Does anyone else obsess over The Other Woman? Feel unable to get over an emotion affair?

[BBJ]

Hi girls (and any dads etc). Not often on here but in a nutshell my marriage was in tatters last yr not least because of my husband's 'emotional affair' with a work colleague (text messages / feeling he might 'have a thing' for her etc etc). I'm as certain as I can be that things did not progress beyond this flirtation but I am finding it sooooo hard to move on - and I feel like an idiot because - as he says - "nothing actually happened!!" - they were just feelings (that now he feels really stupid about) - we had a v stressful yr last yr but that's another story - and I'm not excusing his behaviour. I also keep obsessing over the fact that he seemed to so easily fall for someone else (at the time I was post-natal and hormonal and we were arguing a lot) - and I keep obsessing over HER.....!! This sounds awful but I keep fantasising about HER getting married and her husband having an affair - just so she knows the pain that these things cause. Anyone else? Sorry to ramble.

Mobile phones have a lot to answer for don't they? It would probably have been all in his head, or the odd remark/look at work, of which there would be no lasting record.

Can you concentrate on the positive, ie the child you have made together?

Oh yes - I know all of those feelings.

I soooo hope that when my h's ow gets married, has a few kids and thinks her life is perfect, a gorgeous, slim 29yr old comes along and seduces her lovely hubby and completely destroys her life.

Or is that vindictive??

I think in time the obsessing does lessen and if your dh is trying to rebuild your relationship and feels what he did was stupid then that is half the battle.

Things will get better.

I had the OW obsession, she was everything I wasn't, tall, skinny, Cher type body (infact when I see Cher now I hate her) big puffy 80's hair, rich, plenty of free time.. live in aupairs and cleaners... and she stole my ex H for a good year.
OK today, we're divorced but that affair happened 14 years previous to our divorce. I used to lay awake at night thinking of them 'at it'. Me, frumpy me, short, chunky, big knockers that made me always feel matronly... doing the downgrade well and truly on myself. I was too scared to drive to where she lived and he'd hang out til all hours, 'working'.

But I did get over it, and I can't imagine another woman ever making me feel insignificant again, I wouldn't let it happen. I don't care about her anymore and it has passed. It does get less and less as time goes by but you have to believe in yourself and the fact that people (your DH) make hurtful mistakes. DOn't let it fester, make a go of it. Enjoy your baby and your future together. Leave that memory in the shadows, she's history, gone and over.

The position of the OW is I suspect not as enviable as it may seem. She wastes her time with other women's menfolk and ends up alone and childless, possibly suffering from embarrassing diseases. And if people know what she's been up to, her reputation may be an uncomfortable one to live with.

We may not have Hardyesque Skimmity Rides for adulterous couples any more, but they still get their come-uppance sometimes.

So - does that make you feel any better, Wronged Women??

Not really!

Not all of them end up like that - some just skip off without a care in the world and without a backward glance about the damage they have caused.

Well, let's just think of some famous OW. Like Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt. Topped herself at the age of 38. V jealous of Antony's wife - not because he might love her more, but just because she had that status. Well, according to Shakespeare, anyway.

Anne Boleyn - she got the chop within 3 years of ousting her predecessor.

Nell Gwynn: despite Charles II's famous deathbed injunction "don't let poor Nellie starve" I believe that's just about what she did.

There aren't that many famous OW because they tend to stay in obscurity.

An acquaintance of mine carried on a clandestine affair with a married man for years - decades. Eventually the wife died, and the OW hoped the man would marry her. He didn't. He liked having a secret lover so he kept her so secret that eventually when he was dying, she couldn't go and visit him in hospital in case she ran into his family. When he died, she didn't have the position of grieving widow even though she felt like one, and couldn't go to his funeral.

A secret, guilty relationship has its repercussions.