Long-MIL has made one of our family kids hate the other.. pure manipulation... WHY?

[G2B]

DPs mum and her sister are very close and their kids have pretty much all been brought up together between the two. One of the girls died (DPs cousin) when she had a baby. He's now a lovely toddler and as DPs mum can't have kids anymore (miscarriages a few years ago with her new husband) she sort of tries to make the toddler her son IYSWIM. He's totally spoilt which is fair as he has no mum.

However, she tries to make their 'bond' into a big deal. She lets him run riot at hers because she's 'fun' and she REALLy winds him up.

We are very close to the toddler and used to mind him a lot before we had our DS. Not as much as her though.

When our DS was born, the toddler loved him, but she kept making a big deal to the toddler about 'I'm holding a NEW baby. Awwwww.' and trying to make him jealous. If the toddlers nana (who is pretty much his mum now) held our baby, MIL would be like 'Nana's got a new baby now ha ha.' to make him upset.

Then he got weird about our baby and didn't want to touch him anymore. At first he wanted to cuddle him all the time, and loved him to bits.

The other day MIL was minding DS. I have made it clear in the past that I'd rather she not have them together as the toddler is a real handful now and my baby has bad reflux so he'll just randomly choke so he's quite hands-on as well. Plus I know she winds the toddler up until he really doesn't want my baby there. She also lets him touch my baby's mouth or put his dummy in with his dirty hands because he's always digging in the garden or putting his hands all over the car and he gets messy. She lets him share DS's dummy,too which I don't like as DS is only 14 weeks old.

However, the other day when I turned up for SIL to mind the baby (she'd asked to do so, and she lives with mil) when I got there MIL had made sure she had the toddler as obviously she was feeling left out not being centre of attention as she always likes to be.

When I returned she told me that when the toddler woke up he wouldn't go near DS and he was shouting at him to go away. He wouldn't let MIL or SIL near the baby and he kept cuddling MIL. She said she was really very happy about this as she likes him to cuddle her.

WTF?

Also, she whinges that she doesn't have DS often (I've never stopped her), so I told her she can have him any time she wants, and she just has to let me know, but I'd definately like her to have him this week as he's getting clingy with me and I don't want that to happen.

So she said 'I've got toddler tomorrow, but I will have him one of the days this week, I'll let you know'. Then she didn't!

She HATES that I'm his mum as she wants to be I think and she wants to be cente of attention all the time. I think with the toddler because the paper follows him and his progress because of what happened to his mum, he's always centre of attention, the town love him and ev everyone wants to share him, she likes being close to him so that she's in the limelight.

She buys things like bibs and presents for the toddler despite the fact his nana and grandad who have him now are rich. She keeps loads of things at her house for him including a bed, loads of toys, a travel cot, all his nappies, wipes, his own cupboard of food etc. She has NOTHING for DS and never buys him anything, not even a bib or some nappies when we have NO money at all and we're sturggling. We get by, and son never goes without, we do, but it'd be nice if she treated them the same. DP asked her if she could buy DS some nappies as we were running out and had no money for a few days and she said No,so my mum got them for him.

She hates my mum having anything to do with DS and she sulked at his christening because she wasn't centre of attention, or being treated as his mum.

She always tries to make it difficult when it comes to our wedding, and I think she sees me as a threat.

So what does everyone think?

Oh and DPs auntie (the one who's daughter died) absolutely LOVES our son and wants to mind him all the time, and tries to teach the toddler to like him.

I wouldn't like her looking after my child on her own. I would just stick to my own mum. It would be too stressful for me. I would go round and see her but I wouldn't leave the baby with her.

I think you need to stop expecting so much of her. Weddings can be emotional for MILs, maybe afterwards it will be a bit easier.

I honestly don't expect anything other than for her to ring and see how DS is sometimes, stop maoning that I don't let her look after him when really it's her that doesn't let me know when she can have him, and to stop trying to make the toddler hate our DS.

She's very manipulative. She even tried to name my son!

G2B your MIL sounds like a Horrible B Witch. Who seems to try and control you and the poor Toddler!

I would keep your DS away from her as much as possible. What kind of Adult makes a child hate another child hmmm.

