How does he sleep at night? And will I ever come to terms with this?

[ButIForgetMyself]

I saw my Dad yesterday at a funeral for the first time in ages. He knew nothing about me. He was a stranger. It has brought everything to the surface again and I can't get it out of my head, didn't sleep last night, been feeling like shit all day.

He left my Mum, my younger brother and I in 1980 when I was 6 because he was having it off with some 18 year old who he then married and had three new kids with.

He turned up one day at our house when I was about 9 and said he couldn't have us round for weekends anymore as his new wife couldn't cope with their new kids and us.

His new wife then went about her life quite happily, denying that my Dad had had a family before she came along. Basically, they erased us.

We ended up first in a rented two bedroomed flat, then we got a council house. We struggled like mad. We never went abroad. We had free school meals. My Mum couldn't even afford to buy me a My Little Pony.

In the meantime, my Dad's business took off and we watched him move from detached house to bigger detached house, taking his new kids on holidays to Florida and caravans in theme parks and driving round in BMWs and Mercs. Meanwhile he paid my Mum £17 maintenance a week.

I am now 35 years old and expecting my first baby. It makes me understand even less how somebody could just abandon their children and start all over again. It makes me wonder what we did so wrong that he and his wife couldn't bring themselves to see us one weekend a fortnight. And it makes me wonder why I didn't even receive a birthday card for the last 25 years.

No wonder my brother changed his surname by deed poll.

I don't know how I can get closure on this. It's still doing my head in, even after all these years.

There was absolutely nothing you did wrong...you were only Kids with no voice in the adult world.
My Father is of similar calibre to your Dad, and there is no love lost between us...I don't think I would even be bothered to much if I heard that he died....he is a stranger to me, that decided to be little involved in my life.
Tbh, what hurt me far more was, that the man my mother married when I was 10 years old, the man that I became to think of as Dad, the man that I chose to give me away on my wedding day, could just so easily forget about us, and cut us out of his life when him and my mum split up a few month after I got married.
Some men just are weird, and seem to be unable to build true attachments, hohum!

The thing is, your Dad probably won't even waste a moment thinking of what he has done to his old family....but, you know what, he probaby will get his comeuppance eventually.

I'm so sad for you. I don't have personal experience of this, but I know my mum did. Her dad left when she was 6 months old. She apparently always wanted to meet him, and did when she was 16. After she had my older sister, she cut of contact, because she decided that she didn't want him involved in her children's lives. She did the right thing. Some people are just arseholes unfortunately,but it sounds like you have turned out all right, and thats no thanks to him, but a great credit to your mum. Dp doesn't speak to his dad for similar reasons, although his parents split up much later on than yours did. I have never met his dad, and he doesn't know he's about to become a grandad. All because he puts his second wife before his kids. None of his four children speak to him.

Why not go and see him?...tell him how he has made you feel and if his wife is there ask her too how she could encourage him to dump his family.....?

I feel for you I have no experience of this situation but if it will make you feel better then write him a letter too bad if it upsets him. When his wife calls perhaps you could mention to her that you were more than a little upset to be abandoned by your father when you were a child and that if he needs to discuss it he should try to become a man and talk to you himself rather than through her.

Regarding the half siblings this is difficult you could have a good relationship with them but maybe in time - expecting a baby does make you reassess your life and perhaps you are feeling a little too emotional to deal with them at the moment. You could say "I appreciate none of this is your fault but I am struggling to deal with the fact that my father rejected me but stayed around to raise you"

I find myself thinking up reasons that he could have just cut us off.

1. I never truly discovered what happened before my Dad had his affair - apparently there was some rumour that my Mum had been seeing someone else, I don't know if that's true, of course she would never admit if it was, but she did have affairs later when she was with her partner of 18 years (who died recently). NOT that this is an excuse for my Dad not wanting to see us.

1. There WAS quite a lot of bad-mouthing of my Dad coming from my Mum after he left - about how horid his new wife was, about what a bad man he was - so it got to the point where I was actually quite put off going round for the weekend visits, to the point I would cry and cling on to my Mum's legs when my Dad turned up. I don't remember actually being a naughty child when I was there, but the handover times were never easy. I was a very "sensitive" child.

