Sobbing - is anyone out there ? Iam so desparate and miserable and lonely

[lisalisa]

I feel so empty. The only thing I have in my life is 5 wonderful well adjusted kids who I adore and adore me.

I have a very bad marriage - emotionally barren and devoid of any kind of contact - physical or emotional. Sometimes the lon=iliness and pain is so great I feel as if I will burst. Dh is nogt a friend to me 0 - just someone who criticses me and puts me down.

I have no real life close frineds to confide in - all apart fron one or tow childhood frineds thqat i do'nt see any more are mutual good time friends based on school kids friendships of our dcs and socail life. nOE of them I would ever tqalk to. Have spoken to some over the years and cuased enormoous social anguish and awkiardness - it's just not that kind of social circle where one bares one's soul - its all about how well we are doig blah balh ablah.

Parents are crap - my dad is lovely but unable to support e at all. My mum is difficult and nasty at time s - no support.

I really dont' have anyone in the world. At all. Apart from my kids it kind of occurs to me that no-one would carfe whether I even was here tomorrow or not. So miseralbe. So desparate.

The diffiuclt y of looking after 5 kids alone - of course he's going to pay gtricks wit the money and bugger off abroad where he came rom as its cheaper to live ( he said hwe would if we spolit ) and trying to work kwill probalby put me in an early grave anyway.

When I think back to life just 20 yrs ago - had a uni degree, on course to be a lawyer, world ahead of me. now - i've got nothing and no-one practually who cares about me. so lonly

oh lisa, I am so sorry to read this.

Can I be blunt and ask how old you are? As I think you may be a similar age to me (ie, 40s - PLEASE don't be offended if you're not, though!!!) and though I haven't complexities in my life which are anything like yours, I have recently had bouts of awful despair, which is quite unlike me. And I think it may well be change-of-life effects.

I say this not AT ALL to dismiss how you are feeling, but to say that, for me, being able to know that these feelings are being exacerbated by something over which I've no control makes them less powerful, less overwhelming.

Also - if age is in the mix, there are practical ways of managing the effects - not to make underlying issues go away, of course, but to make the feelings about them feel less relentless: eating well () and, of course, exercising - or other physical relaxation things, like massage. Actually, given how you are feeling physically, that's my first prescription - get yourself a massage, girl.

Now I do realise that with your children, lovely as they are, time to look after yourself (which is what I am suggesting) is harder than for others. If you can gird yourself to put the wheels in motion for that, though, I think you will see benefits.

And once you are feeling better in yourself, then is the time to look steadily at your underlying issues? - not while you are in a fragile place.

lisa - so sorry to hear of your upset

i totally agree that you need some time for yourself, to work through some issues and to get yourself in a better place mentally

could you go for some counselling? You know deep down you can't carry on like this, but the issues seem overwhelming so you don't know where to start

you have had lots of offers for coffees - think that is a good idea

i work in N London if that is near to you

Thank you really - thank you.

The last 2 days have been bitter silence. AS if we are living in totally separate houses.

Just to put the culture thing in persepctive thre are divorced people in our culture but not many and it is hard. Our weekemds revolve around fami.ly meals etc ( an y jewish people will know about these meals) and not having a man there makes it very difficult.

Im just sort of sitting there in apathy really - waiting for something to ahppen - I don't really know what.

WEre going awy on sunday for 2 weeks and am very much dreading that. We won't get the opportunity to srt everyhitng out and without any source of help with the childfrne etc ( he never helps) I am most likely to come back worn out.

Once about 5 yrs ago I started counselling. The counsellor , after a few sessions , seemed to be almost agreeing with me that I hshould divorce dh and the more I spoke about it the more real the issues became until I actually grew a bit worreid as if my choice had almost been taken away if that makes sense?

Was very interested to hear of the poster who grew up a s a child in this type of marriage and always sensed things weren't right. Very very much suspect its happening here too.....

lisalisa, whatever you do will be hard but I really wouldn't stay together if there's nothing between you other than the children.

I come from a very different culture from you and appreciate that that's a huge difference, but .... My parents split when I was born, my dad split with his second wife when their kids were about 10 and 8, my mum's second husband left her for someone else when when their kids were 12 and 15, I think I had it easiest as I never knew different.

Hope some of the offers here are ones that you can take up when you get back from your "holiday", not that that sounds like much fun.

lisalisa - for you, sounds horrendous.
I think you should try and regain some control in your life somehow, so you don't feel so crushed and oppressed by your situation. Your marriage does sound dead in the water and maybe you should consider ending it, despite the cultural issues.

I have a friend who is half Muslim Indian, half Arabic. Her father was abusive to her mother, so her mother (the arabic half) divorced him despite the intense cultural/ family pressure not to. She was the first one in the community to do anything like that but she was a brave lady and stood up to the criticism, and now it is more common.
It made a huge difference to her children as well - they are much happier because their father is not with them, and don't see him because he is not a pleasant man and has left the country to start a new life with a new family (poor them).

You sound like a caring, intelligent woman who just needs a bit of affection - not too much to ask, really - (((hugs))) for you and I hope you can find the answer you need to make your life better.

Hi Lisa, I'm another who read your post and wanted to say how I am to hear about your situation.

