Support thread for abuse victims/surivors

[paperchain]

Didnt know where to put this

Dont even know if it is a good idea for me, but...

When I was a child I was sexually abused by a man at my childminder's house. It has left all sorts of scars.

I am in therapy now and am just starting to talk about it - although talking verbally is still very hard.

It was suggested I start a support thread

There are many times when I could do with an empathetic ear

PCx

Hello again, just joining your thread like I promised

I agree that writing is often so much easier than talking. When I first started making myself tell my therapist the facts/details of my stuff I couldn't look at him, I stared at the floor, gritted my teeth and had to force the words out in a robotic fashion (I couldn't risk getting emotional and unable to speak). I felt so embarrassed and ashamed - I think this is a really common thing with abuse, especially sexual. Were you like this?

I would not have made myself go to therapy and do it but my problems were starting to affect my relationship with DD. Was there a particular thing that prompted you to get the help at last?

Have you been able to tell your therapist much of it yet? Does he/she make you feel comfortable and safe? I hope so.

I will be happy/honoured to be one of your empathetic listeners

awwwww I have come over all warm and fuzzy!

now on to the serious stuff....

I have been in therapy on and off for 2.5 years. Last summer was my 'turning point' when I ended up in hospital. I have had a vg pyschotherapist for over a year now and I still cant say the words to her. I have written about it and she has said things which I have nodded too etc

I am only just discovering my emotions - I cant cry for example. I trust her and feel safe with her but we have some 36 year old barriers to break down before I can 'allow' myself to let go

I have many 'problems' and traits whcih I am trying to deal with

what about you?

PCx

It sounds like it has been really hard for you if you still can't say any of the words! That first time when you really say something is a really massive thing though. Creating this thread is very courageous as well.

I had 2 therapists at different times earlier in my life. I am 36 too. I don't know if it was because they weren't very good or because I just wasn't ready, but I couldn't say the words to them and the therapy didn't help much. My current therapist is wonderful and I have been able to say things I never thought I would say.

When you went into hospital is it because you hurt yourself? Sorry if I am being too nosy. Turning your feelings against yourself when you don't feel you can express them is so damaging. It is the bastard who abused you who deserves this damage not you.

Problems/traits caused by abuse - I think it contributes to my feeling of unimportance. Also the feeling that there is something wrong with me which people could see which made them do that to me. I feel I am a weak person because I didn't stop them and I often feel I could have done more to try to stop them. I have irrational fears of being transported to the past and going through it all again because I haven't really changed and I am still weak.

I am angry but haven't known who to direct it at and haven't had an appropriate way to get it out. It has made me drink too much/exercise too hard/take risks/despise myself/take it out on DH and DCs.

I have had encounters with men who I have allowed to treat me badly because I thought it was all I deserved and I don't know what boundaries are normal. It has been hard for me to understand what is and isn't normal and I have only just realised how much of my childhood was NOT normal. I have put too much emphasis on sex to feel wanted when it often makes you end up feeling used. I feel it has warped my view of sex and I feel that the thoughts that come into my mind during sex are unhealthy.

I let friends/family do things which upset me and I hardly ever stand up for myself. My relationship with my family is bad because I'm angry with parents for not stopping bad things happening to me and my relationship with my bro is abnormal because he was one of the people who abused me.

I don't feel anyone will ever take me seriously and I lack confidence in some ways. I never got far in a career. I've had lots of depression. God, once I've started listing things, I could go on and on for ages. I've never put the effects of my experiences as a list like this before though, it could be quite useful.

What is your list? (only if you want to, I would never try to force you to say anything).

I'm going to bed now but will be back tomorrow. Night Night

thanks for sharing so much AN - very brave of you. I am about to go to bed so wont say any more tonight, but I will come back.

Feeling bit 'edgey' but need to try to sleep.

Thanks for encouraging me to start this AN

PCx

Had some bad dreams last night. But they were definitely dreams, not flash backs, as I was asleep. I think that is better. For me. I will be around this evening. Hoping you have a good day AN

PCx

paperchain,i am extremely proud of you,i know what a lot this has taken x

Paperchain, how are you? Why are bad dreams better than flashbacks? I hate how the brain does that to you. You try to not think about things then your brain makes you dream about them or suddenly flashes it into your consciousness. It must mean that we need to deal with it and not bury it.

Can I ask you - did you tell anyone when you were a child and did they listen? I feel more damaged by my parents not helping me than by the people who did it. Is this back to front?

Sorry AN, had a turbulant few days.

No I didnt tell anyone. I was threatened. I keep it all inside. And now all these years later I am still stuggling because I keep things inside

today has not been a good day. Yesterday and the day before were not good either.

Nothing to do with the abuse stuff. Just the usual crappiness that I attract.

But I am feeling particularly vulnerable right now

turbulant?

speeling (sic) is the first thing to go...

do you need to chat paperchain ?

thansk mummlyin

there is a fight going on here atm so I am back and forth

well you know how to reach me if you need or want to x

yes have you online on msn now thanks

PC, Sorry you aren't feeling good. What sort of crappiness do you attract? People who treat you badly?

I'm not surprised you are feeling vulnerable if you are going over past things that happened with your therapist at the moment. It is a hard stage you have to go through before things start to get better.

Repression is so damaging to your insides but so hard a habit to break. It isn't your fault you are repressed, you were taught to do this as a child. It is one of the things your therapist will hopefully help you to unlearn. It means that you take longer to get over things now I think because your first reaction to a bad thing is to not react, then it builds up inside you and leaks out slowly over time, but for longer than if you just had a quick blow up of expression and then moved on. This is how I am too. It makes life much harder work.

Ranting on MN is good for getting some of it out I think, once you relax enough to say more and more.

I bought a children's cricket bat recently for bashing a football in the cellar with to help get anger out. Is there something physical you could do to release anger rather than turning it in on yourself?

yes unfortunately I SH

Hello.... It's so hard sometimes, to move the crap away from you. I am slowly realising that my father's madness and violence and awful behaviour is not actually my fault and in fact, nothing whatsoever to do with me. I still drink far too much and I'm still inclined to beat myself up about stuff, and I wonder what is just me being me, and what is me because of what has happened to me.

Abuse does horrible things, and I think that a lot of getting better is finding the right support. At the moment, I am getting some help from Womens Aid, because of the violence in my parental family.

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I am sorry