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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Name Calling

47 replies

namechgforthisone · 08/08/2008 19:13

I've name changed for this. DH is usually the best ever and does so much for me it's unbelievable. I won't go on to list all of the 1000s of ways that he is so amazing because I'm really angry right now.
Ocassionally, he gets in these strops when something isn't quite going his way. He was fixing the door today and didn't do it properly. I couldn't get out because it was sticking. He kept saying "just open the DOOR!" as if it were the easiest thing in the world. I'm pregnant and don't have the strength that I usually do. We were both about to go out together and I came downstairs first and couldn't open the door.
He said, "what are you a fing retard?" first of all, I never tolerate that word (retard) ever. Then he told me I was just "too stupid to open a fing door".
I got really upset in the car and couldn't stop crying and he didn't even seem sorry. When I said, "you need to leave, I can't raise a child in a home where his/her dad treats his/her mum in that way" Then he got defensive and said, "oh yes, Im always so mean to you" (sarcastically). I said, "not always, but this is unacceptable. I can't have it."
I think he really is sorry, but he doesn't appear to be and has not apologized. I'm past hysterical crying now and now I'm just angry. He's now angry with me for being angry. I tried to talk to him about it but he just told me that I was "being ridiculous" and won't talk to me about it. What do I do? I know this seems so silly compared with the really big problems people usually have and he's usually so great, so I just don't know what to do but it's eating away at me!! I don't think I deserve to be called names like that, or any names at all!

OP posts:

blinks · 08/08/2008 23:10

oh no, the minimising has begun... be careful of justifying someone else's behaviour is all i'll say.

DivaSkyChick · 09/08/2008 02:01

Are you close to his parents? Is there any way you can talk to his mother about it? I would imagine the embarrassment of having a third party know, especially his mother, would be enough to make him think twice in the future.

Seems weird or childish to tell on him, I know. But rationalization is easier in a vacuum.

Flightputsonahat · 09/08/2008 07:08

Quinne!

Does your partner call you things like this?

Please have a look at the link below.

It's not acceptable and no way canit be justified by saying it only happened once...I mean if her partner had hit her would you say 'Oh he's only done it once'..?

Please, please don't say she is overreacting. Nobody deserves to be spoken to like this. It is this attitude that has allowed domestic violence and aggression to become so rampant.

I agree that there needs to be investigation and resolution and this may allow the relationship to be repaired to a degree, but this is not an isolated incident - he gets stroppy quite often with OP. This is just the first escalation.

DV can start ten years into a relationship and is particularly common in pregnancy. Especially a first pregnancy. I don't know why but it is a well known fact and OP could be in danger if she does not keep her guard up until she feels safe and content that the matter is resolved.

OP - how are you feeling this morning? Did you manage to sleep?
I hope so, will be around a bit today - had to put boys to bed last night and crashed with them

quinne · 09/08/2008 09:16

There are 2 ways this can go IF Namechg accepts the apology and moves on having warned that it must not happen again:-

Everything goes back to the way it was and stays that way (adjusted for having a baby). odds 999/1000

The DH does it again and again escalating into domestic abuse. Odds 1/1000

If Namechg treats him like some sort of abuser and books counseling to resolve his behaviour, then

A man who is nothing or the sort will resent her for taking one event and blowing it massively out of context and there will be a wedge between them. Then there will be a real problem to resolve. 100%

A man who was a latent abuser will be cured. 50%

Counseling will not work and the abuse will start anyway. 50%

So if Namechg "overreacts" then she has a very strong chance of damaging an inheritantly healthy relationship trying to cure a disease which wasn't there in the first place!

My DH doesn't say those things to me, but we've been together for 11 years and occasionally he is angry about something else and gets very irritated with me about something and nothing (and vice versa). Its normal. I feel sorry for abused women but I am not one and from the description from namechg there's nothing I can see that would label her as one either.

Namechg: is this your 1st pregnancy? I felt very vulnerable - physically and emotionally during both my pregnancies, especially in the last two months. I couldn't help it but it really wasn't fun. For example on a bus i was too slow moving to the bell and missed the stop. The bus driver heard me only 10 seconds late but was being pig headed and I cried so much with the humiliation that one of the other passengers nearly attacked the driver! The I sobbed all the way home so much that a man stopped me and asked what was wrong. I'm not like that normally but I just hated feeling so huge, not being able to move quickly (I had an 11lb baby and pre-eclampsia) and it just all got to me. What you husband did was definitely off but try to see it as you would have 12 months ago and react how you would have then. Only you know your DH and relationship, so if you'd booked counseling in Summer 07, then do so now.

Flightputsonahat · 09/08/2008 09:22

Quinne where are you getting your odds from? I really disagree with the 999/1,000 bit, sorry - but I don't want to argue with you on OP#s thread so will leave it.
It's your opinion but please don't state it a fact using v dodgy statistics!

quinne · 09/08/2008 09:25

I made it up. I don't know the real number (no one does for this marriage) so its up to Namechg to put her own estimation on it and act accordingly. Also she must use her own willingness to take a risk, no matter how small.

TBH I think it is wrong of you to scare a pregnant woman with threats of domestic violence.

quinne · 09/08/2008 09:27

but I should add that i can see you are doing it for selfless motives and i do not want an argument with you either flightputsonahat

Flightputsonahat · 09/08/2008 09:27

Right, Ok

I'm not trying to scare her.

Why would I want to do that?

I'm not making threats either.

Really upset by that comment.

quinne · 09/08/2008 09:34

I don't want to upset you anymore than you wish to upset me. We are both (I suspect) using our own life experiences and extrapolating to the OP's situation. Neither of us are experts in anything other than our own life stories and the OP knows that. She will hear different, sometimes opposing views and decide for herself.
But I really don't want to take over some one else's thread anymore with a conversation between the two of us, so can we just leave it here (or at least at your next comment?)

