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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I hate sex with my DH - he cannot cope with this. Is my marriage over? HELP

25 replies

PammyWammy · 14/08/2008 19:01

Please, anybody, I need advice because I am going out of my mind. I met my DH 11 years ago and I fell in love with him because he made me laugh and made me feel special. I was 33 at the time and never been married before. We married a year after we met but I always had a bell ringing in my head telling me this could be a mistake because I didn't physically fancy him. Silly me thought this problem would go away. Now 10 years married, I hate sex. I cannot stand him touching me or even kissing me. I told him 3 days ago that I couldn't pretend anymore and that I couldn't be physical anymore. I felt that I was being raped ... that is how bad it had become. DH immediately went into himself and started staying up late and drinking heavily. He wants us to get "help" from a counsellor or someone but I know I never want sex again with him. This is destroying him and I know I shouldn't have married him in the first place because of this reason. Over the years, I have agreed to sex etc just to keep him happy. He knows I don't enjoy it but if I say "no" more than two times, he gets in a bad mood. If I dare to say no more than 3 times, it ends up in an exploading row and the atmosphere at home is unbearable. We have two little children, aged 6 and 3. Is my marriage over?

OP posts:

jaanpa · 14/08/2008 19:10

Sorry to be harsh, but if you are determined not to go for the help he suggests, then , yes, it sounds very much as if you marriage is over. Like it or not, sex is an important part of a relationship and unless both of you are happy to live in a sexless marriage, I don't think it is fair to expect one partner to just because the other one prefers not to have a physical relationship. Yes, it is your right to say yes or no, but he also has a right to have his needs considered. If you are adamant that you will not even try to get help,you have to be fair to all of you and that probably means ending the marriage. Sorry.

zippitippitoes · 14/08/2008 19:12

i think that sadly you made a mistake and yes it is over because you don't want sex and he clearly does

Notquitegrownup · 14/08/2008 19:16

Can I just say that you don't need to be afraid of a counsellor? Their job is to help you to clarify how you feel, not try to persuade you to feel something you do not. It may help your dh to come to terms with how you feel, and what will follow, if he hears you explain your feelings to a counsellor. And even if it doesn't make it easier for him, or you, you will have the peace of mind that you did everything you could to talk about this as grown ups. After all, you still need to communicate with two children to share.

Dior · 14/08/2008 19:18

Message withdrawn

piratecat · 14/08/2008 19:21

you have never fancied your husband, you married him at 33 becuase he made you feel other things, special and that. I htnk he deserves to be in a relationship where he is wanted that way.

Its a sad situation.

Minkychunky · 14/08/2008 19:24

I can't believe you said that to him. Poor bloke

Irisheyes78 · 14/08/2008 20:28

Why on nearth did you marry him??

Yes your marriage is over.

Feel a bit sorry for him.

As for feeling like you were raped, you gave your consent I assume? Rape victims don't.

Heated · 14/08/2008 20:38

This is very sad for you both. If you do want the marriage to survive you need to seek counselling. Or it could give you the 'permission' to let this marriage go. Otherwise I can see your dh instigating divorce and/or looking elsewhere for love, sex and affection.

relateor here

Heated · 14/08/2008 20:39

sorry, relate

Trafficcone · 14/08/2008 20:43

God that poor man. To say all that to him and then refuse to go for help? He deserves alot better.

Dior · 14/08/2008 21:40

Message withdrawn

GrinningGorilla · 14/08/2008 21:46

People have relationships without sex. What about people who stayed married when one becomes severely disabled and is unable to have sex? Sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship. But it does depend on how you cope with a sexless marriage. If it comes through mutual agreement then fine, but if one of you wants and the other doesn't then........

At least you have been honest, it is horrible feeling that you have to have sex with someone to keep the status quo, at least you don't need to do that anymore.

Do you still want to stay in the relationship? How would you feel if your hubby got his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere but things at home remained?

jaanpa · 16/08/2008 13:55

I don't see how this relationship can continue. PW has said some very hurtful things to her poor husband and has said she will not seek any help. I don't think it would be practical for the husband to get his sexual needs fulfilled elswhere, whilst continuing the marriage. He, just as much as her, deserves to love and to be loved.What if he finds someone outside the marriage and ends up falling in love with that person? How can he continue to live in a marriage with someone who has told him she feels as though she has been raped by him? It sounds to me that she doesn't love him and should therefore allow him the freedom to find love. She may also find someone else. Whatever happens, she has to be fair to him and the children and aginst all my instincts to work at a marriage, I really do think this one needs to end!

barnsleybelle · 16/08/2008 14:09

Did you have an enjoyable and active sex life with any partners before your husband??

I think you are very lucky to have a partner who wants to seek help together and surely it's got to be worth a try. Of course if you are hoping the lack of sexual interest on your part will mean the end of your marriage then that's a different story. If you love your dh and wish you felt differently then i would exhaust every possible avenue before ending the marriage.

knockedup · 16/08/2008 16:39

I think at 33 what was more on your mind was having children rather than a long life of fulfilling sex. You could have just stayed single and shagged about let's face it!

You've been married 10 years....that's great, you've got 2 gorgeous children. You're in a position alot of single women in their mid thirties would kill to be in...except there's one problem, you've totally gone off sex and you don't really fancy your husband anymore. You're hardly the first.

