My dh has annoyed me

[Chinchilla]

As mentioned on the Valentine's Day thread, my dh has really annoyed me. I think that it all stems from the fact that he works from home, as he is always telling me that I do this and that wrong when looking after ds. OK, so I have to look away occasionally from ds, in order to do something quickly, and yes, he scoots away and does something 'naughty' like switch the dial on the Dishwasher. I know that he could potentially hurt himself in the nanosecond that I am not looking at him, but, according to my dh, this is 'not good enough', and I should always have my eyes on him.

As you can probably tell, I am really grumpy about this, and I am questioning if anything I do will ever be good enough for him. When I cook things, he says, 'This is lovely, but do you know what would make it even nicer..?' Then I am supposed to be grateful for his pointers, instead of wanting to wrap the saucepan around his head. If ds does anything, it is my fault for not stopping him. OK, I sometimes let him touch the tv, as it doesn't do any harm, and it stops him having a tantrum. I believe that sometimes you have to weigh up whether the thing your child wants to do is actually dangerous or destructive. If not, does it matter if you have to clear up?

I am FED UP with being told that I am not good enough. He is subtley undermining my confidence, and he has done this for the 15 years that we have been together. He never wants sex, and this makes me wonder if I am attractive, when I know that I am because I am always getting attention from men when on my own. This is not meant to sound big-headed, just to show that it is him with the problem, not me. He admits that I am attractive when clothed, but that many men would not find my body attractive naked!

I am an intelligent woman, fairly attractive, I try to be nice and to have other things to talk about other than ds. What is wrong with me?

NOTHING. Men are a species totally on their own. My hubby has only told me i was doing something wrong once and i flew, i'm not a natural redhead but should had a redheads temper. I agree that you have decide whether a child touching something is dangerous or destructive, children have to learn, none of us were born knowing how to do exactly anything. My hubby can be sometimes like yours but i won't stand for it. When he starts going on about your looks (no offence meant) but i bet he isn't an adonis. I know it is hard with him working from home, but if he tells you you do this and that wrong, get your coat, leave your phone and go out for the day and leave him to deal with things. When he comes to cooking if he says 'this is lovely but you know what would make it nicer' just say to him before he can finish it, YOU, because from now on do all your own cooking. I have had to be tough on the verge of cruel to my hubby, we've been together 6 years, married for 5 and he was used to having everything done by his mother, I said from the beginning i was no substitute, maybe this could be why he is treating you like this, tell him to stuff, you are worth so much more. How old is your young one. I know it sounds stupid but what does, dh,ds & dd stand for, I'm very new to mumsnet. If i can be of help I'm here.

Chinchilla - there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and, thankfully, you know that. Grrr, I hate people making 'suggestions' when I've cooked something. He sounds, maybe depressed? angry? about something and is directing it at you.

Sounds to me like you really could do with losing some weight - the 13 stone lump you're married to! Don't mean to be overly-flippant, but I do think you've been a saint to put up with comments like these without committed justifiable homicide over the past 15 yrs. Sympathies....

BTW Mommymommy - dh;ds;dd - darling/dear husband; son or daughter

What I want to know is why there is one set of rules for men and one for women, they would be stuck without us. They always find a way to dig into our confidence and eat away at it. I must admit though i have put on 8 stone since been with mine and he is worse than ever, so i am v lucky, but how dare he talk to you like that. Before i joined mumsnet i thought i was the only one who felt like that about men, thank goodness i'm not.

Sobernow - yes, my dh is a control freak. It really gets me down sometimes. OK, we do have good moments, but the bad outweigh them. Because he works from home, he sees everything that ds and I do, and hears most of it. Some of his comments I can ignore, but other ones eat away at me.

For example, I wrote a short story for Black Lace, the 'naughty' publishers. They seemed interested, but gave me some pointers to make it their house style. When dh found out, he went ballistic. This was 3 years ago. I listened to him, and did not send it back. Lately, I decided, because of a lack of personal clothes funds, to send it in again. When he saw the envelope, he called me perverted, and asked me how ds will think of me when he finds out what his mummy did. I said that it would be published under a pseudonym, and that I am not ashamed of writing it. He said that he thinks less of me now. I asked what the difference was in thinking these thoughts, and writing them down to earn a bit of money.

Anyway, some of you will think badly of me for this, but I am quite a free thinker sexually. I would not have an affair, because I believe in my marriage vows, but otherwise am happy to experiment if my dh wanted to. It's just that he never wants to.

He gets very 'twitchy' if a job needs doing, and spends half his weekend doing things because he can't stand the house looking slighty dusty, or the car being dirty. I think that weekends are for fun as a family. I appreciate that these jobs need doing, and know that I am not the best house wife in the world, but our house would bear scrutiny if someone just popped round (which they never do anyway, as they know how unsociable we (he) are).

Anyway, whenever we talk about things like this, he always manages to make it that I am the bad one, and I always end up feeling like he is right, and I could do so much better as a mum and housewife. He is away for 10 days from Wednesday, and I am actually looking forward to it in most ways, apart from the extra work with ds.

I sometimes wish that I had left him when I nearly did five years ago, before marriage and ds (obviously I don't regret ds). I had one man who really wanted to be with me, who I really liked, but was too chicken to upset the status quo for. Having said that, I am suffering from depression, so I could be blowing this all out of proportion. Sometimes I can just tell him to get stuffed, and he accepts that!

chinchilla, just did quite a lot and lost it, grrr!

anyway the gist of it was:

• no it's not you it's him
• if he's such a great chef why doesn't he cook
• doesn't he know that his comments on toddler discipline go against all the current best practice on toddler discipline?
• at least there's nothing exploitative about black lace like there can be with photographic/movie porn.
• don't bother packing his gift, take it back and spend the money on yourself

have you tried counselling/relate? i don't think it's really on and no wonder you're depressed!

anyway, much sympathy
best wishes from bossySkate

ps - did you used to post here under a different name?

