"I only did it because WE weren't having s*x" - Opinons please.

[Allyawnedout]

Will try to keep this brief. Have two small dc.

A couple of years ago during a row my H told me that he had slept with a prostitute during the time we had been married. On further questioning it appeared that it had not only been once but quite a few times. On other occasions I have found numbers in his pocket, text messages on his phone and on one memorable occasion actually saw him chatting up two girls just outside our house when coming back from a night out. He would regularly during that time disappear for anywhere up to 5 days, but usually for 2 or 3 days.

I asked him to leave many times but he never would and in the end as he is a good father I decided to make my peace with how he had behaved and let him carrying on living with us.

Recently he has been pressing me to start sleeping with him again and I just can't. Something inside me freezes up, I think I would rather he left than ever sleep with him again. Whenever I try to explain why I can't he starts saying that he only behaved like that because he was so young (23) and we were not sleeping together so what else was he supposed to do. This by the way is utter clap trap. We were not doing it every night but at least once or twice a week even though we have small kids. It only stopped completely after I found very explicit text messages about a year ago and finally had enough.

I am feeling so angry and resentful that his behaviour has just been diminished down to being because "well we weren't doing it", which isn't even true anyway. He says he will never leave his dc and thats fine as long as he keeps that part of his life separate. He told me that it wouldn't happen if I would sleep with him again. But how can I be sure of that? I think if I did start sleeping with him again and he did it again I would go utterly crazy, at the moment I feel in control of my life, if I let him back in then I feel like I am just handing responsibility for my emotional well being back to him. Please tell me what you think. I am not particularly fragile so tell me your opinions even if blunt.

Well Mamazon I told him that this was how it would have to be and he says that he doesnt want that, he is now ready apparently to make a go of it, where he wasnt before hence his shagging anything that moved previously. Unfortunately I have moved past that. It is not that I wouldn't like to make my family work for the sake of my dc etc but I am physically and mentally unable to do so.

I do want my dc to have both parents though if possible. I suppose I just wanted some help in stopping feeling so bloody angry. If he would just stop saying things like "I wasn't getting it at home" blah blah blah I know I could move past it and stop caring so much. For him and me it is finished but it is just the constant self justification that makes me want to howl with frustration.

Thanks for advice tSD. I didn't realise I could do that - ask for alternative housing because of a split I mean. Will ring them today.

Cross posted Mamazon. Your advice on what to say to him when he is going on at me is helpful. You are so right about not keeping on arguing about past events but sometimes you need someone on the ouside to tell you that. Easy to get caught up in it. I don't even really care what he does anymore as long as I don't have to see it. I won't be sleeping with him so it doesn't affect me.

OMG i would've killed him by now - you're a more patient woman than me!

I completely agree with Mamazon. In fact, I wouldn't even engage with him on the subject. Be cool and subjective, he is a twunt of the highest order and once you and the dc are gone he will realise what a complete prat he's been!

He's trying to blackmail you intyo having sex with him. You don't want to have sex with him for very valid reasons.
Kick him out for God's sake - he's a pointless cheating fucker.

Allyawned - your children can still have both parents if you are living apart. You won't stop feeling angry until you stop living with this man, which is why you keep going back to past events. You can't move on properly until you get rid of him.
You are unable to make a new start with him because you have lost all respect for him, and rightly so in my opinion.
Seriously, get rid of him.

Ok, you want constuctive, then if he won't leave you need to.

Hand in your notice to your landlord, tell them you are leaving but H isn't.

Then find youeself a new place to move into with the kids and move.

Why waste your life living with a man you don't even have a proper relationship with? Be proactive and change your life.

Yes, you need to separate from this man. This couple-relationship is toxic. ONce you are living in separate households you can move on with your life and may even be able to regain some friendship with him if he is good with the DC. (WHat I mean is, you can separate XP the good father who the kids love from XP the ex partner who was a bad partner to me: for the sake of the DC this has to be done and it is only do-able when you are living separate lives).

You deserve so much better than this, but I think you know that already. He is trying emotional blackmail to get you to have sex with him - don't give in.

Practically speaking, if he won't move out then you have to - start looking into your options NOW.

He's saying his behaviour was all your fault, and if only you will change then so will he.

He's taking no responsibility for the part he played in your relationship breakdown, and I can see why you wouldn't want him to have a hold over your emotions again.

However, you can't live in limbo. what way do you want things to go? Do you want him

a) To make an effort at repairing your relationship, rebuild your trust etc, so you can move on together;

b) to sod off so you can both go your separate ways?

Are you confused about which you want, or do you know which you want but can't seem to make it happen? (Sorry if being thick and you have already said in above posts).

Why are you even contemplating any kind of future with him? You know it doesn't make sense. Of course leaving isn't easy when you have kids. Staying has to be worse. Go girl!