For the sake of my sanity I think DH and me will have to split up

[QueenEagle]

I am so sorry but I am going to rant here but I really need to get this off my chest cos I am going to explode with frustration otherwise. I am going to scream, or hit him (I wouldn't actually, I'd lose my job but that's how he makes me feel) or just break down and cry. I cried last weekend and I truly think the best thing I can do is end it NOW.

I have just had 2 days off. I did the following:

Looked after the kids (5 of them).
Cleaned the downstairs loo.
Cleaned the bathroom.
Hoovered and mopped all downstairs.
Hoovered stairs and landing.
Polished front room and dining room.
Did a load of washing/hung it out/got it all in and sorted and put it all away.
Took my older 2 boys to town to get them new football boots.
Wrote out my shift pattern and what hours I would need the minder for up until xmas and went to see her to discuss them.
Cooked dinner.
Bathed little ones and put them to bed.

That was yesterday, today I did:

Changed youngest kids' bed linen.
More washing, drying and sorting and putting away.
Sorted lots of photos into frames with the kids.
Played with the kids.
Took kids to park this afternoon.
I will do the baths and putting the little ones to bed too.

This afternoon, I asked DH to start dinner off if I wasn't back from park with kids - he was properly put out and moaned like buggery saying he had done it for three nights already this week when I was working. He does no housework unless I ask him on his days off and only then under duress, all the time moaning about it. When I am working the house gradually declines over those days and I am left with the mess and disorganisation to sort out so rarely have free time to properly rest unlike him. We have discussed this endlessly.

I have truly had enough. For years now this has been a bone of contention, amongst other things and he swears he will improve then never does. I have to organise him, remind him and clear up after him or live with his untidiness and clutter everywhere.

For all the help DH gives me I may as well be a single parent as hard as that will be doing a job with shifts and with 5 kids. But I cannot stand it any more. I think my emotional health will suffer if I stay with him.

So sorry to go on but I am really on the verge.

Does he know how you feel?

Queeneagle...my very close friend left her partner for very similar reason, she said he was like a second child for her to care for, he gave no help and was just a burden. She used to fly to France, do a day's work, fly back, pick up their son then cook the dinner, he did nothing.
She threw him out after a period of soul searching.

She is now happily remarried with a stepson and another son of her own.

I talked to her a lot during the split and the difference now is fantastic, she says her husband is a grownup and that's fantastic.

I wish you well with your future.

Yes we have had many talks about this. Xmas 2007 was the killer for me after a bad year leading up to it. We had a heart to heart, agreed to patch things up, he said he would change and make me realise what a positive person etc he could be. At that point I was still hopeful that we had a future if he could change.

Then xmas came and I bought him around £100 of gifts. He got me nothing. I was utterly gutted and since that moment my love for him died completely. It was like a smack in the face from him.

I struggled on since however, thinking I should make it work for the sake of the kids. Gradually though things have deteriorated, we haven't had sex for a few months now and a couple weeks ago we spoke about what would happen with childcare should we split. Splitting was first mentioned in April.

I fear I will end up hating him which would be awful.

That's so tough. I've just been moaning to my friend about the fact my DH needs a rocket up his arse to do anything. He does do it without much complaint but needs to be 'managed'. I think that's the bit that grates the most isn't it?

Is there any scope to stay with family or do a holiday without him to see what life would look like without him, and for him to realise how life would look like without you and the children.

I think it would be good if he moved out for a while, not sure where he would go tho, but he has this idea that he will only see the kids every weekend or every other weekend which would not help with my work. He will probably say as I am the one who wants to split, that's tough but surely we should both do what is best for the kids all round?

I am so scared right now of the future but I cannot spend my life being unhappy.

You used to talk aobut your fantastic sex life!

YOu've got far too much on your plate. It's not on.

How old are your oldest DCs, QueenEagle? Are they old enough to help? Your DH lives in the house too. He needs to make sure that he contributes to its upkeep and not just walk past the dishwasher or the washing machine without checking it needs emptying.

What about a rota? Very firmly inked in names beside various tasks that need to be done. There's no hiding there. Tasks can be divided equally.

You have my total sympathy. My DH was the same. I was slaving away all weekend whilst he slumped in front of the box. I was furious after months of this. I asked him to leave. He's really contributed consistently since then. Says he enjoys the team work. I don't mind whether he enjoys it or not, it's got to be done and I'm not doing it all. He understands that now.

I hope you can sort it.