Chinchilla, my gosh, I just want to add to the general consensus so far, it is not you. I think your dh is being insensitive at best, no scratch that, he is being downright rude and cruel to you. It sounds like you have a constant 'back seat driver' telling you how things should be done and I'm very impressed that you have resisted the urge to wrap that saucepan round his head!

Thank GOD it's not just me. He's just returned after a day in London. I asked him to leave his moby on on the return journey, just so I could decide whether he/I would put dds to bed and did he? So I commented on it when he got back. Could he say sorry? Could those words ever,ever,ever pass his lips? Of course not.

He changed upstairs, came down and asked who had thrown the c20yr old radio away. I did. I was then subjected to a torrent of abuse about how decisions like that should be ajoint one, how just like me blah blah blah. A damned radio! I'm fed up with living in the aftermath of the second world war (he's 66, I'm 37), fed up with him turning off the lights when I've turned them on, fed up with him closing the 'fridge door after me when I don't bother to close it just to put a slurp of milk in a cup of tea, fed up with him turning down the heating after I've turned it up. Do you know the other day (after five years of marriage not to mention the 15 years of bliss I had on my own before that) he actually had the audacity to comment that if I put the washing capsules at the back of the machine the clothes would was better. I hate him.

I actually went to my GP about three weeks ago as I was feeling so s..t and she referred me to someone. He said that initially he thought I was suffering from clinical depression, but that now he thinks it may be PND. (Don't know about that though, dd2 is 31/2 now). And do you know what? He knows I went but couldn't even lower himself to ask how I got on, so he knows nothing of this.

Oh, I'm so glad I read this posting! Is it really so unusual to have someone walk in the door and say ' Hi, how was your day?'

God, that feels better!

Love Mumsnet. Subscribed ages ago but have only just got Broadband. Hang on in there everyone!

Oh Chinchilla, another vote for you against your deeply annoying dh. He really needs to spend a day at home with ds on his own, and then you can come back, having preferably spent the day somewhere nice with friends, and pick holes in everything he's done. Agree with others that counselling might help you both unpick his negative behaviour and get him to appreciate all that you do for him and your son.
Never mind saucepan round head, he'd find himself under the floorboards if he tried those tactics round here. We all have our off-days but this is clearly much more than that.

Yes BK, I used to post under Suzannem - and posted about his lack of social skills in relation to a party for ds's first birthday. Have also posted under a couple of other names which I won't reveal, as they were even more personal thoughts than these!

I have just thought of another rant...I am not allowed to drive 'his' car, in case I have an accident, but he can drive mine, as he is more careful...hmmm rant rant!

And, Marina, he HAS looked after ds for a whole weekend. He admitted afterwards that he didn't know how I did it all week, but he doesn't seem to have learnt anything from it. I recently realised that I still got up for ds on both weekend days, and never got a lie in. So I put my foot down, and now dh gets up one day, so I can sleep later. I suppose it was partly my fault for letting him get away with it for so long.

I am trying to think of something good about him to say. We used to have so much in common, prior to ds, but it all seems to have gone. Everything pleasurable is too much trouble for him now. He used to be really considerate, and I suppose he is when I am feeling down. I have thought for a while that I don't love him any more, but can't imagine life without him there.

People tend to think that when you have depression you blow things out of proportion, but having been there myself, i sometimes think that it can help you think more clearly. Mainly because when i had depression i wanted to spend as much time on my own as possible and that gave me time to think and think things through more thoroughly, which is probably why i don't sleep now as i tend to think things over before going to sleep. I must admit i count the hours to when my beloved is working, mainly then because i tidy up after 2 young ones under 5 and not 2 young ones and a 40 year old

On a plus side, dh cooked for me last night, from scratch. We had chilli and rice...no packet mixes or anything!!! I never knew he had it in him, and I am happier for it. It doesn't take much to please me, and he was really nice yesterday.

Chinchilla - big hugs and sympathies. Glad about the chilli, but don't think this lets him off the hook. My dh does this. And then whenever we have a row he'll say "but I cooked you chilli from scratch last week" or whatever - so be prepared for him to coast on this bit of good behaviour for a bit! Think you should enjoy your 10 days "off" and have some "you" time - can you get someone to babysit and go out with some friends or something? Even finish the Black Lace story? Otherwise, I always find a nice hot soak in the bath with some candles and a glass of wine when dd is in bed calms the nerves...

Perhaps he really doesn't realise just how selfish and unreasonable he's been? If you were to show him this, for instance, he'd possibly be horrified (but don't show him this otherwise nowhere will be sacred for you!). Sometimes it takes a third party (friend / family member / counsellor) to point something out before it seems "real" to the person. (Experience of this from marriage no.1 when we went to Relate). If you truely think there's something there worth saving, do try counselling. It might not necessarily save your marriage, but it will help you both to come through it by examining what you both need / expect from each other and if it would be better to part.

I did tell him yesterday morning that he needed to take the time away to think about whether he wants to be part of our family or not, as he was being a bit of a moody git. He seemed to take this in, as this was when he became more thoughtful. Reading this thread over, I feel that I might have only pointed out his bad points. He does have some lovely ones, and we got on really well when we went away for a night on our anniversary, so I think that we may just need some more time alone together.

While he is away, my parents are having ds for a day, and I am going to see the new Hugh Grant film on my own. Can't wait.