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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need to find some inner strength before DP gets home

13 replies

namechange411 · 21/08/2008 11:59

I'm finding it difficult to cope with the sitiuation with my DP. We've had our ups and downs but generally our relationship is very good. But the last few days he's being really difficult and quite mean, imo. At the moment I'm having a hard time with a particularly bad period but instead of support, I'm getting comments about self pity. Apparently I was supposed to wake him up for work but I didn't know and he's accusing me of doing it deliberately. There is other stuff too but I'm getting so desperate as I don't know how to deal with this without taking it out on myself. He'll be back with my DD any minute and DS will wake up soon and I'm in pieces.I've nemaechanged but I'm a regular.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange411 · 21/08/2008 12:02

anyone, please?

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Original poster
namechange411 · 21/08/2008 12:08

bump

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maidamess · 21/08/2008 12:11

namchange I don't know what to say to you....I feel it may come out as 'Why are you scared of your dp? Or ,'why do you let yourself be treated like this?' and I don't think thats what you want to hear right now.

What do you think will happen when he comes back thats making you so anxious?

Rhonds · 21/08/2008 12:11

First of all hug
Try to deal with him rationally: why would anyone deliberately not waken someone for work?
Speak to him and let him know how he's making you feel
Ask for his help (impossible to refuse)
I don't like the sound of you taking it out on yourself...maybe you need to speak with the doctor to help you through this period?

MyHeadIsSpinning · 21/08/2008 12:11

I went through a similar situation recently.

I found it empowering to respond to DH with' I'm sorry you feel that way. I feel differently but respect your opinion' then walk away.

Or

'Your behaviour is making me question if you are the person I want to have in my life' and walk away

DO NOT enter into conversation with him. Walk into another room, go out, keep busy. DO NOT give into his nastiness by reacting.

That way you are telling him that you don't accept his cruel words BUT you are not getting into an argument with him.

DH and I are currently seperated BUT at the time when I used these words they did have an effect and stopped us arguing and it makes it difficult for him to continue being nasty.

Good luck!
Hope I've replied in time and this helps a little

Original poster
namechange411 · 21/08/2008 12:16

I'm anxious because he gets so angry with me when I'm uoset as there is stuff in his past around women being upset.
He thinks I didn't deliberately wake him as I wanted him to stay off and look after the children. Which is not true, at all.
I've just seen a surestart pyschologist for 10 weeks of therapy but I'm being referred for pyschotherapy but that will take months. I just have problems with being treated like shit when I haven't done anything wrong. And when I disagree with something he says I'm "acting like a prick" or too defensive.

Thank you for your replies, it helps to know I'm not completely on my own. Just don't want to be in tears around the children.

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Original poster
namechange411 · 21/08/2008 12:18

Myheadisspinning, thank you for the practical tips. I need to behave in a sensible way and not just cry. I'm 34 ffs. I feel 14 though

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Rhonds · 21/08/2008 12:21

Everyone has problems with being treated like shit when they haven't done anything wrong.
Perhaps at the moment things as conspiring to push the worst buttons on both of you.
ask him to help you out by calming down as that will lead to you being less upset.
Can you go out for a drink/coffee together and talk it through?
Getting away from thr kids for a few hours could help too.

Original poster
namechange411 · 21/08/2008 12:30

Rhonds, it's impossible for us to find time wawy from tge children although my DD will be going to her father's this weekend.I have got people who would babysit but they're all away. When I try to talk about things he says the problem's all mine. When I ask him to give examples of what I've supposed to have done (apart from the waking up issue) he can't give me one which doesn't revolve around me being unreasonable and self pitying. What gets me is that we can be incredibly close and then go very quickly to a bad place. I just don't understand anymore.I do try so hard to communicate carefully, no " you always do this" etc and instead say" I felt... when you...." but that doesn't seem to register.
This man is training to be a counsellor ffs.

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Rhonds · 21/08/2008 12:42

My mum is a counsellor too but that hasn't changed they way she deals with things either....
What about making a meal for when the kids have gone to bed and telling him that you'd like to get things back on track.
Explain you're unhappy and anxious. If he says self pitying etc say you aren't trying to be but ask him to tell you in future when he thinks you are doing it so that you have an opportunity to examine the behaviour and communicate either what you really mean or get to the bottom of his perceived problems.
It seems like shit advice to get you to try all these things when he is being an arse to you but if it were me this is what I'd try

Original poster
namechange411 · 21/08/2008 12:50

Thank you Rhionds for your wise and kind words. I think I will cook a meal for later. I'm just so tired and have no appetite at the moment. I know having low blood sugar is not good for equilibrium but I can't face earing right now. I'll try later though. I think one of my problems is that I'm sometimes overly sensitive, around PMT time for example. But I'm supposed to be the woman he loves and wants to be with. Is it too much to ask that he affords me the same understanding I give to him? He'll be home soo, I just rang to find out how close to home he is. He asked me how the house was. What he meant was how is my mood? But it wasn't said in a caring way, more of a how will it be for me when I get back way. Anybody would think I shout, scream and swear at him instead of crying. But I'm going to be strong now as I have a baby to feed and I don't want him to see me upset as it confuses him . I just want a hug and an apology but I'm not getting them so I guess the wall will go up again, just to protect myself.

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mother3 · 21/08/2008 13:27

no 1 desereves to treated like shit and made to feel bad about them selves. .They seem to pick up when some 1 is down and walk all over u.Tell him to set an alarm clock if he needs to wake up.I dont think he will be a very good counsiler if he dosent sort out his own personal relationships.Perhaps he is stressed and dont like to worry you.My hubby ignores me if i go off on 1 he knows but that gets me more Isolated..How about getting a nice bottle of wine and relax when the kids are in bed with a nice meal..He might need to talk to you.I know it can be difficult if he dosent want to comunicate u must feel like u are wasting your breath.If he dosent comunicate with u u dont have a future 2 gether.Hope i am wrong and he starts to talk 2 you.Name change u are not a mind reader he needs 2 speak 2 you.!!!

Original poster
namechange411 · 21/08/2008 16:28

thank you for your replies. He came home and we seem to be ok for now. Will have to thrash it out later though.

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