Moondog - yes, that's how good things were a while back. But when I think back to it, that was all effort on my part which made it good iyswim?

And back then I was working from home so was quite happy to be the one doing the household chores.

WW, My kids are 16, 14, 12, 5 and 3. We have done a rota system and the kids worked it out brilliantly between them and put me and dh on it too. DH just said, you needn't think I'm going to be told what to do by kids.

DH has had a kick up the arse so many times and he has acknowledged he needs to do more every single time and for a while it gets better then slips back.

I have just had a chat with him and as always happens, he sits in silence and when I ask what he has got to say he always says, "I can't think of what to say. I think of loads when I am at work but then it all goes out of my head."

DH hasn't got a bad bone in his body but I cannot carry on with someone who cannot express himself or contribute to a discussion. He said to me at xmas that he knows I have been trying to sort it out with him and has been glad I bring things up when they are not right rather than sit and fester,but he then said "I wasn't really taking it in." I am gutted and distraught to say that I no longer love this man in the way I should to make me/him/us happy any more.

I am bumping, I really would appreciate some advice, sympathy, even a kick up the arse if needed but I am so upset and right nom MN is about the only place I can "talk".

I don't really know what to say but didn't want to leave your post unanswered. You must be feeling really stressed. I have to 'manage' my DH too and it can be very stressful and I get tired from the mental clutter as I call it of having to think of things. However, we sat down and had a good heart to heart and now do things on a rota basis i.e I do the dinner, he does the bath etc...however, it does seem as if you have things very much sorted on your part with a rota and your DH doesn't seem too prepared to pitch in..

What about counselling as a last resort and then you can say with your hand on your heart, you tried everything before you make your final decision?

I know how you feel. Went through similar recently. Actually went to the docs. I have been put on 10g of anti depressnt which has actually helped. Took that desperate feeling away.
I made a concious decision to try and work it out as its better for kids. So made real efforts. Gave him jobs written down to do.
Took "me time" out regularly. Including leaving him to it, whilst I stayed over at sisters. Basically go more selfish.
I am trying and also tyring to appreciate that the good side is that he is very easy going the bad side is that it seems he does not care, but with if I lose the bad, I may also lose the good so trying to appreciate things more. Its hard. Women do tend to do more, they just dont see all that we do and have to do..(well most men). Good luck. I understand how frustrating it is. x

Sorry to hear you have had a bad time too - what IS it with some men ffs? I went to the docs a few months ago and was prescribed beta blockers as my BP was well up due to the stress of it all.

QueenEagle. I do know exactly how you feel and am in avery simialr position. I have been thinking seriously about splitting for the past few weeks. I have made lots of pro and con lists and really the only pro is that I want to keep the family unit. But I am really starting the despise him. I work shifts too. He's ok at actually looking after the kids when I'm not there although I am conerned when I ring up at 11am on a Saturday morning and he's in bed asleep (the boys are 8 & 4). However he does nothing around the house. He can't even put dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I leave a tidy house and come back to a compelte mess which just gets worse and worse the longer he is left in the house with the kids. However he does love cooking. The only problem with this is that he uses every utensil in the kitchen expecting me to clear up ( I've cooked you clear!). He doesn't get that the pleasure of a gourmet meal on my return from work is spoilt by the mounds of stinking dirty utensensils strewn about the kitchen. i would rather have had beans on toast than to have to do all the clearing.

It all sounds so petty but it gets me down. I don't feel appreciated or loved. I don't feel like having sex with him because it's no longer about love just duty. He watches copious amounts of porn on the internet and the result is I feel our sex life is about as pleasurable as a gynacological exam.

I think my feelings all emanate from the resentment I feel for him. I feel everything is left to me and he really doesn't listen to anything I say which makes life so stressful. IAs i said I work shifts so I need him to look after the kids at certain times but because he doesn't listen or even check his diary he's always surprised when the day comes when he has to look after them. He has been known to go to the gym and become totally uncontactable when I am at home waiting for him to come home so I can go to work.

I'm sorry. I don't really ahve any solutions. You have to decide if you can dig yourself out of this situation and get your relationship back on track or if you need to get out and make a new life. I think that's what I need to do for my own sanity.

Queeneagle: my DP won't discuss things verbally at all. He actually e-mails me. However they tend to be very nasty. I have now said that I refuse to discuss our relationship via e-mail and if he has something to say he needs to speak to me. Result is there is now no dialogue.

