In-laws not offering to help

[SueMunch]

I'm not sure if anyone else is in this situation, but my DH's parents live half a mile away. His father is retired and his mother works mornings but has every afternoon free.

It is now the fourth week of the school holidays and they have not once offered to take their grandchildren out for even an hour.

My children are aged 3 & 5 and whilst they are well behaved, I can never get anything done around the house so a break would really help me.

Whilst I don't expect their help and perhaps shouldn't, I find it very upsetting. To put it into perspective, my own mother lives alone, works four days a week and cannot wait to look after our children on her days off. She also has them overnight, something my inlaws never do.

My DH is equally annoyed with them and often says that they are lucky to live so close.

Has anybody got any ideas on how I can get them to be more involved without causing an argument?

It might not be their loss though. If you find young children hard work, and many older people do, then they amy feel they'd be losing quality of life if they spent more time with their children.
My dad, for instance finds young children tiring. He's on his own and though he's great with my 12 year old and has taken him on holiday my sister wouldn't ask him to look after her preschool kids regularly as he'd hate it.
Sitting in the park watching kids on swings and pushing them endlessly really isn't that exciting.
I don't think you can write them off as uninterested just because they haven't offered though. They may think you don't want them to help. Phoning and asking if they'd like to take them out may be a good idea.
My grandparents all lived hours away and my parents and inlaws also live hours away so I've never considered regular babysitting a normal part of being a grandparent.
People who had nearby involved grandparents view the role of grandparents differently.

I agree that it is their loss. My MIL has never made any effort to be involved in my childrens' lives, despite my Dh and I almost begging her to spend time with them, rather than money on them! Unlike mi BILs, we have never used her as a free babysitting service and indeed, when we have asked, there has usually been an excuse. Even the day DS" was born, she couldn't possibly have DS1 because she had a hair appointment booked!
She lives a five minute drive away, is fit and healthy, sees all her other GC at least weekly, yet has not seen our children in over a year! She makes a special effort to come and deliver their birthday cards personally.... pushing them through the door at midnight and literally running back to her car as fast as she can. Is it any wonder that now they are 17 and 19 they have no interest in her at all? They both love spending time with my mum and make the effort to see her at least weekly, without us having to nag them. Whenever anything good happens in their lives, they tell me not to tell MIL, their reason is that she doesn't care enough about them to be interested the rest of the time, so why waste a phone call telling her when something good happens. My eldest has just got his A level results. Guess who hasn't even bothered to phone to find out how he did? ( Especially as she knows he has been very ill this year and at one stage, we didn't even think he'd be able to take them) Guess who also didn't even send dh ( her son) and me a silver wedding card earlier this month?
TBH, if your ils are anything like my MIL, your children will be better off without. I just feel sorry for her because I can see what she is missing out on.
I do agree that it is upsetting when GPs don't appear to have any interest in their GC, but ultimately, they are the losers. As they say, What goes around comes around.

I agree that it's their loss.
My PIL live 10 min car journey away, both do not work, and very rarely see DD....They moan about this too??? I am sick to the back teeth of telling them to pop round when ever they like. I don't really need help, i would just like my DD to grow up close to all her GP. She see mine on a daily basis

suemunch, do they definately know it's the school hols? my fil only retired from teaching 2 years ago and has already forgotton about school hols.
Why don't you invite your mil to go to park with you one afternoon and make a few hints while ur there?

If you want help then ask, it probaby hasm't occured to them to have your children and they are probably enjolying the break tbh.

DOn't forget though that you CHOOSE to get have children and get up at 5am and they CHOOSE to watch TV in the afternoons. Just ebcause they choose differently to you doesn't mean they care any less

Perhaps they don't want to be seeming to interfere, and are waiting to be invited to spend some time with their grandchildren.

If you want their help, ask for it.

if they dont want to be invovled why kajole them into it?

they have dont their bit - why not look at it this way

you are lucky to have a mum who is so interested

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LOL Cappuccino - With you on that one. I dread having to go to the swings. I can understand why the OP feels a bit abandoned but people lead their own lives. My mum died, my dad is an alcoholic and I've only met my MIL (who is quite elderly) once. My daughter is 4.5 and in all her life, no-one has ever, ever offered to look after her for a couple of hours so I can have some peace and quiet. Even my DH has only actually taken her out somewhere on about 5 occasions. (He is a complete lazy arse at the weekend - he plays with her a lot but cannot be bothered to go out unless I organise something) It does piss me off from time to time.

I am in the 'it's their loss' group but have to stress that you cannot possibly expect your In laws to want things just because you would. Some grandparents are just not interested.
My DH raised this with his parents just before our DD was born, as they were so disinterested in our two DS's.
the result of that was that they never have seen DD and she will soon be six.
It was hard for my DS1 as he was 9 when they stopped all contact but I still think we are ultimately better off - sad as that is.

