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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If this is love, I don't want it!!!!

45 replies

scaredoflove · 04/08/2008 17:10

Back history.....

Fell in love age 17, he didn't love me, felt out of control, ended it. Year later he came back, smae scene, I ended it again. The day he first kissed me I thought I was going to pass out

Month later me the man who I married. I loved him but was never IN love with him. 12 years on we divorced. That was 10 years ago. I had one mini relationship, again loved but not in love. Ive had casual friendships/sexual partners in the last 10 years

So now, I met someone online. We met a month ago after chatting for a year as friends. We talked all night, had a snog which was fabulous. Everything felt very natural, no awkwardness. He's attractive, solvent, funny, fit etc

He is a workaholic, very open so I know it is only work (I have his home address, home phone and brothers details, all he offered up) He doesn't answer his phone very often or answer texts very often either. I have been very laid back and tried not to be on his case, even tho I want to lol Work is his life, he works 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, that isn't going to work is it?

So we had dinner last night, which was lovely. He told me he really likes me and wants to date, that I'm wonderful. We came home and had amazing sex. Now the crunch, I had to stop briefly as I thought I'd pass out again. Is that lust or love?

I hate this feeling!! And I know this isn't a normal reaction. I have spent all day with butterflies and that feeling you get before you get on a rollercaoster. I want to run and tell him I can't do this, but I know that is a stupid reaction

Am terrified of getting hurt, is it better to hurt now or later, but then I want what normal people have

How do you have the courage to try in relationships? I'm a strong woman, I work, I raise my kids on my own, I do all my own diy! Why does this scare me so so very much and how to stop these butterflies? What if he isn't feeling anything?? God I'm a wreck

OP posts:

Beaches · 31/08/2008 21:21

Just have a good think tonight about what YOU want from the relationship. Then let him know, in a kind patient way as opposed to an arghhh way! If he steps up all is good, if he says he needs to consider dont take it as rejection, he will respect you more for giving him the time patince and understanding previous partners have denied him. Good luck

Beaches · 31/08/2008 21:21

dittany · 01/09/2008 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MindingMum · 02/09/2008 10:20

scardoflove - did he ring?, did you get anything sorted?

taxiservice · 02/09/2008 13:49

It sounds to me he's not got over his breakup and has buried his head in his work since then. You said he misses his daughters, it's likely that you are not his only focus of attention at the moment.

I think the reason you are fearful is not because of your personal history, just that he's not demonstrated commitment and that would make anyone tread carefully.

If he's planning to retire in 3 years time, you could always offer to put the relationship on hold til then. If he doesn't change his habits you will know where you stand with him.

Original poster

scaredoflove · 02/09/2008 19:34

3 texts to say busy, will ring later, no call! I haven't text/called him, only replied to his

I'm a lot more relaxed over it all tbh, if he wants me, he will make the effort so am just seeing what happens now. (Still want him to make an effort though, I like him soooooo much!)

OP posts:

Creole · 02/09/2008 20:44

Please try and play hard to get...when he texts, don't reply, let him do the chasing....

Don't let him know you like him that much

FlightAttendent · 02/09/2008 20:47

I get like that when I first start a relationship. I go dizzy and so nervous I think I will be sick.

I spent most of the first date with my ex out in the garden trying not to throw up!

MindingMum · 03/09/2008 08:06

creole - do you really think that works or do they just get the impression we aren't interested and move on?

I know we read much more into texts than they do, I mean, they are reassured if we even text back at all, regardless of what we say. Where as we analyse every text, don't you think?

Creole · 03/09/2008 09:52

My philosophy is, if someone likes you they will do anything to be with you. None of this reading between the lines or waiting for them to call etc...

Original poster

scaredoflove · 04/09/2008 14:48

small update..

He phoned today, sort of skirted around the issues so still don't know where he is with me but sort of tried to explain some of them

He says his 2 biggest problems are work and daughters. Work he is planning to work a 4 day week and no weekends and he shares his kids, it is supposed to be 3/4 days at his and rest at mums. They have almost moved in as not getting on with mum. This is one of the reasons for silences as he doesn't want them involved in any relationship until it is established. That I totally understand as I wouldn't introduce him to mine either. The times we have been out have been when mine are at dads.

