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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just can't do it

19 replies

FeelLikeAFreak · 09/02/2005 14:39

I just can't have sex with my husband. We have been together for over 7 years but we haven't had sex for about the past 6 months. I am not depressed and I still love him very very much. I am still IN love with him as well. So why can't I sleep with him? He is getting very frustrated now and so am I. I want to have sex with him but I don't get the emotions that make you do it if that makes sense. What can I do?

OP posts:

Gwenick · 09/02/2005 14:42

This is going to sound odd, but did you know (apparently) that a womens sex drive increases the more she has sex and gets less the less you have it.......SO if that is true (which I believe it is as I've been there done that and still got a small t-shirt to prove it LOL) then as horrible as it sounds you need to start getting intimate with him. It DOESN'T have to be full blown intercourse, just a bit of foreplay and gradually your sex drive will increase again.

Original poster

FeelLikeAFreak · 09/02/2005 14:44

I've tried that but I just clam up and can't do it. My husband is starting to think he has done something wrong but he hasn't

OP posts:

oatcake · 09/02/2005 14:44

tricky. dh and I have had sex very few times since conception - 4 years ago!

I love him a lot but, unlike you, I just don't want sex with him.

The only thing I can suggest, and I will eventually practise what I preach, is see someone at relate.

You're not the only one though, and it's is very traumatic for both sides.

oatcake · 09/02/2005 14:45

Gwennick is correct.

DillyDally · 09/02/2005 14:46

What about doing intimate but non sexual things such as having a bath together?

Gwenick · 09/02/2005 14:46

ok perhaps you need to try what I had to do when I was diagnosed with vaginismus, go RIGHT back to basics. Imagine you're dating him for the very FIRST time, start off holding hands, then cuddling, kissing, fondling (clothes on) etc etc and gradually build. DON'T do it all at once, it could take months to get back to normal but it helped me a lot. Otherwise perhaps you could see a marrige councellor type person??

jbadgirl · 09/02/2005 14:47

I know its going to be hard for you but im sure once you take the first step it may all come back to you and you will probably think what was i so worried about

northstar · 09/02/2005 14:48

Have a few drinks? or
Ask him for a massage and see how you feel......
It is totally true for me that the more you have the more you want, I was single after having ds and went for a very long time quite happily without a sexual partner BUT now I am with dp couldn't imagine not having some kind of "fun" very regularly indeed

morningpaper · 09/02/2005 14:51

It is intercourse or ANYTHING sexual that you don't want?

Original poster

FeelLikeAFreak · 09/02/2005 14:52

I do want to do it....I just cant...

OP posts:

Gwenick · 09/02/2005 15:04

I'd definitely recommend going back to basics (as if you were teenagers - that is teeenagers of 'out' time not these new ones that have sex at 15!! ).

Go through each stage for as long as it takes for you to be comfortable. So if it means you spend the next 4 months only holding hands - then so be it. Then move on, make sure you talk properly to you DH about it too - so that he knows what the plan is, so if you're holding hands and he wants a hug, but you're not ready for that (for example) you can tell him and he won't be offended.

DH used to get REALLY grumpy with me, until I explained what 'process' we had to go through and why (the obvious reason being to have sex again) and was really patient with me after that.

Beetroot · 09/02/2005 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

FeelLikeAFreak · 09/02/2005 15:49

nothing happened to make me feel like this.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 09/02/2005 15:54

I think Gwenick is very right - the more sex you have, the more you want, and the less you have, the less you want. It's easy enough (for women, from what I know) to end up in the habit of not having sex, and not being too bothered by it. So even though, in theory, you miss it, it just seems like too much hassle.

From what I know, and have read, the recommended fix for these sorts of things is often to forbid intercourse. Just spend time cuddling and massaging and stroking each other, knowing that, for sure, you are not having intercourse at the end of it. Just get comfortable, enjoy each other, and remove the pressure. You may well find your libido returns.

Gwenick · 09/02/2005 16:00

NQC - you put that much better than me

maltesers · 09/02/2005 22:00

hi feelLikeaFreak, you sound like my dp who has little sex drive. it drives me mad, but if you dont have the urge its not your fault. try what gwenick suggested, go slowly one step at a time. my dp doesnt have the emotions that go with the act. can be related to depression, new baby or many other things. hope things get better for you, and here too ! !

sasa15 · 09/02/2005 22:03

a bottle of wine and couple of splifs will help!

sasa15 · 09/02/2005 22:19

GoingMad · 10/02/2005 16:56

You sound like you need to use so relaxation techniques! If you think about it to much, the mind takes over the body, and once your tense it just won't happen. Have you thought about going away for a sexy weekend?

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