PILs treating GCs differently - has anyone had it out with their Parents / PILS?

[blueskythinker]

I am so pissed off at the moment. My PILs haven't bothered with my DCs for a couple of months. Any time we have asked for any help in the past, we are made to feel that it is a massive hassle - to the point where we don't ask for help anymore.

My DH has 2 sisters, who have children of similar ages, but slightly older. What really annoys me is that my PILs bend over backwards for them, and look after their kids at a moment's notice, for trivial things, yet when we really really need help (like today when I was due to work and my kids are vomiting everywhere)- it is too much trouble. We all live close to our PILs. I think the underlying issue is that my SILs don't get on with my DH (and me by association) and that my PILs are taking sides - even though we have never discussed the tension with them.

Anyway, I want my DH to ask his parents why they treat our children so unequally. Has anyone any experience of doing this? How did it work out?

MatNanPlus - yes, you've hit the nail on the head. My DH was favoured over his older brother very blatantly by his parents (mother in particular). Now she massively favours our DS1 over BIL's three DC, even though they are older than our DSs. It is hugely embarrassing for DH who still feels terribly guilty for the way his brother was treated as a child (even though it wasn't his fault - he was a child too). He is constantly chasing around telling his mum to take pics of the other children when she has her camera lens stuck to our DS1 like glue etc etc. It's awful because it colours everyone's relationships. My DH is very sad that he and his brother are not as close and friendly as they could otherwise have been. And although we are always making huge efforts to see BIL and family, they definitely hold us at arm's length. It's such a shame cos I really like them and their kids are lovely. Luckily we all live quite far apart from each other, so it's not manifested too obviously - everyone is aware of it though.

It's funny (as in ironic, not amusing), because my MIL was, as the only girl amongst 3 boys, treated really badly by her mother. She always made a massive issue to her kids when they were growing up that she would always treat them equally.

I have a boy & a girl - 1 & 3.

I know it is not a pleasant thing to ask to step in to look after 2 vomitting children, but they do it for the other GC (I have had to endure graphic descriptions of the contents of their stomachs). I also wasn't asking for them to look after my kids for the whole day - just for 2 hours to enable me to get to work, explain to my boss, and collect some work so I could mumsnet do it at home this afternoon.

Believe me - I am not remotely fussy about how my DC are looked after - so long as they come back in one piece, I am happy (and gushingly grateful).

As Keevamum said, I am really interested to see if anyone has managed to resolve a situation like this, or do you just become resigned to it / withdraw contact. I suppose the danger is that if we confront the PILs, they will deny it happens (actually, I know they will). The potential is that we give them the ammunition and justification to continue what they are doing.

I have 5 dc all were born before my sil 2 dc .
It astounds me that our dc and sil dc are treated so diffrently.
My fil is also dp stepdad and sil said to me that fil is bound to treat her sons more because they are his real grandsons ,taking in mind this man has brought my dp up since he was 3.
It has affected realtionships so much we hardly have any contact with his side of the family anymore .
Just last xmas they pleaded poverty and said that they couldn't afford much (which we didn't mind) what I did mind was two months later when I saw some photos that had been posted on sil's fb of xmas day at nannys and her two ds's had almost 200.00 of gifts from nanny and grandad .
We have pulled his mum up on it when she didn't ring dd up on her bday and she said we were talking rubbish and that it was hard for her to visit ,fwiw we live 10 mins away and sil lives 25 mins away and gets a visit most days .
We have basically given up on them which is sad because her ds's are very sweet I just hate to see my dc treated second rate .

DH has had to have it out with his mum regarding his DD. I think her having divorced parents does not help. But it has caused major rift between his DB and SIL and their mum. He went very gently with it, explaining his reasoning. His mum listened, but then just does as she wants. She made it clear to DH that it is her life and she will do with it what she will. If that includes trying to be a mother to his DD rather than grandparent and spoiling her rotten, and letting her xDIL take advantage of that fact, then it's up to her.

So yes, your DH can have a discussion about how you feel, but try not to get your hopes up and expect them to listen or change. It's sometimes easier, in fact it is, to just let them do what they want, and shelter your children from it somewhat, by limiting contact, and not relying on them, that way it reduces your disappointment.

Sorry Mat

I thought Bold lettering me was like shouting at me

Update

My DH spoke to my MIL on Saturday. He told her that whilst he understood her not being able to help on Friday, he was disappointed that there was such a disparity between the amount of time she spent with the other GCs and our DC.

Of course, she denied it, but to his credit, he persisted and when she claimed that she hardly ever saw the other GCs, he told her that our BIL had told us of the arrangements where she looked after 2 of the others for 2.5 days a week whilst their nanny was on mat leave. She went pretty silent after that - I think she maybe hoped we hadn't known about it .

Well she said she would be happy to hep in future, and offered to help out today. As it happened, my DS still isn't well, so we sent him round to Granny's for the day.

I think she actually enjoyed seeing my DS for the day (wasn't vomitting, just a temp and out of sorts), and am hopeful that she will take the discussion on board. Even if she doesn't, I am glad that my DH addressed the issue with her, because otherwise I would have just simmered with resentment.

Here's hoping