1. My Mum met another man when I was 10 and had another child and remarried. This man was a psycho - physically abused all of us and sexually abused me (not to the point of rape, thank God, but bad enough), but that's another story. Anyway, one time my Dad sent me some money as a birthday present and my steppsycho decided that "we don't need his fucking charity" and I should give it back. I never - but I don't know what went on "behind the scenes" and if my steppsycho actually threatened him or something. My Mum and him split when I was 14, after a particularly violent alcohol-fuelled outburst on Christmas Day - we moved the entire contents of the house out while he was at work and went into a B&B until we were rehoused.

My Dad was certainly out of the picture while this abuse was going on, and then when we got away my Mum contacted him with a view to re-establishing contact, but he never got back in touch.

I'm just saying, I don't know the full story, and there may have been stuff going on that I don't know about. However, this is still not an excuse for disappearing off the face of the earth.

I think in that case you might do really need closure, and talking to him directly, to see his side, might be the best way to find out what was going on.

Your mum does not sound to be completely guiltfree in all this, does she ?

Must admit, my mum never stopped my Dad from seeing me, and never ever badmouthed him....well...not until I was an adult and wanted some fcts...but by then, I was able to make my own mind up....and I happen to agree with her opinion. But that is obviously a completely different situation to the one you are finding yourself in.

And really sorry about the abuse you had to suffer

I think it sounds like contct may have been difficultto keep up, not impossible by any means, but difficult. Just this one reason may have been enough (with heavy persuasion from new wife) to ake the easy route and stop contact....

It's no reflection on you whatsoever..it's a reflection on him.

I would go and speak to him, just to pt your mind at rest.

I think she felt quite bitter about it all, and still does - he has always been and will forever be referred to by her as "your father" with the tone of voice you'd put on for a child killer. She did struggle, on her own on benefits with two young kids though, so it's understandable that she feels like she lost out. I just didn't feel the "support" coming from her really, especially now that I read the other thread.

Just makes me more determined not to make the same mistakes...

Hi butiforget, there is clearly a lot of background which you are not privy to between your mother and father and which you cannot to the bottom of because your mother will not talk about it.

It makes it even sadder that you should end up bearing the burden of all these unresolved issues on your shoulders. This is not your fight. So you will never be able to resolve it on your own.

And trying to speak to your mother would require her to admit to you and ultimately herself, how her possibly less-than-exemplary behaviour (we don't know) with your father and other men has had a devastating effect on her marriage and her dcs' psyche. She might very well turn on you rather than admit it, which is one price of your getting some closure as to why your father avoids contact with you.

Does your mother know you are hurting? Or can you not bring yourself to tell her?

I would never turn up - for one thing, he's moved about 70 miles away and left me no address - though I could find it out from one of his kids. I think a letter would be better - though where I start I really don't know! Less chance of becoming emotional or feeling awkward.

PArt of me just wants to let it go though and concentrate on my own lovely DP and bump.

It might even help to write letters to him and his second wife which you don't actually send, but which let you set down on paper all your rage and hurt. You could even have a ceremonial bonfire in which you burn the letters - I've done it in the past and it's quite a powerful thing to do, if it appeals to you.

Your father sounds like a very weak man, to allow his new wife to dictate his relationship with his older children.

You have every right to feel hurt and bitter, but you can also decide that he is not going to ruin the rest of your life and that you are a better person than he will ever be.

I wouldn't waste another moment dwelling on something that has already caused you a lot of pain. Let it go. I think it's the only way you can properly move on from something like this.

ButIForgetMyself....of course it was hard for her...however....it shouldn't have been played out in front of you...iykwim.

I really do appreciate that my mum never made nasty references, etc...about my dad infront of me....

His visits were rare (and as for the money he should have paid....well....lets just say he owes her many thausends of pounds worth).....but, when he did came round she would give us the space we needed, etc...! When I was younger I had no idea what her feelings were towards him....afterall, they were her feelings and should not tarnish what I feel, iykwim....
Believe me, my mum was bitter...now I know....whilst he was driving around in his mercedes, building one house after the next, etc....whilst she was on benefits...and she had already been through one divorce and being a single mum to my sister, before she met him.....but, well...my fatehr was not a nice person...and in the long run she was better of without him....god knows how many halfsiblings I have from his side....iykwim...