I think you using the term rape is actually you just describing how terribly difficult you find sex at the moment - it doesn't mean you actually think you're being raped.

I would go for the counselling though. For the sake of your children's happiness, your DH's and yours - it really cannot make things worse.

dropinthe · 16/08/2008 16:42

I agree with knockedup-if you are seeing sex as rape then there are underlying issues here that need proffessional help and could in fact be nothing to do with your husband but were firmly in place BEFORE you even got with him. What was sex like with previous people?

dropinthe · 16/08/2008 16:44

And have you had you Thyroid checked? Zero libido can be affected by an underactive Thyroid-I have been there and bought the video!!!!

Lauriefairycake · 16/08/2008 16:48

sorry i haven't much time to post more but consider the following q's

If you love him that is probably why you can't have sex/fancy him - look at why that is for you. It's very common in clients I have that on a deep level they don't equate love with sex and can't do it with the man they love or once loved. Perhaps an intimacy issue? Marrying someone who loves you, makes you feel special, makes you laugh can be very uncomfortable.

You have pretended to have sex with him and pretended you liked it (I presume) for a long time, no wonder you feel you are being raped and hate it. Time to stop pretending and being honest with yourself and him. Give yourself permission to not have sex for a while instead of faking it. Find out who you both are in this relationship and get some help. Once you give yourself permission to not fuck you might give yourself permission to love each other and be intimate. Get some therapy - you both deserve it

and be very, very kind to yourself and each other

girlnextdoor · 16/08/2008 17:05

If you have NEVER found him physically attractive, I doubt very much that you will now after 11 years together.

Maybe you should tell hi m the truth andlet him decide- can he cope witha no-sex marriage- or do you need to split up.

The other opption is that by talking you might become closer and want sex- but there has to be a sprak- and if it has never been there, the outlook is not good, imo.

Alfreda · 16/08/2008 18:58

Your marriage is over if you won't get help, yes. These things can be worked at though, and what have you got to lose, since you are ready to give it all away anyway?

I don't buy the biological clock implication if you were married for three years (it seems) before getting pregnant. What was it like in those years? Did you have fun? Was the sex such an issue?

Losing your marriage this way, leaving your husband feeling unloved, unwanted and betrayed leaves your children with two warring parents who may never be able to be friends. All 4 of you in the family have a lot to lose. So why the barrier to exploring help? Do you have issues with sex per se? Or have you just made up your mind it's over and just taken several years to get around to telling him, when at the end of your tether?

I think that, having been brutally honest with your husband, it is vital that you are honest with yourself. Walk away without really understanding this, and you will make mistakes again.

I hope the above doesn't come over as unsympathetic: clearly you are distressed, and I hope that whatever resolution you reach, it's the right one for all of you. Good luck.

lisad123 · 16/08/2008 23:52

sex isnt the main thing holding a relationship together. BUT I do think you have said some terrible things, and i think if i told my hubby that I felt like i was being raped everytime we had sex he would be very hurt/upset. You should consider getting some help, or if not leave him. Its not fair. Put yourselve in his shoes, how would you feel to be told your not sexually attratched to your OH.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/08/2008 20:13

Mm... "He knows I don't enjoy it but if I say "no" more than two times, he gets in a bad mood. If I dare to say no more than 3 times, it ends up in an exploading row and the atmosphere at home is unbearable."... I'm not quite as sorry for the OP's H as some of you. It may not be rape but it's emotional blackmail. That's hardly how to encourage a woman to want intimacy. There are more issues here than meets the eye.

Personally I'm a great believer in counselling, if you can find the right counsellor, but it's a waste of time if both parties aren't committed to it going anywhere.

As a side comment, but not perhaps totally irrelevant?, it's funny how many men aren't interested in relationship counselling until they realise that things are on a terminal path. I remember once saying we needed counselling as we didn't seem able to talk on the same wavelength, and XH said our marriage would be over the day I stepped into one of those places and started "talking to strangers about us". Later, when I told him our marriage really was over, he screamed "Relate" before you could blink an eye.

gingerninja · 17/08/2008 20:19

Sounds like the end of the end. Imagine it the other way around though, your DH who you love telling you that he hates you anywhere near him, that you repulse him and that he'd rather have sex with a prostitute. I think i'd flip too. The man needs some help. I doubt any amount of marriage guidance is going to mend a marriage that has been destoying itself this long.

smallwhitecat · 17/08/2008 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Inhibited · 18/08/2008 16:37

Hi Penny

I had to post as I am in the same position, got together, had kids and finally married hubby without any real physical attraction. I managed to have sex for years by having sexual fantasies.

But something has changed in me and I am unable to do that any more, now we get on fine until we go to bed and I feel the weight of his wants. He is trying really hard to be respectful but how do you turn around and say I don't want to have sex and actually never fancied you. I don't like the way he kisses me, the way he touches me, his smell or even the things he says to me during sex.

I am not buying into the poor DH argument, yes it is unfortunate we are in this situation but certainly my DH was not unaware of the situation when we got together. He wanted a surrogate mother and I wanted to be useful - now I have kids of my own and I want something different.

It might be that my marriage is over. The thought of RELATE petrifies me because I think then I and him will have to come to terms with the reliaty of our situation. I just want to wave a magic wand and for the whole nasty mess to disapear.

Its almost like I want him to realise that it is not going to work long-term so that we can then plan a harminous seperation where we can support our kids.

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