Losing friends who are mothers

[genia]

I'm sure I saw a thread about this kind of thing a while back but cannot find it. Ds is now 14 months old and to put it briefly, people with babies that I saw in the first year of his life I now no longer see - one at all, and the other one a lot less. Is it because in the first year of the baby's life we are so excited that we want to share things and get support from anybody, but then gradually your real self kicks in and you realise what it is you don't like about that person and that's maybe where things end? The first person got annoyed about my lateness (I was always understimating the time it would take to get myself and ds out of the house) - this was understandable (once I fell asleep and was 2 hours late going to her house, I did phone about an hour after I should have been there but she was very annoyed) and I kind of apologised, but since then our relationship has totally died a death. The second person seems to have a schedule full of loads of mothers and babies and whereas we used to see each other once every 2 weeks, we are now calling each other A LOT less. Also, I think person one and two are probably seeing each other which is slightly (but not all that much) galling, as I'm the one who knew both of them better... With the other mothers I know things are still going okay (the 4 of us meet weekly, less intense than with the other two people as diluted by having more of us there), but I'm just waiting for that to fall apart too... I think it's when people have a moan about you behind your back that things start to go haywire. Or maybe it's just a weekly meeting and not to be taken for a friendship??? Sorry to sound so negative.

Well i always thought that maybe it was just me, like i couldn't make any new and close friends! I have gotten to know so many people since i had my first son 7 seven years ago and lots of them i met up with regular FOR A TIME. We would take turns at going to each others houses, meet at toddler groups and other stuff. I have to admit that noone seemed entirely on my wavelength like my pre-children friends. It's as though you need friends so much being a parent that you pal up with anyone. Even though you hsve NOTHING in common you can get on easily because you are a memeber of the same club YOU'RE A MUM! I think thats why they come and go because aside from that if you have very different attitudes etc you end up annoying each other.
I still have 2 other mums who i see usually once a week. We are all quite different from each other but somehow the three of us seem to enjoy the others company. We sometimes laugh and call our friday meet up our therapy session! We have all supported each other in the past in hard times and between us we have talked about how friends can come and go and made a conscious effort to keep meeting regularly especially as the children are now very good friends.
I found this to be the case when i was a new mum but now i am more confident and a better judge of character i don't find this as much.

I agree with linzoid. I made quite a few friends when i had just my first but only one has remained my true friend, she is like a sister and now goddaughter to my second dd. I also made other friends whilst carrying my second (although i don't want to sound bigheaded) my second dd is advance and was walking at 9months, as soon as these friends found out my dd was walking before their ds they stopped contact, i sometimes think alot of these pregnancy friendships fall to the wayside once babies start developing, i was very very lucky to find such a good friend.

Agree that's it's easy to end up in a "coffee group" when sproglets are still babies - you have loads to talk about because it is all so new. But then you have to decide if you want to work at these friendships - and I don't mean that nastily. I have a handful of girls from my antenatal group who I class as really good friends and who I have seen constantly more or less since our children were born. We would never have met but for these classes, but I now couldn't imagine life without them! Maybe because of this "A" list of mummy mates, I gradually stopped meeting up with women I'd met at my postnatal group - some of them seemed very nice but we didn't have the same bond. We'd see each other in the street, say we should meet for coffee etc etc and then nothing would happen. Then I happened to bump in to one of them, bit the bullet and arranged to meet up then and there - despite having hardly spoken for a year. Since then both of us, although we are very different, have made time for each other and our friendship has grown as a result.
I'm rambling, but the point I'm trying to make is that it's worth making the effort - even if you do feel a bit left out. It may well be that the other people don't think you are really that bothered; they could be quite shy and need a bit of encouragement. It's easy to let friends, both old and new, fall by the wayside when you become a mum - there seems so little time for yourself let alone anyone else. But it's also easy to pick up the phone and start where you left off.

I think in part it's also because once the babies reach about 12 months you actually start to return to being the real you - and you start being interested in other stuff as well as your baby and being a mummy. I certainly found that I looked at my "new mummy friends" and wondered why I was spending time with them as we had nothing apart from the same age babies in common - decided life was too short and got back to my real life.

I'm now at the other end of this in that my dd1 started school last Sept and friends of ours that we used to see pre-school are drifting. As am I probably. I don't hold it against anyone, as it does get so hard to find the time to see people beyond school. As I think unless you are close friends w/e's are "family time" so the only option is after school.Then you're dealing with weary children and weary siblings(often weary Mummies!). I think, for me, I just have to accept things change and all our lives move on. Dd1 keeps in touch with her best friend who's at another school,which is important and I'll keep on mustering myself to keep up some contact with fellow drifters!

I often think that I am the only one. It seems if I ask others to come and play or just a Mommy to come for coffee then it is accepted, but it always seems to be of my asking.

I went through a really hard autumn, when somebody I had seen every week, and who had sat in my backgarden and eaten lunch every week, alll through the summer, just seem to dump me. Its like being back in the playground. I think we all think everyone else has a very exciting full life, always seeing other people etc, but when you actually talk- most people seem to be in the same boat - either that or they are just saying so... or am I just paranoid!

Deegward
I know about the playground feeling because that's a little how I felt - did you talk to your friend to find out why she no longer seemed to be interested?

Deegward, you are a godsend, thank goodness i am not the only one feeling like that. I have alot of acaquaintences but only a few true friends, I don't know about anyone else but i love girlie nights in, wine, nibbles and general chatter, no bitchiness is allowed, and although some people will come (neighbours) none are willing to reciprocate the invites. I am fed up of having so called friends who do not return calls it makes me feel used just for nights out. I made a very tough decision 12 months ago to disregard these 'Piecrust friends(easily made but easily broken) and now know my true friends.

Deegward, Chiccadum - so I'm not mad then? (or at least, not just for this reason...)It's SO frustrating, and inevitably it makes you feel pretty c**p about yourself doesn't it? I would love some girlie chats/ evenings in, and thought this would be easier with a little one (more things in common, more chances to meet new friends etc) but this doesn't seem to be the case. Mumsnet has been a godsend. Any tips for meeting non-fairweather friends (love teh "piecrust" idea BTW)would be much appreciated

I'm in the same boat as you all. I would love to make more friends, and am going to invite one of the girls from my M & T group over for coffee when I see her tomorrow. This is a big step for me, as I have been hurt by supposed friends before, so I am wary of rejection.

I have three friends who have babies, and I see each of them about once a month. One of them is a fairly new friend, and I am trying not to get too 'involved' too quickly, and to let the friendship grow naturally. We have reached the stage where we are tentatively confiding the less important dh stories and moans to each other, but no deep dark secrets yet! Of the other two, one is a long term friend who I would trust, and who I know a deep dark secret about! The other is an old friend, but we have only recently got back in touch with each other, so again, I am taking that one easy.

I always seem to come into contact with people who make friends easily, and who have tonnes of friends, and this makes me feel very inadequate. Sometimes though, I think that these people don't try too hard, and this is what is attractive to other people. My early relationship with my mum made me very eager to please everybody, and I think that this can come across as depreation, and scare potential friends away! Coupled with on/off depression, I am probably a friendship from Hell!

At the next meet-up, I am determined to come. I did not attend the Xmas one, through lack of courage, and fear of losing my anonymity.