trouble and strife with life

[newdad2]

I've been a sahd for 23 months. DS is 13 mths and I looked after DW during entire pregnancy. (She had miscarriage and ectopic previously). We've been together 14 years and married for two.
Everything seemed fine until a couple of weekends ago. To cut a long story short we got into a fight - a physical fight and it didn't end well.
I left and called an ambulance and police. She sustained a bump on the head and whiplash. I got a caution for common assault.
We have never fought like this. She works hard all week, some very early mornings and some weekends, and brings work home. I feel lost and broken and there is nothing that anyone can say that I haven't thought of already. I am on the books for counselling and asked for this immediately. We are talking and I see DS regularly and trying to patch things up - remembering our vows to each other.
I don't know why I flipped. I was stressed all day, her mum called me an 'idiot' earlier on. I can't go out to work because there is no one to look after DS. My mum can do a good job but has a phobia about going out with him on her own so therefore no toddler groups etc. I feel trapped with a real sense of lost identity, I don't see my friends really. Admittedly I'm seeing them more now than before. A part of me likes this return to single life. Also I told DW that I have to love her a little less each day we are apart because it is the only way I can get through it - its too painful. She naturally feels scared. She says she wants the old me back. we are trying a slow return to the house with me on the futon. She is trying as well. It's just some days we are up and others we are down.

its so hard isn't it

your post could have been written by many of us on here, apart from the fight bit.

I hope writing it down helped a little

Why can't you go out to work and put your ds in childcare? Even if it's only a day or two a week it would help?

Can't afford childcare just yet. Already checked that out in hope that we could do it for a couple of days. But DW said that we couldn't afford it just yet.

Unless she earns loads then you will get tax credits to cover child care. Does she know about tax credits? Check it out because I'm sure you could afford it. At the end of the day even if you end up a little worse off it's worth it for your happiness and the sake of your relationship.

I can see that you might want your son to go out, so your mum isn't a brilliant option for fulltime childcare, but why not ask her to have your ds for part of the time - and then you can get out/have some time to yourself or even look for a part time job.

Sounds to me as if you have become too dependent on your DW and that she has become a little too controlling of you.

you both need to work 16 hours or more to get tax credits

you gave her whiplash? And you tell her you love her a little less each day?

I hope you get the counselling you need and I hope your wife is getting help and support to deal with what has happened..

you assaulted her and gave her whiplash

that is serious

no wonder your wife is scared

i hope she is also getting counselling and support too

you need to work out why you flipped and TBH if you are both in the same house, you have a very understanding wife

i think you do need to get out and find alternative childcare for your ds for a couple of days a week.

assault is extremely serious and you have broken a fundamental trust. don't underestimate the effects of that.

go get help and make sure it never ever happens again.

Thanks for your comments so far. I'm not living at home and DW and DS are with MIL. I have sought advice re family tax credits and been to an advisor through Early Start. Giving our financial situation we do not qualify. DW accepted she needs counseling for what has happened and then couple counseling- -this is her idea. She is being pro active in putting a programme together for days out as a family and as a couple.

I doubt very much that I will gain her trust as before. If I do it will take years. We agreed that if I am to return to house then practical steps must be taken to ensure that this does not happen again ie that the stresses are reduced. I need to spend more time out of the house and during that time she can do her work. We must spend some time together every evening.

We talk about things that really matter. I pointed out to her that besides talking about DS and her job, we don't really have that much in common at the moment.

Interesting about the aspect of dependency. I'm not sure if either of us have really had true independence. We've relied on each other for so long maybe we have forgotten.

I find it hard to read when you say "DW accepted she needs counseling for what has happened and then couple counseling- -this is her idea" - how do you feel? Surely you can see that you need counselling too, if only to deal with your anger which turned to physical abuse!

People do get stressed and it concerns me that you seem to be blaming stresses in life on your actions. Maybe you should start by realising that domestic violence doesn't happen because of stressful lives?

It's normal with small children to talk about work and kids.
You clearly need to get back to work. I don't believe that if just one of you earns too much for any tax credits that you can't afford any childcare if TWO of you are working. That doesn't make any sense to me.
What sort of work did you used to do?
Why is it your wife's decision as to whether you go back to work.
Also, what happened in this 'fight'? Did you attack her? If my dh attacked me, that would be it.

And if you go around hitting her then telling her you 'love her a little less each day', I really wonder how much you really want to stay in this marriage.

I don't want to comment on the fight/counselling etc as it seems as though you both know you need outside help.

What I'd like to add is that toddler groups etc are not that important imho. My mum has looked after ds for 2 years and he's never been to a toddler group.
She does all sorts of activities with him at home, reading, painting, games, cooking etc and he is a lovely balanced little boy. Me and H take him out to do the park/library/swimming etc activities at weekends, in the evenings or when we're off with him.

You really do sound like you need to get back to work and you both need to develop your lives both as a couple and as individuals.

Your mum sounds like an excellent option to help you move forward from this nightmare.

What I meant was DW has some of her own issues - anger as well. Her family acknowledge what she can be like. She needs to work through what she is feeling about our marriage. I am praising my wife for being pro active about couple counseling. It's weird writing this stuff because as I write I know what I mean but it doesn't always read as I intended.

I've read many threads where women say they had no idea there was a problem until their partner suddenly said they didn't love them anymore. I want to address these issues now before it really is too late. You are right about how much I want to stay in this marriage. I don't want to stay in this marriage if nothing improves. I don't want to turn to her one day and say 'who are you?' and visa versa.

I reiterate, the longer I am away from her the more pain it causes and I have to love her a little less to survive each day. When I am with her and DS at w'ends I get 'filled up' again. I asked for phone numbers for counseling when at the police station after getting arrested. They gave me a number for relate. I am getting 8 NHS sessions starting from September 3 and will have open ended sessions with a counseling charity.

In terms of the fight:
She thought I threw something at her. I didn't. I just didn't look when she moved in the way. I don't know if the sudocream hit her. She said it glanced by. She then came at me with her her hand raised as if to hit me and I thought she was going to hurt me (she has pushed and slapped me before in her anger - not hard or anything). It takes two to fight and I have never retaliated before. But this time I just snapped. I told her not to hit me - so she did and that was that. The police told me and she confirmed that she gave as good as she got. It was pushing and shoving. In the ensuing tussle she got hurt. I did not hit her or slap her.

This is not me. I have never been violent before apart from the odd tussle at school. Something very wrong has happened to me and it needs to get sorted.

The parent/ toddler groups also serve a purpose of supporting the mums. This is not quite the same for SAHDs. I go along and there is a feeling of 'you're a bloke - you don't belong here'. It is quite isolating. My friends don't really understand. They are not in the same situation. Mumsnet has afforded help in the past but there is nothing like having a face to face conversation. Especially with the one you love. Unfortunately she has been too preoccupied and tired to listen and I having been putting it off or not being assertive enough so she understands how unhappy I am.

In terms of working again. The extended family realise there is a problem and will help out from next month, Looks like I could do a 3 day week.