The Perfect MIL

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Ok ladies, here's your chance.

I have two (young) adult sons and at some point I'm going to be a MIL (or equivalent) to another woman. How does the perfect MIL behave?

I'm starting to quite like my MIL, but it took me a while as I confess to being a bit afraid of her.

I think the perfect MIL shouldn't 'expect' anything from their DIL, just try and relax and take them as they come. As that way they are more likely to be relaxed and get to know and like you!

My MIL is pretty fab. She:

• effortlessly puts her family first - you never feel that anything is too much trouble for her
• treats me as one of the family - my Xmas present will always be worth the same amount as dh's for example. Will always talk to me on the phone if I answer
• is utterly governed by our childrearing approach (even when we know she doesn't agree with it, she would never say anything)
• tells us both how well we've done raising our two - if full of praise for what we do and full of self-depreciating stories of her motherhood
• raised a wonderful son, but doesn't go on about it

I've always got on quite well with my MiL (she used to employ me actually!) and is the world's proudest granny (i.e bores folk to death with photos/stories of GS).
Some times she can do my head in but that's natural. She provides childcare for DS if she can at the drop of a hat. She'll do anything for me and likewise, I'll help her out where ever possible.

FiL isn't a bad old stick either .

My MIL is like a second Mum. She's affectionate, generous, and always willing to help.

She and FIL have often said I'm like the daughter they never had - DH and his brother are her only children. She miscarried a girl and I know this has always made them both really sad. Both her sons have now had girls and they dote on DD and her cousin.

I also got flowers thanking me for her first grandchild when DD was born, plus a specially put together box of essentials for baby (vests, nappies etc) - which included nice toiletries and things for me.

She's also really chilled and has a good sense of humour.

I'm off to pick DD up from hers in a bit. And that's another thing - she has DD for one afternoon a week which saves me paying for childcare...

I liked my MIL at first, but after a while I realised that she never listened to a word I said, that she had to be the centre of attention, she nagged for England, she'd do the opposite of everything we did with dd when she babysat (eg dd was fed on demand except with MIL she was on a 4 hour schedule "I don't know why she's crying like that, it's only 3 hours since I fed her..."; and she would take her round to SIL's when SIL was playing with crack and heroin or pissed as a newt and violent etc).

Don't do those things and you'll be OK.

When I am a MIL, I will

• Buy my DIL a gift should she give birth to a grandchild NOT get her tiny something from the holiday they were on when DS was born so 'you won't feel left out'. There's me barely able to sit on the sofa 'cos of the stitches resulting from giving birth
• Not ignore wishes of DIL and DS when they request no electronic toys for Christmas presents
• Support DIL choices over infant feeding - not criticise breastfeeding eveyr step of the way. If DIL wants to formula feed, so be it - I will keep my pro-breastfeeding views to myself

I'm really at nice MIL stories... I can only tell you what not to do....

1. Don't offer your home for DS and DIL to move in to then withdraw the offer once their house is on the market because you've had second thoughts about the dog who you've known was part of the package from the outset.

2. Don't offer them a large sum of money to buy a property at auction to renovate and stay close by as opposed to trying to move to Canada which is what they want.

3. If having a conversation about emmigration don't say 'we'll do what ever it takes to stop you taking mini-hen abroad', and 'it'll break my heart'.

4. If looking after DGD, follow the meal plan provided - don't think you know better - you won't.

5. Don't criticise other GPs for their skills when nobody else has a problem with them.

6. When told what DS and DIL plans are for DIL birthday, don't piss all over them and suggest different places to go if not asked.

7. Don't send DS to a private lonely boarding school and then think this gives you a right to dictate well in to adulthood what you think his career should be, and vocally disapprove of everything he chooses.

OMG - had no idea I had such pent up anger until I started typing. Do feel a bit better now though.

breathe

Jeez - thank-god we won't be living with those shitheads parents-in-law

I love my MIL too- totally mad but very relaxed out in a mad irish granny type of way. she's always the 1st to empathise with me about my nearly 2yr old DS (she had 3 DS's) and likes to take my lead and support me whatever i'm doing. In fact she makes far less annoying comments than my mother -her favourite quote being 'oo you girls never did anything like that' She's more likely to say 'those boys nearly drove me mad i tell you'
I love the way she blames 'those darn teeth' on difficult behaviour too lol- even when DS has a red mark on his willy she proclaimed it was because of 'those darn teeth' which still makes me giggle.

