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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband swearing and shoutingon purpose in front of toddler-time to move out?

19 replies

yvette37 · 04/08/2008 10:24

Hello,

It would be great to have some feedback as my husband's behaviour is affecting me and my child.

I have been married for now 9 years with a little boy of 2 years and three months. I gave up work and am looking full-time after our child; no nursery or childminder.
My husband always had a tendency to shout, swearing and display a horrible face when the conversation is not going his way. However it is getting worse with him swearing at me in front of my family, in the common parts of our block of flats so that neighbours hear everything.

He has no compunction in shouting and swearing (calls me a f* bi) in front of our child and people. Yesterday he shouted, swore and threw a roll of foil in my face in our toddler's bedroom whilst the child was watching all along; this was prior to bedtime. The child is now repeating Mummy is a bi* and is extremely upset.

I have also noticed that he takes pleasure in undoing all the work I do with our child during the week in matters of discipline and general behaviour for instance corner, tidying up toys etc... He always ensures that I have to start all over again when it comes to Monday.

Over the years my husband always promised that he will change but it is all talk on his part with no deeds. He has a drawer's mentality in that he agrees to something to suit the moment and then forget all about it until the next time. His excuse is that 'I nag'!!. I have asked him whether he swears and shouts at his bosses, colleagues when there are disagreements. I am absolutely fed up with the guy and thinks that the way forward is to move out as I feel that he is behaving like a teenager and not fit to bring up a child. Has anyone faced the same issues?

Many thanks

Yvette

OP posts:

QueenyEisGotTheBall · 04/08/2008 10:31

i havent been in this situation myself yvette but i do agree that this situation isnt healthy for you or your child. he is already starting to associate bad words with his mummy because that is all he hears day in day out when you and your DH argue. your DH sounds like a complete immature arse and he doesnt deserve a second more of your consideration as he doesnt pay you any consideration (or your son for that matter) good luck making your decision and all the best of luck for the future
xx ei xx

thisisyesterday · 04/08/2008 10:43

would your husband agree to seek help with his anger issues?
I definitely think that it is bad for your child to be exposed to this and your husband has GOT to stop.
otherwise yes, I think i would be prepared to move out so that your son doesn't witness it

toolly · 04/08/2008 10:50

Don't put up with such disrespect any longer. Your son will learn to treat women this way. Have you tried counselling?
If your husband is not interested in changing his behaviour then he has to know that you don't wish to be together with him anymore.

DillyTanty · 04/08/2008 10:51

i rather think he should move out, though...

Overmydeadbody · 04/08/2008 10:58

Oh god Yvette, leave him. Now.

Change the locks next time he goes out and don't let him back in.

What a horrible man.

Why would you even contemplate staying with him?

Overmydeadbody · 04/08/2008 11:00

He won't change. Ever.

Oh no, wait, he will probably get worse, but he won't get better.

Sooner or later if you sdtay your DS will be shouting and speaking to you like that too.

GypsyMoth · 04/08/2008 11:42

it sounds like my ex Yvette.......he was/is the same,but he got worse. anger management didn't work for him (3 lots of it). the verbal abuse is actually domestic violence,as is the controll aspects regarding your child.you could seek advise that way. what do your family say now they have seen this? is he violent too?

beanieb · 04/08/2008 11:44

It isn't healthy. Do you think you could both learn to communicate better through counselling?

Perhaps he finds your annoyance at him not putting toys back when he is playing with his child quite hard to deal with too?

edam · 04/08/2008 11:46

You are right, Yvette, you have to get out or get him out now. Before this escalates violence - the situation you have described is horribly familiar from cases of domestic violence. Abusive men like this get worse and worse if they are not stopped.

You are also right that he is not fit to bring up a child - and he's not fit to be in a relationship, either.

beanieb · 04/08/2008 11:47

If he has never showed any tendancy for violence surely some kind of counselling might be worth trying?

edam · 04/08/2008 11:48

I wouldn't fanny around with counselling or anger management, tbh. He doesn't sound like he'd cooperate and from the description you give, it's probably gone beyond that point.

IF you leave/chuck him out and he's terribly remorseful, then maybe, if you want to, look at counselling and anger management at that point. But don't let him back into your lives until he's actually put the work in and managed to prove that he has changed, for good.

beanieb · 04/08/2008 11:50

Do you still love him, does he still love you?

Even if you do leave him he will still be joint responsible for bringing up your child.

edam · 04/08/2008 11:51

Shouting abuse IS an act of violence. As is throwing the roll of foil in the OP's face. He's not afraid to do this in front of other people and in front of his own child - it will only get worse if he isn't stopped.

Yvette, I'd also get yourself a bloody good solicitor who is switched on in terms of handling violent men. You'll need help to sort out access in a way that is safe for you and your son, for starters.

solidgoldbrass · 04/08/2008 11:59

DOn't bother with couple counselling, it won't work because he will only agree to go in order to tell the counsellor to tell you to modify your behaviour and obey him in every way. That's what he thinks women are for.
Contact women's aid, get good legal advice and get rid of this man before he starts hitting you.

TheProvincialLady · 04/08/2008 12:00

Do you want to kick him out now, whilst he is publicly verbally abusing you and throwing things at your face in front of your son, and causing big problems for your son? Or do you want to wait until he is publicly verbally abusing and hitting both you and your son, punching you in front of him and ruining the poor boy's childhood? Because that is where this is going.

Contact Women'a Aid today for the advice you need. Good luck.

toolly · 04/08/2008 13:15

I think you need counselling because it seems you have really low self esteem. His behaviour is totally and utterly wrong and you need to know that.

Throwing foil at you is violent. He's stepped over the line. He's done it once he WILL do it again.

Please get help before it escalates any further and you end up in hospital or worse.

prettyfly1 · 04/08/2008 13:17

sorry guys but throwing tin foil in her face is violence - it sounds like the situation is escalating and you need to leave it before the damage is done to your son. good luck

Qally · 06/08/2008 02:41

See a good solicitor, find out your rights - and hopefully get the locks changed. Don't see why you should move out, at all, but he certainly needs to. He's destroying your baby's childhood and won't ever change, because if he could act differently he'd be doing so already. Counselling helps couples with mutual conflict issues. It does not stop a bully.

Original poster

yvette37 · 07/08/2008 20:46

Hello Ladies,

Thank you very, very much for all your feedback and support. I am planning to take a week off on my own and think things through. Told my husband to book some holidays so that he can look after our boy.
All of you were right to include having low self-esteem. Very interesting indeed.
Many thanks again.

Yvette

OP posts:

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