Soooo a friend of mine has just been round for a coffee and said that I 'make ' DH do too much!!

[DustyTV]

She was saying how difficult she is finding it having a todler and being pg again.

I told her if she ever needed any time to herself or help with her LO to just pop him round here and I will have him for a few hours (she lives round the corner).
She then said to me, 'Well yes it is easy for you your DH helps you, sometimes I feel bad for him cos you make him do so much'

She has complained in the past that her DH wont help her with their lo.

I am quite shocked, yes DH works his arse of when he is at work, but I work my arse off while I am here at home. When DH gets in after work we share OUR responsibilites 50/50.
I do the tea, he cleans up after tea. He will do night time routine on one night and I the next. I do all night time wakings other than at the weekend when DH does either Friday or Saturday so that we both get a lay in.

I have never had to make him do his fair share, he just does it cos it is up to both of us.

Yes I am a SAHM, but I do all the cleaning apart from when DH does the kitchen after tea. I do the majority of the child care and dog care and anything else that needs doing or sorting. And DH works hard at his job.

Do you think he does too much?? I mean she seems to think I should do it ALL. She thinks when DH gets in from work I should run around after him and DD, even though I've done all the running around all day.

I was sat like this for the whole convo. Now I'm wondering if DH does too much.

What do you think.

Sounds like your friend has missed out on the last 75 years of feminism. Helllooooo-women aren't slaves: it's official.

Dusty about the only peaceful time dh gets in our house is the evenings that I work - I am very loud and chatty . I enjoy my shifts (more so since they are very compatible with our childcare arrangements.)

Once the dds are asleep (by 7.30 ish) he sits down with his dinner and a pint of whatever and chills out in peace.

Occasionally (not often as I am a community nurse) I get to take my half hour break in the evening. It is bliss to wander round Tesco or Boots or wherever unaccompanied by the dds!

Sounds just like my marriage (although I work very p/t)I agree it says more about her relationship than yours. Yours is perfectly well-balanced and normal IMO.

Fircone, why the cautionary tale? Are you saying if you expect your partner to do their fair share then you can expect them to leave you? That's ridiculous! The stories you mentioned are extreme. Dusty's marriage is fairly normal and respectful IMO.

No, sounds like about the right amount to me!
Me and my partner take it in turns to put the baby to bed. Whoever puts him to bed is then responsible for any night wakings (though there rarely are any). Whoever doesn't makes the dinner and washes up. We take it in turns to get him up in the morning which means at the weekend we both get a lie in.
Because I'm at home during the day I do most of the housework, laundry and I do all the menu planning and cooking for DS, though DP feeds him his tea if he's home in time.

Basically, he has his work during the day, I have mine, then when we are both home childcare responsibilities are shared. It works for us. We both get a break but also get a fair share of the fun stuff with our son.

If I got up at 5.30 and arrived home at 8.30, I would darn well expect dh to clean the house if he were a SAHD.

I just think that with the downsides of being at home come some pleasures (MumsNet!, freedom to manage one's own time to a certain extent, etc etc) and I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to do a day's graft and then tell them they've got to do their own laundry ("because I am a mother not a domestic servant").

fircone so if the same man is single, who should do his laundry then? (assuming he chooses not to send it to the laundry or employ a cleaner). Just because a man lives with a woman, it is not his right - imo - to expect his personal laundry to be done. Also I agree with previous poster who couldn't understand why a man couldn't clean his own personal bathroom?

After all, if a couple both work outside the home, and employ a nanny, generally the only domestic tasks the nanny will do are child-related when it comes to laundry, bath cleaning etc.

I think we may have to agree to disagree on this subject however.

I've just gotten off the phone with her and asked her if she is feeling ok as I thought she seems a little out of sorts earlier on. She appologised for what she said about me, she didn't mean it. She admitted to feeling a bit jelous (SP?) with regards to our DH's and wishes her would do more to help her.

I've told her not to worry about what she said, although I was a quite shocked, but understood that she is having a rough time at the minute. She has all sorts of pg complications, so no wonder she is feeling like crap.

I'm just getting ready now to go out (need to tear myself away from MN) to see her for a good chat.

Anyone got any ideas on how I can help her get through to her DH, I know it's got to come from her but maybe if I can give her some ideas it would be a start.

fircone - I agree with you

Ime (previous relationship) once a man is set in his ways and takes his dp for granted, then it can be very difficult to change things. If he is a reasonable man (and one hopes he is for your friend's sake) then I would suggest she sits down with him (in a very relaxed way) and asks him to suggest (as a start) a couple of tasks that he could take on.

Some men are prepared to take on more, but if your friend is of the type that thinks only she does things properly the she herself is going to have to give him a chance to do things his way.

Perhaps (just examples) he could decide to do the food shopping (in person or online); the laundry; the hoovering; anything really. But she has to let him get on with it and he has to make a genuine effort.

If it seems that it is a real issue in their relationship tbh you might be better to steer well clear. Especially if he shares the opinion that she voiced earlier (and a part of her probably still feels the same. He might not take kindly to her saying that Dusty's dh does stuff and he doesn't.

thanks OPOL, TBH if I know her she will be the one not letting him do things as she feels she can be the only one to do them. But he shouldn't let her IYSWIM.

I think if she asks I will put forward your suggestion and tell her if she wants me to babaysit one evening while her and her DH have sometime together to talk about it then I will have her DS for a few hours.