JodieG1 · 09/08/2008 09:37

My husband used to call me names, that's how it started. I put up with it for far too long and he did end up being violent to me. I finally found the courage to get him to leave a few days ago.

I am now actually happy with my 3 children and feel safe in my own home and not like I'm walking on eggshells constantly.

When/if I meet someone else I would not put up with any verbal abuse at all right from the start. I will not put myself or my children in that position again.

possiblymaybe · 09/08/2008 09:41

I wasn't going to post on here anymore.. But your posts quinne are really

Flight isn't trying to scare op..she's talking as someone who seems to have an experience and knowledge of dv..do you?

Please read my post ..I do believe that if I acted early enough and let my ex know that his behaviour is unacceptable my dd would still have a father at home..

I know how vulnerable you feel when you pregnant but isn't everything going to be even more difficult when you have a tiny new born baby to look after..

possiblymaybe · 09/08/2008 09:44

Please read my earlier post

quinne · 09/08/2008 09:48

There wasn't a single person saying that the chances are its ok. DV is horrible but it isn't in every marriage. However arguments and occasional unreasonable behaviour is in most marriages (the vast majority I suspect). I am just trying to balance the views of those who have suffered DV who are answering the OP as you were all saying how you wish you had nipped your own situation the bud. Just because it went that way for each of you, doesn't mean that it will go this way for most women or indeed the OP.

Have i suffered DV? In a previous relationship i got a burst eardrum and a broken wrist. Does that count? Its not relevant here though.

possiblymaybe · 09/08/2008 10:18

ok fair enough quinne

I definetly didn't want to get into competition who got hurt more in the previous relationship.

I agree that some of us may be projecting our experiences into op's situation.. but some things you can see clearly only in a hindsight

solidgoldbrass · 09/08/2008 10:25

Namechange: do you think that all men are entitled to get angry or do you think that only men are entitled to get angry?
ON the one hand and in general I wouldn't be bothered about a partner calling me names as I would just call him/her names back but then I'm quite gobby and don't mind lots of verbal sparring (though don't indulge in it with people who don't like it). But I get the sense you think it's your job to manage his moods and not let him get angry, which is a bit unhealthy.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/08/2008 11:53

It is not overreacting to refuse to be spoken to like that. IMO it was perhaps a little over the top to say "you need to leave, I can't raise a child in a home where his/her dad treats his/her mum in that way" for a first offence, but only because you don't mean it (yet?). He has no right to lash out at an innocent party to cover his own embarrassment at fecking up the DIY. Very childish, and needing instant correction just as you would do to a child. You wouldn't hate your child forever for throwing some stupid tantrum, but you would make it clear that this is not acceptable behaviour. Adults are supposed to know better, but they don't always.

XH called me a bitch once, and I told him that he was not going to use that word to me again, ever. The next time he used it was some 20 years later when we were already divorcing, and I'm sure he only did it then to get a rise out of me (in which he was disappointed) - actually even then he only said I was "bitching", which isn't quite the same. I must have made a pretty strong impression that first time [evil grin].

ihatebikerides · 09/08/2008 17:03

Look her DH was bang out of order, and it sounds as if he knows it too. The good thing is that, over-reacting or not, the OP has made it very clear to him how angry, hurt and upset she is about it. So, the chances of him doing it again are, hopefully, slim - if he's generally a reasonable pleasant-natured bloke. I'd give him another chance, but go ape if it ever happened again.

blinks · 09/08/2008 17:26

quinne- You took my suggestion of counselling in a direction that I wasn't comfortable with.

I suggested a (singular) counselling session to help the OP decipher if there was in fact a big problem at the root of this or whether it was a singular outburst caused by stress etc. From what the OP said, it appeared that her husband wasn't taking any responsibility for causing her to feel scared (perhaps not that he would hit her but being verbally abusive can be extremely frightening and unsettling), hurt, confused, worried and upset.

A counselling session could clarify whether his moods (which the OP stated were quite frequent at once a month or so I believe) were escalating into verbal abuse or not. It would also be an excellent platform for him to apologise properly and discuss any stresses that he feels might have caused such a misdirected outburst.

quinne · 09/08/2008 20:44

Sorry - I have no experience of relationship counseling. For me it is not something you do lightly (probably because i've never done it). I imagined it was soemthing you do when you want to have a really heavy discussion in front of someone who would redirect your marriage. I can see you think of it differently. Sorry, i did not mean to hijack and twist your idea.

quinne · 09/08/2008 20:48

Namechange - what has happened? Are you still feeling like you did yesterday or has it almost blown over?

blinks · 10/08/2008 00:20

i have had relationship counselling so maybe i do think of it differently quinne... it can help both parties.

Jobean · 12/08/2008 08:40

I am reading this with tears streaming down my eyes, i can barely see the keys.

my H thinks nothing of calling me thick, stupid, d*head is one of his favourites when something goes wrong or I do something wrong.

He is loving towards DS and DS loves him and thank God he saves his outbursts for when he is not around but latley that has changed. i've always thought that its best to stay together for sake of DS but now I do not.

I am not thick or stupid, I earn 4 times as much as him and am the main bread winner. i have thought that this may spurn resentment from him and have always tried to excuse his behaviour and when he's ok he's fine, like the boy with the curl in the middle of his forehead - when he's bad he's horrid.

I am embarrassed to tell my friends about this as I know it is wrong to be treated like this but somehow I cannot muster up the courage to leave. He thinks it is me who has the problem not him and I wouldn't even suggest he seeks help. His behavour makes me reject him physically when he is being nice because to be frank the bad times now outweigh the good.

Don't want to be the prophet of doom but this is how he started and you must nip it in the bud right now, I wish I did x

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