just need to have a rant on here so I can get it out of my system

[JoshandJamie]

DH started a new job 2 weeks ago. It is a very grown up job with lots of responsibility and a big pay packet to go with it. I wanted him to get the job as I knew it would be good for his career, a better job than what he had so he's be happier, and he'd be earning more which would help as things were getting a bit tight, not massively, but this makes things more comfortable.

I expected it would mean that he's not around much and I'm fairly used to that. However, since he started there two weeks ago, we've had to:

• cancel a lunch with friends that had been in the calendar for months as he had to go to the US on a last minute trip. That meant leaving last sunday which wiped out that weekend.
• cancel a sailing trip. It was a gift from him to me and yesterday we were meant to go sailing together. But because he was flying back from US, I had to find someone to take his place at the last minute. it was fun but it was meant to be a chance for us to spend some time together.

So that's two weekends wiped out (today he's recoving from jetlag but still having to help with gardening as we have a big party here next weekend and it has to get done.) this had put him in a foul mood, understandably.

And the best bit of all, is that he told me yesterday that our two week summer holiday in France is going to be cut short by a week as he has to get back for an important work thing. This was our first property holiday in 3 years. We're going with friends who are emigrating. We haven't even broken the news to them yet.

I don't know whether to stay for the extra week with the kids on my own or not. I could, but I think I'd feel like a spare wheel with the other couple and it would mean driving for 5 hours in France on my own with 2 kids, managing a ferry trip with them on my own and then driving the UK leg home too. It just doesn't appeal.

But i am so pissed off that he's not even been at this job 2 weeks and already it's scuppered our family holiday and two weekends in a row that we had planned things for.

The company did say that to compensate him cutting his holiday short, they'd pay for us to go for a weekend break somewhere in Europe and pay for the babysitting (who we'd pay to watch our children all weekend is another issue).

I know it's not his fault and he's new to the job and he needs to impress and he's tired from working hard. But I'm tired too from watching our children, running our home and running my business.

I am really angry but know I can't take it out on him. He's know I'm pissed off which is part of the reason he's in a grump, but his grumpy mood is making me even crosser.

Sigh. Sorry. There is no solution and if you've read all the way through this, well done. I just needed to get it off my chest so that I feel I can say: IT'S NOT FAIR and then move on.

so: IT'S NOT FAIR!

moving on now....

It's not fair but you can't be pissed off with him about it. It's disappointing but I'm sure it will settle down. A weekend break in Europe would be lovely, don't look for problems, try to make the best of it.

OK.. I can sympathise with this situation. My DH has always done jobs that need much, much more than a 9 to 5 committment. I had a holiday to barcelona booked and got 1 week's notice that he wasn't coming with us. Me and DCs went without him. We had a fab time.

He is up and out at 6am most mornings and sometimes doesnt get home until 10pm. He worked 200 miles from home for 5 years, so we were only together from saturday morning until sunday evening.

I used to spend a lot of time and energy getting cross and fuming internally about the unfairness of it, but I came to realise this was just eating me up and not achieving anything.

The best way to handle it is to tell yourself that he is doing it to keep his family. He is providing a lifestyle for his wife and DCs. He is a good man.

What I mean is ... don't take it personally.

I know. Everything you both say is true. Hence the fact that I had my rant on here and not at him. I know it's not his fault and I know he's doing it to provide a nice lifestyle for us, I'm just disappointed about the holiday. And weary of it all. Every job he's had has been like this and he's had 4 jobs in the last 4 years (for various reasons) and everytime he starts somewhere new he had to 'put in more effort because he's new'. This time he had better stay put.

It is hard, and I have lots of sympathy. If it helps, in my case at least the bitter resentment went away as it just became normal - my expectations lowered, and I just go on with more and more stuff on my own. And now I think our relationship is better for the absences - we miss each other, and make more of an effort to have a good time when he is around. And I remind myself a lot of the material comforts we all have as a result of DH's job.

Could you stay the exra week in the summer & get a flight back to England with the kids? Might be less hassle than the long drive/ferry/drive thing, depending on where you are on holiday & where you have to get to. Stick it on the credit card & pay it off with his new super-duper pay packet!!

My sis has this ALL the time with her DH so she too has decided to move on & now uses his/their hard earned cash to make life easier for them all ie extra help around the house/when travelling/treats out etc. there has to be a pay off! My BIl is pleased she does as it makes her happier & less stressed so when they DO get time off together they can enjoy the time they have!

Frustrating though!

I deeply sympathise. We have much of the same here and I do get fed up - but how can you compalin? Well, just places like this I guess.

Hopefully this might settle down a lot next year. A lot of the problem will be that the job was new and so plans you had made together didn't fit. This happened to us this year when dh got a new job. But I do try to make sure that he tries to plan around our major committments. Once you are settled in a job then I don't think that is too much to ask.

It seems churlish to compalin when the job keeps us all afloat. but I jsut recently asked dh if he was sure it was really worth it - I worry about the pressure and stress. But he want it - so there it is.

i completely understand your frustation my dh has a job which takes him away from home sometimes at the last minute.he travels all over the world and has had to miss family weddings,funerals.we can never book a holiday until the last minute either even then it's not guaranteed we'll go.dh gets pissed off with it but says if he didn't have this job we wouldn't have lifestyle we have.sometimes though spending time together is more important.

thanks ladies. I know I can't really complain but it does get hugely frustrating. Bossybritches I don't really think I can fly back - plus the ferry is all booked and we'll have our car there. I can see if I can change the ferry date and I leave early with DH or stay on, have a long holiday and then just have to face the awful trip back on my own. still haven't made up my mind.

Ah well just a thought!

You'll work it out.

Get used to travelling on your own with the kids. My DH has a similar job and I have travelled to the US, Australia and all over europe with the kids on my own. We still have a good time even when he is not there