torn and in turmoil...so unhappy

[tornbetweenthetwo]

DH and I split up in February, this week would have been our 10 year anniversary, we were married for 3 years and have 2 DC's. Our relationship has always been fairly one sided, I gave everything and he was quite selfish, liked his going out and football where as I loved to be home looking after kids as well as spending time out with DH when we could. However, over the years he has developed a drink problem, started out as more of a binge drinker but it got more and more frequent and he would get stroppy if he could not get out to the pub/club, etc. Things really got bad before christmas and I got very very down and depressed and started to see a counsellor, things seemed clear and I made the decision that he was not going to change, and I realised what a bully he had been over the years and how he had crushed me as a person. My self confidence was gone, I felt like a bad mother and just shit in general. Christmas was awful with his behaviour, too much to drink, jokes going to far, falling asleep then waking up and getting nasty in front of the family, etc. He had always said to me that no one else would ever put up with me and I believed it.

TBT= tornbetweenthetwo

thanks

its not easy with the abbreviations sometimes but that one was rather obvious, sorry.

I thought TTBT was Trying To Be Truthful. Obviously thinking too hard.

Well tell your boyfriend that you need to be alone with DC this week. You don't have to boot him just yet. You may want to slow everything down a bit until you areready to make your next decision. At the same time you could make some peace with DH without becoming his partner. This will give you time to make your next decision. You have your own place so no need to commit to eitherof these men. Play it cool, take your time. make decisions for you and don't worry about what people say.

I think you are right, I need some timeout from all of it. Just wish it was not raining, kids will be going stir crazy soon!! We have done all of the indoor activities already!! Thanks again for your posts. I'm feeling a little brighter now.

You are actually in a good position now: you have a choice between these two (albeit) flawed men and either has a possibility of working. You have your own space and you have income. Now just regain your confidence and they will both be at your feet. Either way you will feel liberated and powerful. Promise.

Have you been on the driving range with the kids? Hitting balls hard is always good therapy! Bowling is the obvious one.

Bowling is another obvious activity

you can't stay with new guy just because he's nice. you know the relationship has no future as he's so irresponsible. you've got kids to worry about. the relationship is dragging you down, just like with your dh.

it's ok to let this guy go and find someone else who ticks the boxes and you have a chance at happiness. the only people you owe anything to is you and your kids.

ha ha bowling has been done!! more than once DS1 loves golf but DS2 is 2 and very mischeivious, don't think golf clubs and balls are a good idea for him. They are happy playing just now and I'm getting some jobs done around the house. Thanks for the ideas though.

TBTT, maybe it is the familiarity that you miss. I think that sometimes when we look in hindsight at relationships (especially when we are still grieving) we can tend to look through rose tinted spectacles, so to speak. I think going back to your husband might be starting back at square one. That is your decision. What does your intuition/gut feeling tell you?

Regarding the new guy, it's a shame if he gets hurt, but there's not a fat lot you can do about that. If it's not working it's kinder to be honest now than to drag it out because you feel sorry for him.

You come across like a really kind and caring person, I bet you're a fab mum, don't let your husband tell you otherwise.

I can totally empathise with how you feel right now as I have had a fair few shitty relationships. It's so easy to give advice but when you're in the situation yourself it's bloody hard isn't it?

(thanks toughdaddy)

You sound like you are someone who has got used to trying to please everyone else and you have lost a bit of your own identity along the way. I know a little bit about living with someone with drink problems (my father) and it is very typical needy alcoholic behaviour to "belittle" a partner and eventually the children too - so you have probably saved them from some of that. In many ways it sounds like you have been enabling your ex and it has suited him just fine. Now that you have left him, you need to get back to the truth about who you are as a person. And, as nice as new guy may be, I wonder if you really need some time on your own - to mourn the end of a relationship (however destructive) and so that you can become a stronger person who makes happier relationship choices for herself and her children, because she is making them from a position of self-esteem and strength.

It sounds like you have been through a lot and your new man has been a bit of a "rebound boost", but it may be time for you to branch out and bravely take on life for yourself for a while. Look after yourself - you deserve to put yourself and your children first, which may mean keeping other relationships and the compromises that they inevitably require on hold...

Oh my god, I'm so slow at posting, the conversation has totally changed by the time my post appears. Doh!

I think the key thing is NOT to spend more money on/enter into any financial transaction with new bloke!

But take you time to contemplate what it is you want. Don't be rash. I would take a little time to work out if you want relationship with either of these men. You will know if you find some peace and contemplate for a few weeks.

Yes, dont lend or give him anymore money just go 50/50 on dates etc. You don't need to burn bridges with any of these men just yet. Take a step back and spend time on your own.

You have your own income, place etc. You can come out of this a stronger person which is very attractive to other men.

You have absolutely NOT messed up! You have bravely left a relationship with an alcoholic (I don't believe that an alcoholic can really have a relationship with anyone) who was also a bully and all round nasty person. Hooray for you! It is not kind to your children to let them think this kind of relationship is normal or healthy, so you have done the very best thing for them.
You have had another relationship - perfectly normal - and it isn't the one for you - again perfectly normal.
I think many women who marry controlling men come from controlling families (which is why they find these men attractive - it's familiar) so it's hard to break away, but you've done it. Your family do not have your best interests at heart, sadly, but that doesn't have to be your problem.
I think you need to see a solicitor to start the divorce rolling, and get the money out of YOUR house. Is your h paying towards the children? Is he just carrying on living in the house? That's not on - it's at the very least half yours.
If you enjoying seeing this bloke despite his flaws, then tell him you want to cool it down and take it slowly and see him (on your own ideally) for dates. But it sounds to me as if you aren't very keen, in which case give him the old 'it's not you, it's me. I'm just out of my marriage and not ready for a relationship' stuff and start again. You can do this!

So do that then... take time for you and your DC's. They have been through exactly the same things that you have been through, and with less understanding skills.
I left my longtime marriage too, and 4 years down the line I am still making mistakes but they are not as costly.
One thing I do know is that I always proteced the stability of my kids. If you feel your have reached stability, hang on to that, then go for more stability, keep it, until you feel you have got to an island of tranquility where you are stronger and you are more able to cope. Then start to look for emotional support and comfort (meaning a relationship). With everything going on the focus about strengthening yourself gets lost, and you cannot start a healthy relationship from so much confusion and weakness.
Settle your life first with your children. Then start filling in gaps. You'll be stronger, have better tools, be able to define your needs better and find a happier relationship. This takes time, but far healthier in the long run.

Wow, all these posts and good advice, thank you all so much for reading my long blurb and again taking the time to post to me. Its comforting knowing that I'm not going through this alone.

I'm seeing DH tonight regarding the children and i'm trying to talk him into some mediation sessions for closure on the relationship as well as sorting out the divorce. If he has not had a drink he will be co-operative, if he has I will have to try again another day.

The younger (8 years than him younger) girlfriend doesn't always help matters, she does not like him seeing me at all and makes threats to him which usually result in me being let down but I'm sure we will get there in the end.

I decided not to go out today as its pouring down here and the DC's are happy playing, though no doubt they will need to run off the pent up energy soon so raincoats and wellies ready!!

Thanks again, you have all been very kind.