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Relationships

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Original poster

Family problems caused by the arrival of a baby?

18 replies

Tessie · 05/02/2003 12:34

My partner's sister is older than he is and currently has no kids although is expecting soon. When he told her we were expecting our first, she did not speak to us for 9 months. It took her a while to come and see our baby and has only seen him twice since he was born. He is now 6 months old. She says that it was important to her to have the first grandchild in their family and that she has had emotions that she has not been able to handle. We are really confused and hurt about her reaction - any advice?

OP posts:

prufrock · 05/02/2003 12:42

Tell her to grow up!
Seriously though - when I was 6 weeks pregnant, and had not yet told anybody except dh (well he told me - but thats another story) my Mum called to tell me that my cousin was 12 weeks pregnant. I was gutted. I am 8 years older than her and had always been the oldest and leader in our generation. I came off the phone and screamed a lot. As it happened, her baby was overdue and dd was early, so I did have the first baby (and the most beautiful and clever ). But I am sure taht if it hadn't worked out taht way I would not have let it affect our relationship, or felt resentful on such a long term basis.

Original poster

Tessie · 05/02/2003 12:44

She has said that she will never get over it which is very sad. She blames it on an emotional reaction which she cannot control - go figure!

OP posts:

EmmaTMG · 05/02/2003 12:49

I think it almost laughable, it's like she's saying 'I want one first' like a spoilt child does with a packet of sweets. I think she's being abit selfish and maybe she'll realise how silly she's been when her baby is born.

Original poster

Tessie · 05/02/2003 12:52

Hmm, I hope so but I am not sure that she will. I suspect that once her baby is born, there will be lots of competition imposed by her - who has the baby who walks/talks first etc....it gives me a headache thinking about it!

OP posts:

Tinker · 05/02/2003 12:59

Blimey, what a big kid. She may well have 'issues', I'm sure lots of us had unwelcome feelings when told of a pregnancy at some time in our lives but you deal with it yourself and realise that it is YOUR isue, not the family that are due to have the baby. She sounds like a pompous spoiled brat and, yes, IF she does have one it'll be difficult for you maybe but, at least you have the moral high ground in knowing that you'e not so childish. And had one first ner ner ne ner ner (Sorry)

aloha · 05/02/2003 13:08

Tessie, this is her issue, her emotions, her loss, not yours. You can't change anything for her but you can decide not to let it worry you. When she talks about it, I'd just shrug it off by saying something like, 'Ah well, what's done is done'. Also ignore any competition there may be. Frankly, I think she sounds a bit nutty!

aloha · 05/02/2003 13:09

What I mean it, it's not your responsibility to 'make it better'.

sobernow · 05/02/2003 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elliott · 05/02/2003 14:16

oh dear, sibling rivalry can run very deep, can't it? Yes, it is her problem and not for you to feel bad about/responsible for - though I am sure it must have its roots in her/dps upbringing. I'm tempted to say it will improve once she has her baby, but since you seem to know her well and don't think so, I guess you are likely to be right! hmmm, should make for interesting gatherings with the grandparents....

Gizmo · 05/02/2003 15:38

I can't believe a grown woman hasn't figured out that it is plain rude to make others suffer for your emotions. Tessie, I think you should rejoice in the fact that, if the parental example is anything to go by, your baby is certain to have better manners than hers!

Still, these competitive siblings things do seem to result in some pretty bad behaviour on both sides. When my DH sister fell pregnant he suggested we go for it too and if I smoked 40 a day throughout the pregnancy, maybe we could beat her to it

bundle · 05/02/2003 15:42

Tessie god help your SIL if she ever needs to ask anyone for advice
your behaviour is normal (confused & hurt); hers isn't.

jasper · 05/02/2003 20:22

Tessie, I am wondering if there is more to her problem with you and your partner than just the fact you were first to have a baby.
Is she jealous of you in other aspects?
Are you richer/live in a bigger house?
DO you have better jobs than her and her partner?
Are you more popular within the family?

I know all this is really superficial but to some people it is a big deal, particularly when you throw family dynamics into the equation.

I agree with the others she is being really childish. If she is pretty young I am sure she will grow up and grow out of this and be ashamed of her behaviour.

Original poster

Tessie · 05/02/2003 21:57

No - she is richer, and they have a better house and jobs - only thing I can think of is that my other half was more popular with his parents. She is 35 by the way....

OP posts:

jasper · 05/02/2003 23:00

so much for my amateur psychology

She sounds plain daft .

Crunchie · 06/02/2003 12:58

It probably is that then Tessie. If a sibling feels another was more popular with their parents it can cause extremes of emotions. I have seen this first hand in our family. My middle bro was the popular one, and my elder bro always felt sidelined and less important/intellegent. The jealousy has always been bad right though their childhood and into adulthood. Even now they are very very competitive, not just physically, but with little comments and digs. My dh finds they are so competitive he is drawn in and even worries about being less able! My brothers are 39 and 36, so you would think they would know better.

Although I cannot condone your SIL attitude, realise it is an issue with her and don't rise. I know you are hurt, but i am sure eventually it might all calm down. You never know but she may have had problems conceiving that you don't know about and it could have really hurt her seeing you pg and with a new baby.

PS she is mad, but it's not your problem!!

tigermoth · 06/02/2003 13:47

Tessie, I agree your sister is being very stupid about this. If sibling rivalry becomes baby rivalry, you'll have to brush off her silly remarks and keep your distance.

But I think it's interesting that your sister is being so up front with her feelings of jealousy. It sounds like she really does want to come to terms with them, but can't. Perhaps she is getting counselling already. It would have been far more childish (and easy) to have denied those feelings and fallen out with you over something else. Underneath, it sounds as if she realises how silly these feelings are to other people, and wants you to understand it's her porblem not yours. Why bother to be honest if not?

Can you ask her if there is anything you can do to help? Probably too difficult to say this, so you will have to keep your distance and hope her new baby will put all this into perspective.

susanmt · 07/02/2003 02:44

Baby rivalry is hard to handle i think. I was lucky - as the oldest and only married member of my family I was expected to produce first but then my brother and his girlfriend obligingly got pg so that was the pressure off us!!
The baby rivalry thing is worse I think. My best friend and her husband were staying with us when I was 6 weeks pg and throwing up all over the place - she guessed and then broke down in tears cos they had been trying for a year. Her ds is only 4 months younger than my dd but she insisted on comparisons - the most hilarious was when we were at theirs when dd was 8 months and her ds 4 months and she looked at them on the floor (my dd sitting up and playing, age appropriate and her ds lying down and smiling, age appropriate and she said 'There's not really any difference between them is there??' I just ignored it. In the end her ds walked before my dd and it was only then that she chilled out about it and we are now good friends about it all again, but it drove me batty for a while. You just have to take it all with a pinch of salt.

pupuce · 07/02/2003 14:04

I would have thought that if your DH is more popular with his parents... she thought she might have been more popular by producing the first grand child.

It is a well know fact (hmm hmm) that grand parents have a soft spot for the first grand child (I was myslef the first grand child on one side of the family and I could do NO wrong - even though I was far from perfect!), my DS is the first in both families and even though my MIL really wanted a grand daughter (which she got next) she told me at X-Mas... "Ha your son is just so precious and so special".... and she adores DD who is even easier to deal with... but he is her first born!

So maybe she thought if she could produce the firt heir, she might become the favourite... I agree wth Tigermoth, at least she is honest about it.... you can't fix it but you can acknowldege it... she will probably one day come around... maybe as others have said when her own is born.... or maybe later

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