friend in violent relationship

[damn]

Ive namechanged for this as im not sure if my friend is an MNer or not.

I have just found out that her H has hit her several times since early this year. I have told her shes done the right thing it cant continue and offered for her to stay with me. Waht else can i do to help her

Bank accounts H doesnt know about. you can arrange not to get statements.
Good for you, she is lucky to have you as a friend.

list here The whole survivors handbook is good, I recommend a good look see.

Remember leaving is a dangerous time, she needs to stay safe

Also, places like lo's nursery etc need to be informed in case he tries to collect lo.

hthe house is in her name and she been advised to stay there he is to find somewhere else. Im just thinking if she needs to get out of there she has a bag for her and LO here. I will tell her about the CM being informed not sure if she will do that though. She as told her family. TYhanks for the link ready i will look at it now so i can make a link for when i call h`er later

her phones are on emergancy call out so she feels safe but had decided to come here so her as she thinks it will be good for her LO, said she hopes LO behaves told her not to worry my ds is forever trashing my house

You are a very good friend.

She is very brave.

she is, from speaking to her today and her readiness to sort out an emergancy bag to be left her tells me she still has her strength, he hasnt completely broken her yet. I will know whether i am right about that when i call her later.

that linkw as fantastic ready, ive wrote down the list and scrawled a few notes

if the house is in her name then yes she does need to stay there. Obviously visting you will do her the world of good fora few days but she needs to maintain residency.

I would definately advise her to get the locks changed, if she can't afforda proper locksmioth then she could buy the locks herself and ask a friend to assist.

Also please do advise her to get he Non molestation order i spoke of earlier. It all sounds very formal but it essentially means that if she is granted the order and he does come to teh house screaming and shouting or being agressive in any way he can be arrested on the spot.

She doesn't necessarily need to tell the Cm everything, just that H has been asked to leave teh home and that he is not to be allowed to collect the children.

Your being an excellent friend and i can assure you she appreciates it. i cannot tell you how much it must mean to her to know that she can depend on someone who is supportive but not judging her.

Are the DV unit within the police able to assist with the lock changing? obv WA would know, but I thought I read something along these lines the other day on here.

How are you all?

My Police DVU doesn't do actual lock changes but they would refer to organisations such as WA who do. They may however put a 'marker' on the address so if officers called there they are aware of the history. Also they can fit temporary alarms which go straight through to the Police control room and in my area a permanent alarm which goes through to a call centre who will then call the Police. The advantage of the second type of alarm is that it will strat recording what is going on in the house as soon as it is pressed.

i phoned her earlier as arranged and H answered the phone passed the phone to my friend. I could hear she was shaken and told me she would ring back. She rang about an hour ago and was close to tears he wanted to stay at the house and she said no so he went off on one shouting and screaming at her then once their lo went to bed hit walls. Whilst talking to me she said she didnt thik that would be too bad

LO told him that he had upset him by hitting mummy and he was a bad boy I said about changing the locks she told me that would make things worse. She did say she needed to speak to somebody. I also advised for hewr to phone council and see if they could move her so she was safe as he forced his way in earlier.
She ended the call quite abruptly as she thought he had came back has told me should speak to me tomorrow

he also did the usual trick of its her fault she shouldnt have got the police involved as he could lose his job etc. The other thing was she told me she really loves him and if he got himself sorted they would be fine, and agreed at teh time that they would be better of not having contact with each other till this was done then said she thought it would be fine him staying there in the spare room

sadly it does sound as though she is still in a phase of denial.
whilst she knows his behaviour is wrong she loves him more than she is scared.

all you can do is be there the way you have been.
make sure you get as much information about what is available locally - you can call WA on her behalf to get info to pass on. that way she will have all the facts there ready for if and when she does finally make that last step.

Im gutted to hear he was back in the house and that she is contemplating allowing him to stay, but how we feel is unimportant.

You really have been such a good friend through all this, im sure you will continue to be.

that was my exact thoughts. I was terrified when she phonmed me back close to tears i thought he'd had ago as i had called. Im gutted that shes contemplating that too, seamed so strong yesterday. From speaking to her tonight she sounds confused about what she wants.

I mentioned womans aid to her earlier and said i would contact them for her if she wanted (dont know if they have an itemised bill but i know numbers that are over a certain length show on mine). as she said about getting advice i think i will take it upon myself to phone them tomorrow at some point so i have the information there for her. Thanks again everyone

iirc womens aid is set up so it won't show up on a bill.

Sadly as Mamazon said it could take time for her to reach breaking point and actually leave. The idea of leaving a controlling relationship like this is terrifying even if you know it is the right thing to do. Even just phoning WA when in the midst of the madness is scarey, while for you, from the outside everything is black and white.

Just be there for her. best luck. We are all here if either of you need support.

IU couldnt remember if it did show up or not had a feeling it didnt but wasnt positive either way
i know it can take time, it seams as though shes undecided which is understandable. As with most women in controlling relationship i think shes worried it will get worse if she does leave.