Queeneagle - you have talked to him, he has listened and then continued to do absolutaly nothing aroaund the hose? Is that what you mean when he says he will change, but never does?

He thinks he does enough by cooking, clearing up after dinner, bathing and putting the 2 little ones to bed when I am at work in the evenings. Which might be 3 nights a week, then I have my days off and early shifts when I do these things. So it's 50-50.

He resents doing anything else in terms of housework and only does it if I ask or remind him. So I spend my days off doing ALL of it.

Other problems have been that he has an air of apathy about him and a very negative outlook on life which together with the housework problem, he acknowledged and promised to change but hasn't/can't.

This has been 3 years now but I thought when these problems first appeared it would get better and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I can't carry on like this though.

God you must be bloody knackered. And of course, the thought of kicking him out (which must be very tempting) must be scary, cos then you're faced with the prospect of doing the whole lot yourself all the time. Having said that (and not that I'm a great fan of this as an option, but if you're desperate...) you would probably be entitled to more benefits and dare I say it, you might be able to afford a cleaner (once a week, 2hours, 16-20 quid?)Just to help? I'm only suggesting that as an option because you must be feeling pretty bleak. What a bloody shame. I'm embarrassingly lucky as my DH does tones around the house and I kinda have to force him to sit down. . Is there any time for counselling? Must be difficult to believe he will ever change tho eh?

I hope it works out for you whatever you do.

Have you tried tackling this issue in a different manner, he promises to change but hasn't/can't sound so much like a teenager and mother relationship - sorry (I am not having a go oat you - honest) But it sounds like his behaviour is similar to a teenager who is being nagged to get jobs done.

It doesn't sound like a fully grown man, the man responsible for five children and the husband of someone who needs a partner.

Can you change and not tell him what to do and stop at 50% and not do anymore? Yes so that it doesn't get done at all, he needs to perhaps realise you are not going to pick up after him. But you need to stop doing it otherwise it is pointless

haven't read but why don't you pay for a cleaner altho' that will not solve problem with his attitude.

My DH had periods of being like this, i got upset, we rowed, he promised to change, 1 week later back to square one. So i got selfish, i'd sort myself and the children out, our washing, our cooking, loading the dishwasher with our plates only etc, it took a while, but when he realised he wasnt getting ANYTHING from me, he sorted himself out.

He can be extremely childish and talking didnt help at all, i had to physically change what was happening in our house.

Its hard work looking after yourself and the DC and hideous watching the ever growing pile of dirty laundry he leaves out, thinking you will eventually cave in and do it, but be strong.

If that doesnt work, kick him out!

oh and when i say he didnt get anything, that included sex, cuddles etc, but i was never nasty or shouted at him, just smiled and told him i was exhausted, when he started pestering me for some attention. That way it didnt turn into a row.

when i first started living with DW I had no clue what needed to be done in house. We had bed makers etc at college. Bone of contention for a while but i then got it and pride myself as pulling my weight now. Does he have a mate who might be a good influenece and tell him to sort himself out.

Sorry to hear of your trouble Queeneagle. I am a single parent myself though not for same reasons but it's not bad. If house is a tip it's my own fault IYSWIM!

All I wanted to say is, you've only got one life, it's not like video games where you get three chances. If you are miserable, then do soemthing about it. Don't mean to be blunt but had a few glsses of wine

Would he move out for a while? He might see what he#s missing then. #sorry if simplistic... but hth nonetheless

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this QE, I have been in a similar situation too with DP, I totally understandthat feeling of having an additional 'child' to look after rather than a supportive partner, it's awful.

What changed for me was realising that DP doesn't see what needs doing. I don't write lists, or expect him to magically know what needs doing, he grew up with a martyr for a mother.

I am now very direct - 'I have done 3 loads of washing, drying, putting away, I would like you to hoover up (stare pointedly).' It works. I tell him what needs doing and he does it.

It sounds like your kids are more help than your partner. Can you write down what days/hours you would need childcare help and see how you could do it? As a single parent you would get majority of childcare paid I believe.

I hope you work something out, as mammya says, you only get one life.

Could you write down all the jobs that need doing - then he will physically see what he should be doing and how much you have done?

Start a list on a sunday night and then just photocopy the list for the next week or the weekafter that.

Put the list on a wall in full view and initial each job and scratch through so everyone knows it is done.

Or as tough dad says get a cleaner and reduce the load, then get d/h to cough up for the cleaner.