OMG! Lightbulb moment

[MamaGLovesMe]

Just going over a conversation I had with MIL this morning. Come to the conclusion she blames me for my children's behaviour.

What response could she have given that you would have preferred. Think what she said would have been my response too as I would not have known what else to say. In what way do you think she was criticising you?

Unless there's more to it than you've said, then I think you are reading too much into it.

I don't think she was in this precise case.
Anything the kids are good at (art, jigsaws) comes from her side and the fact that the kids are stubborn and have temper, they take after me.

I loved colouring and jigsaws as a child but of course she wouldn't know that as she has never asked me anything about when I was small.

Oh that's normal MIL stuff. And probably mother stuff as well really. My mum knows what I did as a child, so she will see that behaviour reflected in DC. And ditto MIL and DH.

My MIL describes something naughty DD said and her facial expression and tone of voice then says "and she looked/sounded just like you"! She says it humorously but I think "are you trying to say you think I behave like a spoilt brat?" DH always says about bad traits "she/he gets that from you!". I think they are being lighthearted...

Your MIL may not think as badly of you as you think she does. I always think that mine thinks awful things but then DH will say that his Mum has said to him what a good mother I am and how good our children are! ....and I think, "whatever gave her that idea?"

Could you be overanalysing her (are you generally hypervigilant for signs of people's disapproval/rejection), or is it much worse with her than anyone else?

When DD was born, we got a card from her Great Uncle saying "I betr Nanny isn't best pleased at having a grand daughter!" Been downhill since. She even had a conversation with her mother saying to would have been better if I had had 2 boys first rather than B G B! [shoc]

Has she said what she has against girls?

She has said she doesn't know about girls as she didn't have one.

Errrrr, she is a girl, she had a mother, she has sisters, she taught girls.

Does she show favouritism towards DS? Would it be noticeable to DD?

Totally.

Don't know if DD has noticed yet. They don't have the saem kind of relationship as the boys and I don't think that is all me looking for things.

It's the opposite with my MIL I think. She had all boys and is so excited to have a granddaughter that DD is the favourite and is very spoilt!

What does your DH say about all this?

He is fed up too. I have decided to stick up for her every time anything is said or done that I feel isn't fair to her.

I have spent my whole life knowing I wasn't the child my mother wanted and I will not have her feeling the same about her nanny.

Aha, so that is the root of it - you are anxious for your DD not to feel the way you did, so when MIL does anything that reminds you of your parents, it may be smaller things than what happened to you, which some people might think of as nothing much, but these things trigger your feelings from your past and this is why you feel so strongly about it. Do you think this could be right?

Totally.

So if you find a way to process your feelings from your past would it help you to cope with present situations including with MIL?

I have lots of weird issues and I can give a reason for every one. Not sure it helps really though.

DD just wet her knickers, said it was my faut and then took her shorts off and threw them at me.

Tempted to do pasta for tea but that would really annoy her.