You should be aware though that pushing for what you think is more appropraite contact can just make things worse.

PS - it always makes me laugh to have to explain this bit but they are both teachers. Never sure if that makes their being disinterested in their only grandchildren astonishing or understandable

I'm not quite clear whether you have actually asked them, or not?

Some people do wait to be asked - and i thnk it is perfectly OK to ask friends and family members whether they would lok after your children a bit, from time to time. They may say no, or squirm out of it, of cours, but asking shouldn't be a poblem.

I don't think it is unreasonable to be a bit sad, either, that gps appear uninterested - 'their los' may have t be the ultimate position - but that doesn't mak it an ideal starting point..

What if you said 'oh DCs were saying they would like to do such and such - would you like to take them' or 'it would be a treat f the DCs to have an outing with you', or even 'I really need a favour - is there any chance you could have them fo an afternoon?'?.

No obligation, of course, but if you can't ask family, who can you ask??

Portofino, your post made me feel sad. I am sorry no one has offered t help you, I know how important it is to get a break.
Do you live in London? Would be happy to help you out if you do.

Im afraid they are Grandparents. not free childcare.

teh idea is that they are able to help as often as THEY FEEL FIT. not when you have decided you want a break.

Why do people feel that just becasue a family member is close by they should give up their free time to come take care of someone else's children?

they are your's, yes holidays are hard work at times but you know what...Tuff titties. get on with it the way everyone else does.

and as for "they are lucky they live close by" WTF!

Your choice to have the kids in the first place, their prerogativeas to whether to offer to help out. I lived abroad when mine were that sort of age ands even now pil's ar eover an horu away , dm 3 hours away - you cope, you work around them to get things done (even if standards slip inthe holidays)and no you don't get a break - sorry that's is mtoherhood. If your dh feels that strongly he should ask them straight.

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Thanks Charliegal - I'm nowhere near London though...I didn't mean to sound so sorry for myself. I'm fine really - me and DH have kind have got on with it and now DD is at school so things are quite easy. It did used to bother me a lot bit when she was little that I didn't really have any support other than DH. At the time my friends were all childless and not that interested in discussing birth and nappies etc so I can understand how frustrating it must be to have family THAT close and them be seemingly not very interested....

Thought I'd add this to see what people think.

It is now week 5 of the holiday and I thought maybe I was heading for a breakthough. My MIL has a friend over today who sometimes brings her grandson over to play with my kids.

I thought we might be going out for the day and that finally my MIL was taking some interest.

This morning I get a phome call from MIL asking if it is okay to drop the grandson off with me at home.

So again, no involvement from the MIL and I am left with another (albeit lovely) child to entertain whilst she goes out to lunch.

I think tis is the final straw and my DH will have to have words with them.

I think it is a good idea for DH to speak to them. Maybe they don't offer because they think they might be "treading on your toes"? Perhaps they got no help with little ones and think it is normal? Maybe her MIL was an interfering old bat and doesn't want to be like that?

Communication is key and they are not mind readers.

Did you suggest you all went out ?

Suemunch - did you say yes to your MIL then

Thanks CrackFox, but whilst I see what you mean I think it is just common sense. Maybe I will have to sit them down and spell it out to them.

If they take offence it won't really matter as they cannot exactly withdraw their support can they?

It might be a case of them simply waiting to be asked but I have heard her talk about how she had no help and had to rely on neighbours and friends when they were bringing up their kids so I thought they would empathise.

I think its time to clear the air.

F what these people are saying your mother in law should offer to help after all you take care of her son and her grand kids are and rushed of your feet as a mother your job never ends you can never get anything done because theres always something that needs doing take it from a mother of 2 I have a 1 year old and 3 year old no parents or family myself and my other in law is useless has never once had my kids even when I asked people do see you struggling and dont help because they are to lazy to I feel for you the replies you got are so fucked up clearing these people have so empathy and have no clue what it's like been in your shoes your mother in law should definitely be there to lend a helping hand even if it's for a hour or so

OPs children will be grown ups now, thread is from 2008 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️

They are retirement age or nearly there and still working and your children are young and at a very hands on age. Are you really unable to put yourself in their shoes and see that they may not be able to manage them on top of what they already do?

Seems to me that MIL doesn't want to babysit. It's clear from wanting to drop the other child to you she's not big on looking after children.

Maybe she considers her childrearing days were done once her son was an adult. That's a valid choice. She had no help when she was younger, so she's making up for lost time by doing what she wants now.

May not be the conventional stance for a granny, but I don't think it's a case of waiting to be asked. I think it's a case of she doesn't want to.

And it's really not her responsibility to give you a break. It would be nice, but it's not something she owes you.