ButIforget, do your half siblings have any contact (ie email) with you apart from facebook.

hi butiforget -really sorry started another thread about deadbeat dads before I saw yours. Have a very similar story to you (my dad dropped out of my life when I was 15) including the contact from my half siblings via facebook (I decided to delete them as they were too hard to see)
I am still really angry and bitter about it all and toy with the idea of a letter to tell him how I feel (same as you my 1st baby is what really dragged it all up for me)but then I think - why bother? He wont care - he obviously doesnt hold himself responsible for anything! Once your baby arrives you will find it even harder to understand him but also you will realise there is clearly something wrong with him that he can do that to his kids. Also it really is his loss. He has missed out on you and your brother and now his grandchild.

I think that given that story I would write to him. It sounds as though your mum and stepfather didn't make it easy for your dad to keep in touch. My husband's ex used to stop his daughter coming if she showed the slightest sign of not wanting to come and tried very hard to exclude him and push her new man as "your real father who's here for you not like your biological father who abandoned us". My husband loves his kids, he just didn't want to live with his ex. Many women won't accept this and push the "abandoned us" thing rather than admitting the man would love to have taken his kids but couldn't.
The book "Divorce poison" is good in showing the way many residential parents do turn the children against the nonresident parent.
Your dad may have just given up after an exhausting battle thinking it was in your interests not to be forced to see him if you didn't want to.
It sounds as though you've never really heard his side of the story and as though your mum and stepdad didn't prioritise your relationship with your dad.

Oscar Wilde wrote,
"Children begin by loving their parents.
After a time they judge them.
Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."

I found the same kind of feelings dragged up in me when I was pregnant.

My mum and biological father separated when I was very young, I do not remember him. My mum remarried and although she made an effort to remain contacted, he did not seem to want to know. The last contact I remember (very vaguely) is him getting me a present for my 4th or 5th birthday.

My "step" father is a wonderful man, but I struggled growing up, wondering why my own father didn't want me, thinking that I must have done something wrong for him to bale.

I learnt more as I was growing up. I leant that he was violent, my older sister remembers being picked up by her hair. I learnt that he had affairs. Several.

I know my mum did the best thing in the world by leaving him, I grew up in a loving home, with a lovely new dad.

When I was 18, my grandfather died (on biological fathers side). I didn't want to go to the funeral because I didn't want to face seeing my biological father (also didn't want to face up to granddad being gone, but that is another story). I went, and there was no contact whatsoever between us. Afterwards we heard that he felt it should be our responsibilty to walk up to him and make contact.

At that point, any small idea I'd had in the back of my mind about contacting him disappeared. He lost out. It was his choice. His choice to walk away, ignore us (but not let my step dad adopt us). He paid no money. He wiped us from his life.

When I got pg myself, I did have a small thought but when my daughter arrived, they disappeared. Because no matter what happens between DH&I, if we separated, there is not a chance on hell I'd be separated from my daughter. DD knows nothing about him, and I'm happy to keep it that way.

I do wonder if he thinks about us, and my daughter, there are pictures at my grans (his mums) so he sees them - he must regret somewhere deep inside, but I now dont.

if it makes you feel any better my dad did this to his first daughter and he regrets it bitterly now but its too late for him to change things.

i too have found my half sister and she is happy and considers her step father to be her real father. she has no interest in meeting my dad and i know that hurts him.

your dad is probably the same bitterly regretting what he has done but feels that it is too late.

Thank you all. This is so helpful.

I'm now veering between letting it go completely and writing him off, sending a letter and talking to my half-sister.

I'm not going to do anything immediately though. I will definitely leave it until at least tomorrow night, to take some of the emotion out of it.

It's good to know I'm not the only one, but disappointing that it's so common. There are a lot of estranged daughters out there....

It's very sad but very commmon - something like 50% of non resident parents (which usually means dads) lose contact with their biological children within 3 years of separating from spouse/partner.

Some of the above posters said they considered trying to make contact when they had children of their own, for me it was the complete decider that my father will NEVER be part of my life again - I am not allowing him to let my darling son down the way he let me down.

I don't have any half or step siblings as a result of my dad's f*ckwitted behaviour, but if I did, if possible, I think I would want to keep in touch with them....