mutual friends, and h's affair.... how to deal with it?

[ratbunny]

h had an affair. he walked out on our 16mo son and was shagging a colleague nearly 10 yrs younger. this went on for a couple of months.
in short, he has lied and lied and lied.
eg. he told me he stopped seeing her and wanted to talk to me about getting back together, but he then took her to meet his mum, and was still shagging her. he also lies even now that he isnt seeing her, but I know he is. (dont ask me how, cos I dont want to reveal my inner criminal...)

anyway, we have mutual friends, of course. he hasnt seen them for ages, and they have been my rock. but he is back in contact with them, and is going to go round for them in the immediate future.

Now I KNOW I have no right to stop this, or to expect them to do anything else, but it makes me REALLY uncomfortable. This is why:

1. He says I 'made him' have an affair. Obviously, I am not responsible for his actions, and he didnt need to shag this other woman while he was still with me. But I am worried that our friends will see his point of view. Or at least that they will agree with him, and that will justify his awful treatment of me.

1. I am scared they will believe his lies. eg his saying he isnt seeing her while he definitely is. And his saying i am being really unreasonable (cos that is waht he will say since I wont take him back while he is still seeing her). And I am scared that will affect our friendship.

1. I am worried they may accidently tell him what I am up to / my future plans. I have confided a lot in them.

Now I KNOW I cant expect them to take sides. But I guess he has treated (and is still treating me, through his constant lies) me so badly, it hurts that the people who I have relied on so much to get through this may sympathise with him.

I am not giving them much credit, am I? But these are genuine worries. They have given me SO MUCH support, I am scared of losing it.

So, how do I deal with this? I know I cant stop it happening, as he is also THEIR friend. But do I tell them I am uncomfortable?

What do I do?

Can you confide in them about your worries ?

I think you need to trust your friends - I'm sure they have your best interests at heart (hugs)

yeah, I was thnking of just saying to them
I know I'm being silly, but....
but I kind of feel bad for saying that to them. Like I would be putting them in the middle.

Sometimes I think an affair can polarise friends. You need to know who is with you and who is with him iyswim.

This is really important. It's sad it has to be this way but affairs are crappy like that

I am the friend in this situation- my BF DH walked out on her when she was 8 months pregnant and had a 4 year old. We have met up with him and been friendly, but there is no question where my loyalties lie- with my friend the injured party. I'm sure your friends will be the same.

If they have supported you through this then they must know what he is like - the lies he is capable of telling.

I can understand the insecurity you are feeling. I bet your friends will come through for you.

so do I tell them how I feel?
and what should I say so they dont feel put in the middle?

IME I think that in these sorts of situations people don't mention the affair/relationship if they can avoid it. They will stick to other subjects such as sport and the weather. He is not going to mention anything, because he is a man, and they will not want to discuss it. And won't really want to KNOW. So I would try not to stress about it. I don't think it will be a hot topic of discussion and anyone who knows you will understand that you are hurt and will want confidence kept confident.

I think even though they are your friends, you must understand that they are mutual friends and therefore are not best placed for you to confide everything in. You need to find another source of support, family? where you don't have this confliict.

a man having an affair and telling lies and blaming you - Its not attractive is it?

Like suwoo I have been one of the friends in a situation like this. I could see why the husband did what he did (an affair, the lies to not upset the wife even more, then settling down with the OW). I found that my friend always said she expected total honesty but couldn't handle the truth and got very cross with her gal pals, too, when we told her that we saw him slipping away and she did nothing to stop that. He was lying to her because he knew she'd rip him apart if he told the truth and he didn't want to keep fighting with her because it was all over for him.

She then sought refuge with his family and has now effectively split them apart. Through all this I have been a friend with an open ear, a bottle of wine, a bed just in case she needed it and lots of time and advice when she asked. But I have also been honest and told her when I thought that she was going overboard and was rather damaging herself than letting the wound heal. We've had ups and downs but she's come through and with the help of us girls she's got a new BF, with whom she matches much better and a new outlook on life.

If you were my friend I'd discourage you from approaching his family and turning your circle of friends against him. I presume they are intelligent, goodhearted people and capable of making their own decisions. I'm sure they will protect your secrets and love you as much as before. Give them a chance, to check out your H and see for themselves what lies he's telling and how he's hurt you. Chances are, they'll move closer to you anyway, out of their own free will. If you are still scared they might kiss& tell, then I'd wonder if they are such good friends to begin with. Keeping schtum re your plans to him should be very obvious.

The only friends we (my Ex and I had) were the friends I made over here in the USA. Most of them he never says as they would probably tell him exactly what they think of his actions. Some (my wonderful ex-neighbors) still see him and are civil and I would expect them to be just that. They are good people. They do not judge him to his face, but neither will they go out of their way.

If they are truly good friends of yours explain how it makes you feel, but please do not make them choose. Hard as that is. I left our friends to make their own choice and they did.

Good luck I can imagine how hard it is for you.

talked to them last night.
they were fab. they said they are there for both of us, and actually laughed (in a good way) when I said I thought h might make me out to be totally to blame and unreasonable. They said they wont take sides, but they do think he is behaving appalingly. And they do NOT want to meet her, if he wanted to introduce her to them.

Love them

great! well done you