The saga continues.. is this normal behaviour for a 37 year old man? And should I marry him if I feel like this?

[WhatsupDoc]

Hi everyone

The saga continues.. (my last post is here)

I know I said my DP is hard work, but I just wanted to share some examples and ask for opinions as to whether his behaviour is odd or not (I think it's weird)

Some examples of things he does/has done:

Saved a strawberry in a glass jar for a year as an experiment to see how it deteriorated (lived on his study windowsill, he wouldn't let me throw it out)

He caught a spider in the bathroom one day - I didn't think anything of it - then I discovered he'd kept it in a jam jar (pierced the lid for air) and went out every evening and caught flies to feed it. Then a few weeks later he caught another spider and put it in the same jar to see what would happen.

We have been in our house for a year and have a huge, unkept mature garden with 6 vegetable patches. I tried to encourage DP to do some gardening to get him away from the TV and internet. His idea of gardening is as follows:

buy a bag of birdseed and plant it (to see what happens)

buy sunflower seeds (meant as petfood) and plant them somewhere else

buy grass seed and plant another vegetable plot with it

dig up a patch of lawn, replant it in a flowerbed and let it grow so it produces seeds which he can sow somewhere else

Other random weirdness includes:

Keeping the t-shirt he wore for DDs birth (complete with blood spatterings) hanging up in wardrobe - I discovered it last month, covered in mould (yup, he refused to wash it) We had a huge fight about washing it, I eventually won

Has kept both DC umbilical cord clips in a jamjar, complete with umbilical cord stump (looks for nauseous emoticon )

I could go on

I'm at the point where I feel I need to make a decision whether to stay in the relationship and make a committment to it (i.e. get married) or plan my escape. I just find it really hard to relate to him at the moment.

Opinions please?

Do you know the spider was pregnant before she got put in the jar? Maybe THAT's what happened

He sounds a bit Aspergers to me as well (is this the bloke who won't wear a suit or eat veg?) If his behaviour is already getting on your tits then don't marry him: why marry someone who you think is 'hard work'? Why stay in a relationship with someone who you think is 'hard work'/wierd? He doesn't sound like a bad person, just a little unusual, but you won't be able to make him change all his behaviours just because you don't like them. And his behaviour is not wrong, it just doesn't appeal to you.
So I'm wondering: is he the best shag in the world or are you just desperate to be half a couple and therefore determined to mould him into your perfect partner?

he sounds great but you sound a bit judgey

He sounds very like a boyfriend I had who was - you guessed it - diagnosed aspergers. He used do keep odd things in jamjars too.

I can see how it would be pretty hard to live with. It sounds sweet, but when someone really is living their whole like slightly out of kilter with normality, that's tough on their partner. There's no 'cure' for aspergers, but cbt can help.

I think you need some help to decide what you want. He is the father of your kids, and that's abig thing to walk away from. He may be odd, but he's their daddy, and they need him. But I can see why you're struggling, especially because if it is aspergers, his lack of emotional inimacyu is unlikely to change. Could you get some relationship counselling?

I'll sign in here as another 'weirdo': I kept the nightie I wore when I gave birth, also didn't wash it for about a year. I wear my son's umbilical stump (or a bit of it anyway) in a locket around my neck. Also made little talismans with bits of his hair and flakes of cradlecap when he was tiny! I keep one in my purse

I did want to keep his first soiled nappy and frame it but wasn't sure how.

Must add I'm a fully functioning woman of 30
(also single, mind you...hehe)

Don't be too hard on him he's done nothing wrong. If someone's quirks are annoying you then it's often a sign you're spending too much time together and getting wound up by trivia.

He might just be slightly eccentric but I'd echo the others and say possibly aspergers- they tend to obsess over things- but unless he shows other signs ofi t I would be wary of jumping to a conclusion on that.

What does he do for a job?

WatsupDoc wrote: "I'm at the point where I feel I need to make a decision whether to stay in the relationship and make a committment to it (i.e. get married) or plan my escape"

I think your partner sounds really sweet, but what I do find weird is your phrase above. I would have thought that when you decided to have children with him you already made a commitment to the relationship.

I thought 'aspergers'by the time I was half way down your OP so I was pleased that other people mentioned it. He sounds eccentric but that can be quite an endearing quality. I don't think that you need to make any long term plans at the moment. I shouldn't get married as you are so unsure but neither do you need to escape. I should just relax, live day to day and see how it works out.

the op sounded uncannily likemy ex dp - when I met him I thought he was sweet, ecentric different etc and I adored him for it. II rememebr my mum agreeing that he was slightly "offbeat" but then so was I

Over the years though the same behaviour drove me to distraction cand finally did for us. There came a a point where I neeed to share nmy life with a grown up.He felt like an exta child to me.

I have oftgen thougth that he had/has Asperger's and it's no fun to live with ime.

I would take a step back and really consider if you could live with this long term

sorry about typos multitasking unsuccessfully here

he is obiously scentifically minded, i can see several people in our house doing the strawberry thing. you often find aspergers and science go hand in hand.

i dont think he is doing any harm. i think the t shirt is adorable and the strawberry could have stayed out of your way although the spiders was not clever (they eat each other). tbh i think hes too far one way and you are too far the other. he needs to notice you are bothered and you need to view this stuff with a sense of humour, you may even find you enjoy it!

i also echo what someone else said about kids being a way bigger commitment than marriage. its easy peasy to get a divorce but wrenching a family apart is a whole different matter. dont kid yourself the dc wont mind, they will

I don't think he sounds Aspie.

