. DS needs time with your and the baby just as much as DH does. I sympathise though - it was a shock when DD came along that we didn't get as much of that special time as we did first time round.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 22/08/2008 12:48

Ha - didn't bloomin get it the first time around either!

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 22/08/2008 12:48

Have to say that she sounds a nightmare and totally unsupportive. I suppose everyone gets a little overwraught at this time.

Hope it goes well.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 22/08/2008 12:50

Cheers Orm. She can be supportive, but only if you are doing as you are told to the letter. Any deviation is madness, apparently.

Ah well, I'm off to find something to eat. Thanks for all the feedback everyone!

OP posts:

AvenaLife · 22/08/2008 12:51

You have to do what is right for you and your family. You are entitled to some bonding time, all of you but you shouldn't be expected to have visitors until you feel ready. If granny won't take him out for a few hours then have him at home. Take it easy and try not to worry about it. Just go with the flow. Somethings shouldn't be worried about and this is one of them. It should all fall into place without any effort. If ds is with you then he's with you. Give him little jobs that he can manage. He'll be curious and wondering what's going on.

MmeLindt · 22/08/2008 12:51

What a shame that your mum is spoiling what should be a wonderful moment in your life by being difficult.

You are right to insist on peace and quiet for the first couple of days. And if you were in hospital then your DS would only come in to see you for an little while. So it is not unreasonable to expect her to keep your DS for a day or two until you are back on your feet then bring him home. (Although I can imagine that when he is home to see you that he might not want to go back to your mum's house)

MmeLindt · 22/08/2008 12:56

Just a thought - she is probably nervous, you are still her daughter and she is worried about you.

Still not ok to be pissy with you today of all days, but maybe she is worried about you. Was she ok about the homebirth?

Good luck!

justneedsomesleep · 22/08/2008 13:12

can understand that you might not want a house full of visitors NOW....but after you get home you might be desperate to show off your new baby. If there are visitors make sure they're not in the house for long and make their own tea and coffee.

However, I agree with your mum and other posters - don't exclude your toddler. My dd was in the hispital to meet her brother the day he was born and we were ALL at home that same day. We gave dd a present in the hospital from her brother (which is a nice thing to do)
Remember that you will be a family of 4 and concentrate on that.

And try not to worry too much about routine in the early weeks/months.
Get a take out for dinner on the firt night home.

Good luck with the birth and enjoy your new family!

Romy7 · 22/08/2008 13:20

aw. my friend swears by her homebirth where her dad rubbed her back and dd1 saw her brother born. the ils didn't turn up for 15 minutes after the birth (actually, mw only just made it) but she said it was a lovely shared experience.
horses for courses, but relaaaaaax. she's probably just as stressed as you are and you're just rubbing each other up the wrong way. do think that to want time with dh and the new baby is a step too far, though. personally i was really really keen to get the big kids back so that they felt a part of the family, but you have to deal with it your way.
good luck! i'm sure by this time tomorrw you will wonder why you were so worked up!

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 22/08/2008 13:31

YANBU, you mum should just hold her tongue and let you get on with labouring - even if she doesn't agree with what you have asked her to do. You need some unconditional support at the moment, not conflict.

If you want a day to yourself after the baby arrives, ask your mum to not tell your ds that the baby has been born until the day she is dropping him off at yours. That way your ds won't feel pushed out.

I looked after my nephew at my house when my niece was being born (a hb). When he woke up in the morning I told him that the baby had been born and we went out together and bought the new baby a present. When I dropped him off he presented the present to his new sister. He was fine with it all, and to be honest he had no idea what all the fuss was about!

Ignore what may or may not happen in the next few days and concentrate on you and welcoming this new baby.

Good luck

taxiservice · 22/08/2008 13:32

The great thing about hospital births is that visiting time is restricted! Perhaps home birthers need, along with the midwife, a bouncer at the door for a few days

PinkyDinkyDooToo · 22/08/2008 18:26

So sorry your Mum is being like this now, I've seen your thread on childbirth and obviously its not the best time for you. I wonder if you told her that the MW said no visitors as you are too tired or something may help. If it came from an HP would it help.

Hope everything goes well for you. Also she is very rude to invite other peopl to your home. It is up to you who visits

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2008 19:12

Well I had a hospital birth and went in in the morning and was home by 4pm...back home to my other two daughters, dh's mother and brother and his wife..and a friend who happened to be driving by and saw us get out the car with the new arrival. It was lovely that everyone visited on the first day and got it out of the way while we were on a high...then rang and asked about subsequent visits...

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