He is going to phone to sort out maybe dinner sat or sun night, so will leave him alone again til then. I think me backing off has helped tbh, I knew I needed to. Just so hard when I know he is someone I want to try with. I'm gonna be cool and aloof lol

OP posts:

Fimbo · 04/09/2008 14:59

Good luck Scared. He sounds as if he is being honest with you.

I hope it all works out.

lel1 · 04/09/2008 15:59

I really hope that all works out for you with him, but don't get too involved until he commits more time to you and you actually meet his family and see where he lives ( for all you know he could have wife, sorry to say it, but guys having affairs can exhibit this sort of behaviour) but I do hope that he is entirely genuine

Original poster

scaredoflove · 15/09/2008 22:03

A final update....

It carried on as before, I didn't see him at all. I text him a few times to say I don't see the point, time to move on and he phoned me to say no no blah blah

I went to a party few weeks back and an old flame and I snogged. The next day, I text him to say sorry, moving on. I got a phone call straight away. He said how was the party, I told him what had happened. Two days later a phone call he really wants this to work blah blah blah. I was then ignored until saturday. I text to say again what's going on, It was a very arsey text. I got back should have told you to fuck off when you said you snogged someone! Fair enough

Sunday he is on msn, telling me how I messed it all up. I told him, he only wanted me when I pulled away and we didn't have relationship anyway. He is acting like a wounded boy now.

I sent him a long email last night, saying that actually I really liked him but I can't be hanging in the wings to be picked up when he feels like it. Haven't had a reply yet

The weird thing is, for 12 weeks I have had that feeling before a rollercoaster, the mix of fear and excitement, getting more intense after seeing/speaking, I woke up this morning and that feeling has gone, what was that all about??

I don't think it will go anywhere now, I would, I still really like him but I think I have woken up to the fact he isn't in a place for what I want

Shame as he was perfect .....if he had time lol Hopefully one day will find someone good, at least I've learnt I can have a relationship with someone. must admit I thought I wasn't capable

OP posts:

regularlyoverwhelmed · 15/09/2008 22:25

awh - sounds to me like he is a fool

Original poster

scaredoflove · 15/09/2008 23:29

I don't believe this.....email, I can't let you go??

What do i do??

OP posts:

Original poster

scaredoflove · 15/09/2008 23:47

Spoke on MSN. Have said I will speak to him tomorrow, I need to sleep on it. He says he is a fool and treated me badly, he wants a proper relationship. I'm his perfect woman but other women have hurt him and he is scared. He has promised to include me in his life and first stop is his home.

oh god, my stomach is churning again! I've been so relaxed today, almost relieved but the little time I've spent with him has been amazing. I was hoping for a good nights sleep tonight, don't think I will get one now...ugh

OP posts:

odearyme · 16/09/2008 00:05

After reading all this, he sounds like he is enjoying keeping you hanging on his piece of string. I really think you should back off and really move on.

Original poster

scaredoflove · 16/09/2008 18:48

I know I'm speaking to myself but it is helping seeing/saying/writing it down, so am gonna continue lol

He phoned this evening after work, he is going to play squash then phone me later. He has promised to be more proactive and we will go out one night this week for a good chat and discuss where it's going

He said he is terrified of getting hurt again (ex wife went off with a friend) and has been avoiding a relationship with me but likes me too much to walk away. I told him at the yesterday about the rollercoaster feeling and he says he wants to take a risk and get on the rollercoaster with me

I think I have to take a chance. I want to give him a chance as he is great in every way (as long as he doesn't do the unobtainable thing) I'm scared but I really want to try a relationship again. I'm 41, only had 2 proper relationships and been alone for 10 years with one 8 month relationship 4 years ago and don't want to be anymore

I just got to take it slow, I guess, I don't want to miss something that could be good

OP posts:

regularlyoverwhelmed · 17/09/2008 09:01

he sounds lovely - but do be careful - if he starts going all unobtainable again I would walk away I think...if he does want a relationship it is not fair to keep you hanging on threads like that...

hope it all works out

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