I know someone a bit like him - he would do all the stuff you mention, but would be more organised at sorting things out.

Does he do "normal" things too? Regular gardening, decorating, mending stuff etc? If he does, then I'd try and grit my teeth (easier said than done).

If he is used to strong characters, will he take instructions? For example "this weekend we are going to XXXXXXX"? Try one instruction at a time and help him get it done. I understand Aspergers/ADHD mencan deal with stuff better this way.

Good luck

All these replies have been SO helpful, I can't tell you. Thank you ladies.

I feel a bit bad because I have only posted some of the things that irritate me. There is loads of very positive stuff about him which I could list, but it's the weird stuff I wanted opinions on. I have also never shared any of this stuff with anyone in RL - people just think he's quiet and a bit quirky.

I am trying really hard because I do think we've got lots going for us. But ultimately I am struggling. Trying to make conversation is hard, and I miss it. e.g. the flower bed I've spent all week digging over - asked him for his opinions what to put in it (he said grass seed). Or what colour should we paint the lounge (black with mirrors and tiger print cushions). If I liked tiger print and grass seed it would be fine

The other day he had a long conversation about the feasibility of creating an attachment for a car which would allow cars to drive up behind lorries and latch on to them, so as to save petrol. He debated whether the lorry driver would notice, how much fuel would be saved etc. etc. If I said I thought it was a daft idea he would get very defensive and say I don't understand him OK, I'll hold my hands up to that one

The debate about marriage has only arisen because we have to get DD2 registered by 4th August and I don't know what surname to use (DD1 has his, but at the time I assumed we would get married (was v happy!) and he has since said he is not bothered about getting married). If we are not going to get married I would prefer the DC to have my surname but obviously this would mean changing DD1's surname. Anyway, that's the reason it's all up for debate at the moment. He has said we can get married if I want, he's not bothered.

I agree with JimJams - based on knowledge of someone else I know.
Would have suggested it as a possibility to be looked at, anyway.

zookeeper how many years did you spend with your ex? DP and I have been together for 8 now.

I thought he was so much fun when we met. Would do anything for a giggle and was very carefree. He's now the total opposite and although I really do try to cheer him up, it's very frustrating because nothing seems to work.

i don't think that others can tell you the answer.

the answer is inside you.

OK, more questions for you please!

I've been looking into Aspergers over lunchtime. Some of the 'symptoms' are uncannily accurate: difficulty in forming close friendships (he has none!) being intelligent and highly logical (check) and, in particular, being pedantic over language/taking language literally (I've lost count of the number of heated discussions we've had over him being pedantic over a simple expression which people use every day without a second thought).

He also gets very cross and frustrated when things aren't exactly where he wants them to be, i.e. if the towels aren't always in the same place, or if there are no clean socks, or if the nappies aren't where they should be. Although he is very disorganised himself, and would never think to put the towels away (hence I take it as a criticism of my domestic skills!)

However apparently people with Aspergers can be clumsy or have problems with coordination. Nothing could be further from the truth with my DP. He is a fantastic dancer, picks up new steps in the blink of an eye, and was a drummer in a band for several years. He can also juggle! So no probs with coordination there..

So does this mean Aspergers can be ruled out? Or is it possible to have some of the traits but not all?

Actually we watched a documentary on Aspergers a few years back, and I remember him saying it sounded like him..

He sounds like he has Aspergers to me. There arent always co-ordination problems.

if he says you can get married if you want, but 'he's not bothered', would you really want to?

I can see why outsiders might think him eccentic / quirky / amusing, but on a day to day basis, for the rest of your life, how wearing will it be?

Hi TattooedGrrl

It's really wearing. It always has been, but we've always had so much going on in our lives and I just chose to ignore it.

Since having DC I've blamed myself for not taking the time to understand him/be more patient with him etc.

It's really unsettled me this. Everything feels like it's clicked into place. Him having to have particular socks and the right colour shirts for the different days of the week... the more I think about it the more I see.

He is lovely with the DC though and we have a nice lifestyle. Maybe I should look to MN to find my intellectual and emotional needs instead

Whatsupdoc,

You may find this article to be of interest:-
www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?xml=/health/2008/04/06/st_aspergers.xml

Dittany I feel very much like his mother. He leaves all the decisions up to me. I'm not 100% comfortable with that, would prefer an equal partnership (especially as he has a habit of complaining about decisions after I've made them, even if I've asked for his help in making decisions)

His mum did everything for him, made all the decisions, very dominant personality. She still has a lot of influence over our lives (which is one of the main reasons I want to move, because I feel like we're a couple of children sometimes)

The marriage issue is a pain in the arse, he's always held back, like there was something wrong with me. It's been an ongoing issue.

Seabright he doesn't mend things/decorate etc but is really helpful around the house. He's very untidy and a total hoarder but if I ask him to do xy and z he gets on and does it.

We seem to have worked out a good partnership where if one cooks the other clears up etc. He gets DD1 up every morning and puts her to bed when he gets home so I can look after DD2.

girlnextdoor he does a fairly low paid admin job in his dad's firm. He doesn't really enjoy it but he's not bothered about doing anything about it.(I've tried helping him with that too over the years but don't get anywhere)

madamez yep he's great one thing I can't complain about!

If it is Aspergers it makes alot of things easier to understand. He gets obsessed about loads of things..

Dunno what to think now!

atilla that article was really insightful (if a little depressing), thank you

Looks like it's worked for some people, but have to say it wasn't the type of relationship I envisaged for myself!