Have lots of horror stories about my mil, but despite our dodgy relationship she loves my 2ds very much and is (most of the time) a great granny. My fil is brilliant and love him loads.

I think that one of the greatest things must be to have a wonderful MIL. Mine is a dragon.

She hates me and my three SILs. She tries to break up our marriages. She believes we have all taken her sons off her. She puts herself between her sons and their wives in an attempt to make them choose.

I have three sons and, from experience, will do the following as a minimum

1. Accept and respect my sons choices of wives, even if I have my doubts
2. Not meddle in my sons marriages and lives. I will wait to be asked, and offer when appropriate
3. I will be good to the women that my sons love, so that my sons love me for it (I see the pain in my dh eyes at my MILs unpleasantness towards me. I know he would love her to love me like he does)

my MIL is fab

best things are

1. treats me as a member of the family not just as dp's partner. I think I see/speak to her more often than dp does

2. tells me often how I am a wonderful mother, how I've done so well to do xyz etc etc (unlike my own mother who calls me a failure and disapointment)

3. adores ds, spoils him to a certain degree (as every gp does) - but doesn't get silly over it and always respects what we decide.

4. offers help but never inteferes. Offers support when we need it etc.

And is just generally lovely. FIL is nice too.

I wish my MIL would ask sometimes if I'd like to go for a hot chocci and a chat. Or offer to mind DS. Or not try to start arguments between DP and I. Or not act as though she is the most important person in the world and everyone must do what she says or bugger off. Or ask if I'd like to go shopping. Or buy DS the odd babygrow or bib as we have so little money. Or not pretend DS is her son

Not take over every occasion and sulk if it's not all about her. Not try to put spanners in the works over us getting married. Not bitch about me behind my back. Not purposely do the opposite with DS to what i say.

I do like that she's always saying I'm losing my baby weight, and she gives me wine when I go round lol.

She's not all bad. She only irritates my socks off when I'm feeling a little down. I normally like her.

Oh and I would have LOVED it if she offered to do anything for me after I had DS, and if she didn't get in a sulk when I wanted a couple of days of just me, DP and baby after he stopped breathing at 2 days old.

But I don't know how that would be told from her perspective?

"She has her little quirks like, egg white on nappy rash "

Lol, she's actually right: a quote from Barefoot Botanicals:

"Another Naturopathic tip is to apply egg white to the nappy area then dry it using a hairdryer, this should be repeated three times so that a layer of albumin is built up, this will form a barrier and protect the skin between nappy changes. The use of egg white used to be a standard hospital treatment for bedsores."

Thanks for all the suggestions and tips on being a MIL to another woman, I'll do my best when the time comes.

My Mil is bonkers (so is Fil, but in a different way). She is a major attention-seeker, who will do anything to get it, including making up all sorts about us and the children, and knowing everything about anything, making a right arse of herself.

She even knows what Mini-Royal does, even before i tell her. When i do tell her something, all i get is: "oooooohhh I knoooooooow!!!!".

So my advice would be: don't seek attention all the time, and reply "oh really, that's great!!!" when told of baby's first steps, not "I knoooow, i saw baby walk a month ago at my house!".

Ah, I know about that last bit, I used to childmind...

I think I can second what some o the other ladies have said - my MIL treats me as a member of the family, not some interloper who stole her son. She is helpful without interfering. She visits/chats to ME - in fact DP moaned the other day, that his mum has visited me more than she has visited him since we moved closer. She knows I'm having a difficult pregnancy, when she was over waiting at my house in case a delivery came while I was out, I came home to find she'd cleaned the kitchen.

She is sadly a truly terrible cook! but otherwise perfect in every way.

Don't cry when they announce they're engaged (mine did this, I never forgave her).
Don't plead with DIL to live in the same village (or even in a later, madder moment, in the same house).
Don't turn up unnanounced on Sunday lunchtimes until eventually DIL throws a hissy fit.
Don't, especially if you're a non-driver, insist DIL is driving too fast (at 50mph on a motorway)
Don't try to pick arguments about politics by stating your support for a political party you know your DIL opposes.
If GC stay overnight with you, do think about washing them now and again.
And don't let them do oil painting (with your professional oil paints)in new clothes which haven't been protected.
And if you do all of the above, don't wonder why DIL stops visiting you.
There...years of pent-up frustration released.