Am so unhappy with DP

[GreenUmbrella]

Have been getting on really badly with DP for a while, on and off really since I was pregnant (DS now 16 months old), I felt very let down by DP when DS first born (no emotional support), and though he is an absolutely doting dad, he is incapable of understanding my feelings or needs. We are just on different wavelengths in so many ways. We argue constantly. He drinks far too much, though is never physically abusive. He has real issues which he hasn't really dealt with. He is incapable really of mature communication - his way of dealing with things is to just be moody for days on end, then snap about something trivial when it all comes flooding out, and he inevitably ends up swearing at me then clamming up again. He has told me if it wasn't for our DS we wouldn't be together.

Just don't know what to do. I don't know if I love him any more, and I don't think he loves me. We shouldn't have got together in the first place, we're incompatible. But we now have a gorgeous little boy who we both love more than anything. Practical things come into it too - I gave up a very well paid job and am currently a SAHM. Though he seemed ok with this at the time, he obviously resents it now as we all rely on his earnings alone. If I left, where would I go? What could I do? I just don't want to have to go back to work full-time till our son is at least in pre-school, but can I stay in such an unhappy relationship for financial reasons? I would also love another child, but can't see this happening now, which really upsets me.

Sorry this is so long.

How long have you been together?

Very complicated.

having kids is a terrific strain on any relationship. it's hard to know whether the cause of the tensions are to do with you being new parents.

Ask yourself this question: if you had the chance to go away on your own with your dp, without your ds, would you look forward to being with him or would you dread it?

Been together nearly 7 years, though we were friends for years previously. I feel awful even posting this, like I'm betraying him, but I feel like I can't bury my head in the sand about this any more.

I think everyone goes through this when they have children. My advice would be to ride it out. 16 months is no time at all, and it will get better. Are you getting much sleep? Either of you?
The money thing will also cause tension. It won't be forever though. When your little'un is in school you can go back to work and bring in more money.
Also, don't forget that all your emotional energy is going into that bundle of joy. The needs of you and your partner are no longer a priority, and that's probably why you don't feel the emotional connection you perhaps had at first.
Hope you can work it out.

Good question! Actually I would look forward to it - but the way it is at the moment, I don't think DP would.

I have wondered about whether the problems started when DS was born. Even though he adores him more than anything, DP found it a major shock not to able to just do his own thing any more - definitely think the responsibilities are a bit too grown-up for him to cope with, so the financial reality of being sole breadwinner is a major cause of conflict, particularly as we've had a really expensive year. He said yesterday he didn't want another child because he "wanted to take control of his life again".

Thank you lazarou and kittywise - your posts have already made me feel more positive. Have to give DS dinner but will come back.

greenumbrella, that's a good answer. hooray!!
I have always asked that question of girlfriends who have been going through marital strife. It's a way of deciding whether deep down you still like the man once all the muck has been cleared away.

My mother also has a sensible thought along these lines ( unusually for her)
Ask yourself: When his key turns in the lock in the evening are you glad?

The chances are your probs are caused by the stress and tension of having a kid.
Heaven knows dp and I have had a shit time and it is a constant struggle to maintain our relationship, but I find no matter how much I can hate him and want to leave that if we were to get some time to ourselves, free of children, free of emotional and physical exhaustion, tensions and worries that we would discover what we liked about each other in the first place.

good luck

Some quick thoughts...

Try to get him into a constructive mindset and then have a chat about how you can improve things for each other. He talks for 10 mins uninterrupted and then you do the same. Agree some rules in advance like no accustations, just letting each other understand perspectives, impact of each other actions regardless of intent.......

Then you must each give each other two or three points to work on. Then you catch up in a week and discuss. Both of you are probably harbouring resentment so you should start by acknowledging this. All the way through you must keep acknowledging or trying to understand his perspective but also put yours forward. Avoid attacking the person as oppose to attacking the person's action if that makes sense. So don't say "you are a bad person". Instead you say "what you did was bad" or better yet "what you did had a terrible impact on me"....