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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

has anyone had a DH who has been out of work for a long time?

16 replies

doodypud · 19/08/2008 22:21

my DH has been out of work for nearly 12 months now, we have 1 DD she is 3, and i have had to go back to work more than full time, he is applying for everything going but still no luck, anyone in a similar situation? really starting to lose hope

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Original poster
doodypud · 19/08/2008 22:23

i must add that he has had testular cancer, he is doing really well, hasnt spread at all however has had 5 months out of the looking for a job market...

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Twinklemegan · 19/08/2008 22:33

Oh Doddypud I feel for you and your DH. It's a horrible situation. We were in a similar situation for quite some time - the only work DH could get was intermittent contracts hundreds of miles away. The sector he worked in just didn't exist any more where we lived. Well after several years of him working away from home we got completely fed up. So he made the positive decision to pack it in and be a SAHD. The intention was still for him to find some work locally. What a nightmare? He is older than me so age went against him as well.

Does he want to go back to his previous work area? Is he maybe having trouble breaking into a new sector, because from experience that's a complete nightmare. It's only since we moved further north that DH is finally finding work locally - it's very low paid (hardly worth it after childcare) and completely different from what he used to do, and it required a complete change of mindset. But you know what, he's happier than I've seen him in years.

That's no help at all, and I've no advice to offer really. Other than what helped for us was accepting how things were and adjusting our lives accordingly. We're all happier for it.

Twinklemegan · 19/08/2008 22:34

Doodypud - sorry for the typo.

kama · 19/08/2008 22:39

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Original poster
doodypud · 19/08/2008 22:43

thanks twinklemegan, he does not want to go back to his previous job in sales, he wants a total change, but that is where his experience lies, he is 34 and retraining is not really an option, i think that he would be happier doing something totally different, sales is just so cut throat, you are golden balls one month and the next you are out because sales are not as good , ok when you are at home living with the parents, but not when you are a young familly just wanting to get on with life!! glad to hear you are finding positives though, i need to see the light at the end of the tunnel has not been turned off!! lol

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Original poster
doodypud · 19/08/2008 22:43

thanks kama, needing all the positive vibes i can get at the mo!!

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Original poster
doodypud · 19/08/2008 22:48

going to bed now, will catch up with my post in the am, just wanted to have a moan... night all..

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Twinklemegan · 19/08/2008 22:51

DH is 50, and therefore completely written off as far as most employers are concerned. He now does local gardening work, more to get out of the house than anything. He's pretty much working for nothing, but with the aim of building contacts and experience for when DS can get a funded nursery place next year. Basically we made changes and cut our cloth to fit - we were very lucky that we had the opportunity to do this.

I reckon your DH needs to find a positive spin on this and use the opportunity to strike out on his own, if that's what he'd like. It could be a really positive thing for you both. You are pretty much surviving on the one salary - therefore your salary will cushion you while your DH builds up his own thing. When he is earning, then you will have expenses you can meet on one salary so everything he earns will be a bonus. That's a very good way to be in this climate.

Original poster
doodypud · 20/08/2008 08:50

very true, its where to start though isnt it? how do you start up on your own? and doing what, i isnt particulary handy around the house as in the DIY sense, how did your DH start?

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FioFio · 20/08/2008 08:53

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PinkyDinkyDooToo · 20/08/2008 10:25

Doodypod, we had this a few years aog and it was really hard, I think just before DH finally found a job I was on the verge of becoming seriously depressed.

I'm sure it will happen for him. My DH was a bit older than this when it happened to him.

Twinklemegan · 20/08/2008 21:05

Fio - I think Doody and DH might run into the same problem that we did. Namely that our household income, with me earning, puts him just outside the bracket for getting any assistance with costs. Admittedly that's partly because he hasn't been eligible for JSA (having tried to change career by going to university thereby missing out on NIs).

34 certainly isn't too old to retrain, but IME anything past your mid 20s can make it very very difficult for employers to take you seriously. And to retrain in anything useful ie not the stuff the Government pushes, can cost a lot of money. We have never been able to afford for DH to take the risk.

Anyhow, that's not to depress you Doodypud. DH is pretty handy with stuff and enjoys gardening etc. but it's very hard to say where to start. Where we used to live he put up adverts etc. but didn't really get anywhere at all. Up here he answered a local advert for a gardener, expecting to get nowhere, and got the job which has led to more offers of work than he can manage to take up at the moment. So we're hopeful for the future when DS can have a funded nursery place. Word of mouth is so important, but tbh I think that only really operates in very small rural communities like ours.

The key, I think, is to be prepared to start small. Like I said, if you make sure you arrange your lives to manage on your salary alone that will remove the pressure from your DH to succeed immediately. It's not for everyone of course, but that is the only thing that has kept us both sane over the years.

Original poster
doodypud · 21/08/2008 12:55

sorry twinklemegan, just caught up with my post thanks for replying...just trying to keep positive at the moment..i do find my self getting very resentfull and it is really difficult being positive all the time.. i feel like i am a wound up spring about to burst!! our DD is only 3 and i work the equivilant of 6 days a week in hours, i do feel like my expectations of being a mum and spending as much time with her as possible have been dashed and i cant help the way i am with my DH at time, even though i know i am not helping....

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edam · 21/08/2008 12:57

Yes, dh has been signed off sick with depression from Christmas. He's been applying for jobs for a couple of months now and FINALLY got an offer last weeks but the bastards withdrew it as soon as he explained.

Sorry I can't tell you a happy story. However, I do have one about testicular cancer if that helps? My old boss had it 11 years ago, had a testicle removed and has been fine ever since, now the father of two lovely girls.

Original poster
doodypud · 21/08/2008 13:36

edam thats awfull!! can they do that?, so for you both..how do you keep positive? it must be really difficult, i feel like life is on hold at the mo, but yes very lucky because DH's cancer had not spread and it could have been a whole lot worse.

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edam · 21/08/2008 16:29

They have done it already. I suspect it might be illegal under the DDA - we have proof they offered the job verbally as they spoke to the recruitment consultant as well as dh (although whether a recruitment type would want to dob in a client is another matter).

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