If your dad left you when you were young, is there anything you can suggest to say to our kids who are being treated similarly? Inspired by 'how does he sleep at night thread'

[piratecat]

I totally empathise with the poster, who inspired me to do this thread. Both my parents met other people, and both did the abandoning bit to me and my sister, albeit mentally with one and phsically for a time with another.

The feelings it can imprint on you as not feeling worthy person, are immense obviously.

Yet even tho I have experienced rejection from my parents, i find I can't think of ways to make it better for my dd.

Lots of lone parents on here, want to be able to make life easier for thier kids.

So as an adult now, do you have any advice, on how I and others can explain thier useless fathers' behaviour.

This is a really good thread - my father left when I was around 10 - dont remember much of life prior to that - must of blocked it out - my mother was and still is a superstar in my eyes.

My dp has daily contact with our dcs but he behaviour the things he says etc often upsets me and I think its because i so want my kids to have a father because I didnt.

I think all you can do as a mother is love your kids and try to guide them - most kids will come to understand what their parents are like as they get older and I think the best way to do that is not to slag the dad off but let them realise on their own - good luck to all of you with useless men

This is an excellent thread, a very important subject imo. But Canofworms, omg I am horrified at what your mum put you through

Carmenere,

Yeah I suppose it does sound awful. But what i was trying to get at was that life must have been shit for my mum at the time - her mum died just after and because we had all lived together in this enormous house she couldn't afford to run it on her own so we had to move as well.

In all, she had a lot of issues going on in her own head - I just wish she'd handled us kids a bit better iyswim.

my dad left (well was thrown out for his cheating and beating ways!) when I was 4 and my sister was a baby. we saw him most weekends until him and his new wife moved away and had kids of their own. He was a liar - would tell me that he couldnt pick us up at the weekend because he had a flat tyre - which as a kid you think is ok but as an adult WHY would a flat tyre stop you seeing your kids for a whole weekend???!!
Also didnt see why he should pay any money for our upkeep and thought £15 a week was enough (even though he had his own business, property abroad - and I have since found out - horses!!!)

Anyway crappy dad aside my mum was an absolute star in that she made sure we always had everything we needed money wise (even going without food herself some days to save for Christmas presents) but most importantly she always made it clear to us that she would never ever leave us and that she would always be there (like other posters I also had real anxiety about being left) even after she re-married she always made sure we felt part of the family.
on the downside though she did slag my dad off which I wish she hadnt. I decided on my own that he was a t**t. When I was a kid I wanted to believe his lies and feel like he loved me and her calling him names and saying what a bad father he was just made me feel torn.
I think if me and my DH split up - no matter how hard it might be I never want my DD to think she cant see her father when she wants/ cant talk about him. I would want her to know that its ok for her to love him because he loves her. Also I wouldnt want her to feel awkward about us being at events together (school play or birthday parties) because at the end of the day the breakdown in the adult relationship is the adults problem. Also if the father is crappy then it wont take the child long ot figure that out for themselves!!

Thank you so much for this thread everyone that has posted. My DH left this morning and I have no idea what I or hopefully we are going to say to the kids. Fortunately he is away a lot and I dont think they will notice if he doesnt come back for a few days. Please keep posting, I could do with all the inspiration I can get

i need to catchu8p on this was ill yesterday after i posted.

just keeping it bumped too.