My DH doesn't want me & it's killing me inside....can we ever get past this? Long sorry!

[mrsshapelybottom]

My DH & I have been together 8 years. When we first started seeing each other we lived 2 hours apart so every other weekend we were "catching up". The sex was fantastic and plentiful Fast forward 8 years and I am wondering now what the hell is wrong with me. I guess DH has a very low sex drive but there are other issues as well which I don't want to write incase it identifies me.

The thing is, I love my DH more than anything, he is a wonderful loving husband in every way apart from sexually. He is an amazing father to our 3 kids & a good provider. He is generous in spirit and kind. He says he finds me attractive but that he just doesn't have a desire to make love.

Normally I am ok with this as long as I am not feeling "in the mood" - but the other night I made it clear to DH that I wanted to have sex (in a jokey way because that's the only way I can cope with letting him know these days) and he just said he feels like he is letting me down and went to sleep.

I feel so utterly and completely rejected as a person & as a woman and I cannot understand how he can fancy me yet not want me physically. It doesn't help that my sex drive has gone through the roof since having our 3rd child

The worst part is that I started having feelings for a friend some months ago & I stupidly asked him if he would sleep with me - a "confidence boosting shag" if you will! My friend is a good man and as gently as he could explained that he would never get involved with someone who was married. I have now lost the friendship and feel like the woman who hit all the ugly branches of the tree on the way down.

DH and I have spoken numerous times about this, nothing has changed except DH gets very upset and turns it on himself and how bad he feels about "letting me down". I have now had to try and switch off my feelings of attraction for him which cannot be healthy for the marraige but I don't know what else to do. DH has said he would consider counselling but wants to try and work through it himself first, whatever that means. I bought the Esther Perel book about Mating in Captivity which he did start to read but never finished.

I feel like such a freak and a failure. Isn't every other man in the world pestering his partner for sex? Why not mine? Has anyone ever learned to live with this situation or am I stupid to hope that DH will find his mojo again?

Sorry this is so long, but it's killing me and I can't really talk to anyone about it. I just want someone to tell me that I am ok

I am not in the same situation as you but do know how it feels to be unwanted. My dp and I have been togegther nearly 20 years but have not had sex for the last 5. He had an affair when I was pregnant with my dd (5) and he has not been near me since - still has other woman on the go (does not admit to that) - living with feeling totally non-sexual is a killer - I dont define myself by how men see me but it does make you feel terribly knowing that the man you love just does not want you anymore - I wish you luck with your situation and loadds of cyber hugs

SGB Thank you for the tips for mismatched libidos - that is a great idea.....DH definately feels under pressure, that much I can tell. I wonder if he is depressed, I am sure his GP would be able to help.

YSI Ah, I see what you mean now the pressure to provide despite being in agreement about parenting arrangements.....and yes, the 3 small kids are not helping matters in the bedroom

IAQ I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, that must be absolutely soul destroying....I hope you are ok....and thank for the hugs!

Thank you for the replies, it means so much to be able to "talk" as there is no-one IRL I would be able to speak to about this. At least now I can see that the way forward for us is to seek professional help & talk together more openly.

The poor man needs bereavement counselling. I think he might have depression too. not surprising under the circumstances.

Maybe he feels guilt for the death of his child somehow (doesn't have to be real guilt, just imagined).

Maybe he feels it is very base to have sex when his poor baby is lying in the ground (I felt a bit like that when my dad died. It felt wrong to enjoy sex. Sorry if tmi).

I do think his affection for you is real and strong. But I think he definitely needs to talk to somebody. It is very very important for both of you that he learns to deal with his loss in a better way. ((()))

CW you are absolutely right, his heart is broken and I feel helpless to understand how he must be feeling. But yes, bereavement counselling is a must but he has always resisted the idea - I think it will help both of us if he can be helped though....thank you.

MrsSB: can you put it to him that seeking help is something he could do for your benefit as well as his own? Because sometimes that can make a depressed person more inclined to seek helpf (if he/she is thinking that he/she should just get over it and stop being so pathetic, or that it's 'selfish' to seek help etc).

SGB thank you! I hadn't thought of it that way - I will have to find a way to broach the subject gently......

thank you again for all the replies, it's been a great help