I think the suggestions about taking time for yourself are wonderful. Does your youngest child go to nursery? I presume she does as you are working . . . Are you able to fit in a regular exercise session or a massage or facial - anything really to lift your spirits. Also I think it sounds really important to meet up with some rl friends, lots of offers from other lovely mn's or maybe you could get in touch with someone you use to be close to? I'm so sorry your parents aren't able to be kind and support you, is there anyone else in your family you can talk to - not necessarily about your marriage if that is difficult but just about ordinary things?

Loneliness is awful, and the responsibility of a large family is very draining. I'm sure you are a super mum to your dc's, but it must be hard without support and affection. I'm sending you a virtual hug if that's any help .

Also I think as you are able to share how you feel with people here and hopefully someone kind in rl then you will realise that lots of us have gone through dreadful periods of despair and unhappiness and come through the other side. You are not alone, and there are lots of wonderful people here who can offer much support - even if only in the virtual world.

Hi Lisa,

so sad reading this post!

I remember your post a couple of weeks ago. Sounded so happy, hope the dinner party went well.

You have to stop putting up a good face for others. think of yourself and your children. Yes they will have guessed what's going on and yes they too will fall under the same cloud of silence and doom and gloom if you let the community decide that you must bear and grin for the rest of your life.

Because the rest of your life is long God willing

Have you heard of her:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naomi_Alderman

I'm not suggesting any drastic measure a la naomi but her novel was an eye opener.
Beneath to smooth surface of strictly obedient close nit communities, there is a lot of s*t. Every family has ups and downs. But you know that already.
The question she addresses is why fear happiness.

I fully understand that you prefer to avoid divorce but don't stay under the same roof and just drift apart. The silence is so isolating for you and devastating for the children who will loathe coming home to such a heavy athmosphere.

Would he be open to some sort of counselling?
Do you have a sympathetic rabbi?
Would it be absolutely felt like betrayal if you tried to gravitate towards more liberal circles? It would be difficult in the beginning but long term maybe liberating? Maybe you could start by joining more liberal social clubs (talks/book clubs/playdates etc,,,) just to meet new faces?

I don't know what else to say......

I have to add, am not jewish myself but have lots of friends, most of them liberal but even there the weight of tradition is tremendous so I know how difficult it is to even begin to think of life without the constant influence of the community.

There must be a medium way. You are at crossroads and must find what will make YOU happy now.
Be utterly selfish. Treat yourself, pamper yourself. Do your own thing with your children. Enjoy their company. create a happy shinny athmosphere for YOU and DC and they will naturally gravitate towards you.
Ignore him. Don't include him in your plans. waste of time.
Appart from the schedule of weekend meals, organise your leisure time with time for you and time for DC.

If he is smart enough he will go along and start cheering up.

big hugs

Hi Lisa,
I'm a new member - a young gay mama with a 4 month old son. I feel like I can relate to how you're feeling although our circumstances are different. I am fortunate enough to have a supportive partner and even so motherhood is stressful and lonely.

I live over 200 miles away from all of my family and don't have a single friend. I am too self-conscious about motherhood to try and socialise with people my age and too self-conscious about my age and the fact that I' in a same sex relationship to socialise with other mothers - that's why I signed up to this site this morning, I'm determined to get out of this lonely and demoralising cycle.

For the sake of yourself and vicariously that of your children please do not force youself to stay in an unhappy relationship. My parents did it until I was 20 and it was a horrible mess - my whole childhood all I ever wanted was have two happy SEPERATE parents - staying together is not necessarily the best choice for your children. Whatever keeps you happy and healthy and therefore able to emotionally support your children the best you can is what will ultimately be the best decision for them.

In the mean time it seems that you really need some support. Where do you live? Can you contact other mothers to meet up with via your local mums net or NCT site? If you're near London I'd be happy to meet up if you would like. Alternatively try the meet a mum association site at www.mama.co.uk/ or their helpline (Helpline: +44 0845 120 3746 - 7pm - 10pm Weekdays Only) if you need to hear a human voice. The site also contains links to other depression and post-natal depression sites which may be useful.

I think you should schedule an appointment with your GP as soon as you can to discuss your feelings and possible ways he/she can help. Things won't improve on their own - make contact with someone soon and start to work towards creating the support network you desire. Its a huge first step to have posted here so, without meaning to sound condescending - allow yourself to feel good about that.

I hope this helps.

Lisa - i KNOW what you mean about the Jewish Community but Slim's post is very eloquent

could you see your Rebbetson?

What about the JMC = they have a counselling service and would be able to fully relate to some of the cultural pressures you are feeling which can feel so overwhelming

Perhaps when you had your counselling 5 years ago you weren't ready to make the leap which is why you felt "pushed" into it?

i think you are at a point where you have to choose a path and that is scary

have a most un MN like ((((hug))))

Sorry - only got time for a quick post, but I didn't want to see your post and leave it unanswered.

You said that it would be "very difficult" to be without a husband in your circumstances... but isn't life very difficult anyway? Would it really be worse than living as you're living now?

Or is there any hope of salvaging your marriage? Is your husband happy - or do you think he feels trapped, too? Would you and your dh consider trying some form of marriage guidance - say Relate or something like that?

I have now decided to divorce. Just re-reading this thread and seeing teh utter misry that I am in put down so starkely has pushed me forwarfd to. We had a very very bad holiday which was to be epxected and are now in another phase of not talking. I am so much happier and more peaceful when he's not around. Having made the decision I feel a lot stronger..........

best wishes and strength now you see a way forward.