Cheat or not a cheat? That is the question?

[imconfusedme]

I am a namechanger for this.

I've always thought that dh would NEVER cheat, but something over the last 12 hours has sown the seed of doubt.

Last night dh went out with the lads for a few drinks. He came home quite late (I'm not bothered about that) with a friend of mine who stays over occasionally. For the first half hour or so they were talking very loudly etc then it all went eerily quiet, after a short while I thought I heard noises and then a small grunt (when partner thrusts etc .

Went downstairs this morning and she was on the sofa and said that DH had fallen asleep on the other sofa and was snoring his head off. Usually when dh has had a drink his snoring eminates throughout the house and I heard NOTHING.

Could I be reading into something that is not there?

Have to echo ginny.

You say he 'went out with the lads', so why did he come back with a woman. Is she considered a lad too?

I wouldn't immediately think that they have slept together but why on earth would you lie there listening to it?

well i cant say that i actually believe this is a bona fide problem myself

Is the OP coming back to us on this? Perhaps its is made up or perhaps she is the 'friend'.

Oh dear - roll on September when all the little trolls go back to school.

LOL trolls going back to school.

I am not a troll, I've been on this site since 2002. I replying quickly and sketchily because I am at work.

Right to clarify.

She has been staying with us since May, but, she has a very on-off relationship with the fella and tends to stay away more than she stays with us.

They didn't go out drinking together, she is a barmaid at the local dh and I go to.

well there doesnt seem to be any reason for her to stay with you so just knock it on the head

tell dh to deal with it

and say you didnt like him and her having such a close relationship

Well, gosh, far be it from me to inject a note of sanity into the proceedings but as I understand it:

A childhood friend of DH has been staying for some time. They came back drunk and made a lot of noise. The noise stopped and a grunt of some kind was heard at some point. DH subsequently came to bed. As an aside, neither DH nor the friend has ever given the OP reason to be suspicious at any point in the past.

Now which is more likely? That he fell asleep whilst drunk and he made a strange sound whilst asleep? Or that after several decades and despite, I assume, having had countless opportunities to do it in the past, they suddenly and spontaneously jumped on each other and shagged each other senseless with his wife and kids asleep upstairs.

Seriously, which is more likely?

I think anything is possible.

It certainly is an odd situation.

Id just keep an eye on them from now on. If theyve done it once and got away with it then they will do it again. Next time catch them and at least you will have proof.

oops sorry confused
There are a lot of them on here at the moment.
I do apologise
Why not just come out and ask him what the noise you heard was?

No I know this sort of thing can and does happen, especially if the bloke is pissed.

Difficult to say but I'd have been afraid to go downstairs too.

...almost like they want to be sprung iyswim...

But it might not have been anything. Perhaps you are already uuncomfortable with the way they interact and that's why you imagined you heard things? Either way things have to be changed.

I really do sympathise with you. you have two choices: either ask them or be
prepared to live (forever) with the doubt and suspicion.

Perhaps ask her first, tell her what you suspect and what's at stake. Or, just ask him.

Neither is a good answer I'm afraid.

I'm so sorry, having been in a similar poition I know the doubt never goes away.

Take care and good luck.

Thinking about this more, it really sounds like a lot of the signs are there. It might be innocent but some of the things you said ring bells

Why was he out with her for instance and you left at home?

Situations like that are a bit odd really.

I think maybe you need to speak to him in all seriousness and tell him what you heard

See how he responds.

It's not nice for you, sorry you're going through this.

This has happened to someone I know in RL. They were work colleagues, it caused the end of a marriage and massive dents in their professional reputations (people have loooonng memories).

Not out of the realms of possibility that they are up to no good.

Have you had any suspicions about them before? If not, then maybe he was so drunk that he fell asleep as she said and indeed was snoring? Or maybe I'm being naive. If the situation bothers you to that extent then you should at least ask some probing questions IMO.

Actually you have a third option - say nothing and be vigilent. I'd be checking emails, phones, texts, but then I've been driven to the point of insanity by it all.

Is knowing the truth really the best option?
Will it mean sharing the children at weekends, or not spending every Christmas with them?

Could you stay with him if you knew the truth, and he had enough respect to be honest and go to counselling with you?

I don't think these things are necessarily a break-up. They certainly could be, but you have to weigh-up your situation and circumstances and ultimately what you, and he, value.

I'm so sorry. There are no answers to this, but I really hope you are strong and brave and get some peace of mind.