I think your DS and Toddler should spend time together away from the MIL.

What does your DP think of his Mother treating you and your child like this.

Can you not step in with the Toddler and explain to the Grandparents just what sort of woman they are leaving there Grandchild with?

Well the family are all very close and it's like they all go 'that's just what she's like' and make exceptions for her. I think that's actually a very good suggestion to see the toddler with our DS on our own without her. We adore the toddler, he's a great kid but she's turning him into a nightmare.

DP is very annoyed with his mum for what she's doing, but he actually stood up to her on something the other week and I was totally shocked at the way she treated him like he meant nothing to her, then suddenly managed to turn it all round on him and make him feel guilty and HE ended up apologising. Then I told him what she'd done, he realised, and rung her back up and then she apologised to him but without actually saying sorry IYSWIM.

She sounds barking.

Vist your DP's auntie for toddler and baby bonding and perhaps tell her your fears. Then perhaps you can come up with a way that your MIL can have your DS and toddler on seperate occasions.

FWIW, one thing that interested me about your post is that you said that your DS was becoming clingy with you and you don't want that to happen. That is a natural part of a baby / mother relationship. Don't think of it as negative. There will be plenty of times in the next few years where he'll be clingy. It's because he needs you.

She does sound off her Rocker! Sorry it seems she wants it her way or no way and everyone must focus on her including the toddler!

I would defo try and get the toddler and your DS together alone and nip the jealous thing in the bud with the toddler!

MIL I wouldn't want to leave my DS with someone like that I would stick to my Mum and even the Auntie.

I hope you work things out.

I know he's not my son, but when you have a son and you bring a new baby home and they don't like it and get jealous, how do you combat it? because I think we should take the same approach. Especially as the toddler loves my DP to bits and he doesn't have a dad, so he probably looks at my DP as a dad role model.

She's going to be damaging this poor toddler with her manipulative, 'all-about-me' behaviour and you don't want her to do the same to your baby. I'd let her get on with it, don't feel bad that she doesn't 'love' your baby as much, it's not that, it's because the toddler fulfills her needs to be needed and your baby has his mum so he can't. Children are not there to meet our needs but vice versa which she obviously doesn't realise and she's letting him get away with awful behaviour and also making him resent your son because it makes her feel special and wanted.
She's barking mad and I'd keep my baby well away if I was you.

Certainly agree with others that you need to see MIL with your DS, and not let her look after him. And also see the toddler other times. What a shame that people have to act like this

It is weird isn't it? It's not just me being paranoid? She's really evil for all this isn't she?

You may want to put your initial posting onto the Stately Homes Part 4 thread for some more opinions.

No its not you being paranoid at all; this MIL seems to be narcissistic in terms of personality, not least of all toxic. She is using this child to meet her own needs. Whatever it is (and my money's on NPD), it has gone untreated and she will not change. She does not think she has done anything wrong and likely accepts no responsibility for her actions. Was not also very surprised to see that her family take the attutide of "well that's just what she's like". This is also doing them no favours at all. It gives this lady more free rein in her own warped mind.

Stay well away from this, you will be dragged down by them otherwise.

This toddler will become badly emotionally harmed at her hands in future years, this lady needs to realise that this boy is not her son. Where's this boy's Dad, what's his role in all this?

Agree with Attila she is a lunatic. Poor child, he will be totally fucked up. I recommend you get your DP to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, I bet he'll recognise his mother instantly.

The toddler's dad is a 19 year old lad who isn't interested particularly. He only sees the toddler about once every two weeks as when toddler's mum died, his dad went off and got a new girlfriend and got her pregnant instantly.

I'm going to buy that Toxic Parents on Amazon today if I can.

Off to find the Stately Homes thread...

Wow she does sound barking, as though she is trying to make toddler her own surrogate child. You are right to be worried.

I think the advice you've been given is spot on, only let MIL see DS when you/DP are there and maybe visit toddler at his other gp/auntie with your ds so toddler can spend time with your ds away from toxicity.

Understandably he has been a little spoilt but, as with all toddlers when a new baby comes along, they have to get used to a little less attention but no less love. But of course done in a normal way, not your MIL way!