Thanks

Well she will HAVE to delegate a bit when the new baby arrives - she can't feed, bath and put both of them to bed at once, let alone cook the supper and tidy up at the same time.

So now is a good time for her DH to start getting a bit of practice in now so her toddler isn't too confused when the new baby arrives and suddenly daddy is putting him to bed instead.

Perhaps if she presents it in a positive way like this, rather than saying "I'm shattered and you never do anything to help me" it would be an easier conversation? For eg she could say "obviously when the new baby comes you will have to do a lot more with DC1 - I think we should start now so it's not a big issue when the time comes".

But I agree with Lollipop - this may be a bit of a minefield so tread carefully... you don't want her saying "Dusty says you are a crap husband"!!

I'm with firecone and anna on this.

My DHs ex doesn't even get up in time to bring the kids to school. He used to get up at 4.20am, in the car by 5.10, at the trading desk at 6.30 till 6pm, home by 7.30-8pm. She had a cleaner and an ironing lady and didn't have to lift a finger yet didn't manage to get the kids organised and put dinner on the table.

Personally I think it's ludicrous that the legal system recognized her contribution as equal to the job he did. Holding a job down like this, the long hours, the intense stress and the hassle with bosses, colleagues and clients plus the long drive and potential dangers of it IMO do not equal getting up at 8, hanging out in a tracksuit all day & chatting to GFs on the phone till kids come home. And the kids aren't toddlers anymore but nearly 10.

DH then having to do gardening, cleaning up after the cats and dogs, etc. and doing jobs around the house was just unfair. Her 'chores' certainly didn't equate to a hundred thousand pound job. No way.

I guess as long as your job division works, dusty, it's fine and your friend should mind her own business. For me & DH an arrangement like that just wouldn't work. If it was me who had his job I wouldn't want to come home to more work and cleaning.

Having said that, I do not think every SAHM is a slob. I'm writing in rgds to a personal experience and our relationship.

But Alexa, the law isn't just saying that being at home all day equates to working all day. It's recognising the fact that when one partner gives up work to SAH they are often sacrificing their own career and earning potential.

Your DH obviously works long hours in a stressful job. Mine does too. But there is no way he could do so if I worked f/t too. Nothing would ever get done and our kids would suffer. When we were in London he was rarely home before 8.30, now it's more like 7.30 which is great. He's also out by 7.30 in the morning. By choosing to SAH, I have sacrificed (hopefully temporarily) my career and earning power. The law is in place to recognise that.

Whenever I get upset about 'not bringing enough to the table' he always reminds me that he can only work how he works and earn what he earns because I am willing to SAH most of the week. He's a sweetie!

DH just read this and is now yapping at me to bring him beer then put the bin bags out! He's also calling me 'woman'!

See what you've started!

lol, myredcardigan, DH does that too, in a jokey way tells me to cook my tea woman, to which I tell him to get stuffed, in a jokey way.

Alexa, your Dh's ex sounds really lazy, but I am not like that. I have had an horrendous day today, so much so that as soon as DH came in the door looked at me asked what was wrong I just burst into tears. TBH I would love to be able to go back to work but at the minute it is just not fesible for our situation.

DH is in the job he has always wanted, he couldn't do that if I worked f/t too. I LOVED the job I gave up to SAH, but it was the only fesible option for us as a family. I certainly do not hang around in a tracksuit all day (Usually pj's ) I work my arse off here at home. As DH works his arse off when he is at work.

It's not about who has it hardest or who is more tired or who does more. Being a SAHM is a full time, hard as hell job. But I love it.

When DH and I were discussing childcare and such we both had the choice to SAH, DH earns only just slightly more than I did, but if he wanted to SH we could have made it work. I said this to him but he openly admitted that he would rather go to work as he finds it harder to stay home all day.

MRC, well, in my DH ex's case she had the earning potential of £13.000,- per year incl. bonus, etc. His: about 50 times as much. She was a in a temp job, there was no career, nothing. The job she did is done by computers or student assistants now. When the divorce settlement came through her input was seen as equal to his and I don't see why.

I abolutely aree with you on all though. I had my Mum around for 10 years and loved it!! Just wanted to say that there are some women who milk their husbands for cash and make them work while they themselves do absolutely FA. (As mentioned, this is a really private example and does not reflect general public behaviour by SAHM wives...far from it.) Most SAHM's I met should be called "The laundy, cleaning, ironing, cooking, soothing and driving fairies." You only notice their copious amounts of help once it's gone.

Yes dusty, she is. I also gathered from your post that you are busy as it is and you and your DH have found a great balance. Sorry to hear you've had a stressful day.

Madamez actually recommended a really interesting book: Wifework by Susan Maushart. Check it out on amazon.

I will check that book out Alexa. I don't feel hard done by though, far from it, I love the fact that I get to stay at home and see my baby girl grow up. A little bit more adult interaction without having dc there would be a wondrous thing though

Alexa, there's no doubt she sounds like a difficult woman but the law is there to protect partners who give up their careers to SAH thereby allowing the other partner to concentrate on building a career and making money.
As I said, DH could not earn what he earns if I also worked f/t so on top of my earning potential is also the boost it gives to his.

I don't feel hard done by either but I'm grateful that he appreciates that being pg and having 2 other children of 3 and under is hard work.