Is anyone else fed up with their selfish Dh (Need a good whinge)

[Chiccadum]

Is anyone out there fed up to the back teeth with their selfish Dh. He was very very quiet with me yesterday and didn't want to speak he says he was tired, I don't know how, he was sat down watching tele all day, he also only got up twice to dd2 during the night whilst i was up at least 6 times and spent all day on my feet decorating and running after the kids. When he's at work the next day he refuses point blank to even so much as wash a plate and because i am a control freak,(can't stand things untidy and not put away) I always end up doing it, he also refuses to get up with dd2 during the night the day before work and wonders why i am shattered and go to bed within an hour of him coming home from work. He also won't feed dd2 because she won't feed right for him, she tends to play, but as i keep saying if he won't do it she won't get used to Daddy feeding her but it all falls on deaf ears. Whether it's near work or not he won't even get off the sofa on a Saturday because it's a football day, he'll watch anything & everything to do with sport & won't even change a nappy but to top it all he has now started complaining that I am spending too much time on Mumsnet. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhh

Chiccadum if thats the way things are I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your DH. He is not pulling his weight at all and thats not on. Whats his job? Looking after children is as hard as most jobs - so evenings and weekends should be 50/50 IMO.

I agree with Bozza, only I'd be a bit more on the forceful side with convincing him to pull his weight.

I've tried talking till i'm blue in the face and either i'm nagging or he'll change for a couple of weeks then it's back to normal. He won't even go out of the house as a family on Saturdays because of football. I would love to have a day just doing what i want but can't because dd1 & dd2 come first, and everything revolves round them until they are in bed. I sometimes think i'd have less work as a single mum but love him dearly and don't want to split up as a family, I just wish he'd use common sense. It's one rule for him and another for me.

No batters I haven't thought of that, maybe i will in the near future. I don't mean to make him sound awful, he will cook and do the shopping, (I prefer to do the ironing myself as he irons creases in the clothes not out)and if i badger him enough wash up but he has no common sense to the small things that would make my life easier, like not leaving empty wrappers everywhere, picking his clothes off the bedroom floor, shen he washes up after dinner including the cooker and generally tidying up after himself. I once left a cup he used where he put it on the bedside table on purpose and it was there just over 2 weeks.

Chiccadum.. >shamed< that sounds like me....
.... I'm going to hoover and dust tonight.....

oh god, me too, that cup incident (me being the one who didn't notice the cup)... after at LEAST 2 weeks dh asked if I was trying to grow penicillin.

This is not meant as a criticism to you chiccadum, but your dh may not be being useless, he may simply not notice - we all have very different tolerances as to mess and I know from experience it's definitely easier to be the one with the greater mess tolerance.

Still, no excuse for not feeding or changing nappies. You've just got to put him in a position where he has no choice...

I think you've got to try and let him know how it makes you feel when the place is a mess and explain what you mean by the place being a mess. Or learn to live with it. Or get a cleaner. Good luck.

I personally think that unless you let him do jobs (even badly) you will never get used to him doing them! The other day, dh cooked for me, and it was really hard for me to stay out of the kitchen and let him get on with it without trying to 'help'. You said yourself that you were a control freak...maybe he has got used to this, and feels that he doesn't need to do anything, because you will do it anyway.

I'm not criticising you - my dh never wipes his toast crumbs off the surface, and it drives me wild, but you will never be able to enjoy time to yourself if you don't relax. You say that he won't do anything with you on a Saturday...well, why don't you treat yourself to lunch out with a friend on a Sunday, and tell him that he is babysitting for a couple of hours. OK, you'll probably come home to a messy house, but it will teach your dh what hard work children are.

Some good points here but I think you definitely need a bit of time to yourself to unwind. Try and arrange something with a friend as suggested.

Phillipat, you struck cord when you said he may not notice, he lived at home until he met me and his mums house although quite clean is the most cluttered house i have ever seen, he said that when he lived at home he NEVER dusted or tidied his bedroom once so it could really be he doesn't notice, if he wants something i can tell him where it is what shelf and how many rows back, i've just got a good memory but i think he takes advantage of that as Chinchilla said, he even asks where things are that are right in front of him. My husband also leaves crumbs everywhere. I can't remember the last time i had some time to unwind, if i have a bath one of the girls has to come in with me so it's in and out but when he has one he's in for an hour and reads a book.

Ciccadum I am a bit of a control freak too and find it hard to just let dh get on with things in his own way. I snap at him for the silliest things that really are just differences of approach to things. Sometimes I snap at the children for doing things that he does too and really I am getting at him. That is really unfair, but I feel conscious of being a nag sometimes. I think going out for a few hours at first, then maybe a day, is the right idea. You'll have to be prepared to come back to a mess I reckon, but as long as the children are happy and fed and warm, it would be worth it?! I remember when I went back to work after first child, leaving dh in charge, it was v difficult to relinquish control, but it wd have been impossible to stay completely in charge and be out at work!
Good luck

Oh, and another thing, make him get up one morning of the weekend. I recently started making dh do this, and although he moans, he does do it. I think that it doesn't do them any harm to get their children up, feed them and play with them one morning a week. That means that you will get a lie in. Mine still asks me what to give ds for breakfast though...oh well, you can't win them all!