Female perspective required - please! (bit long, sorry)

[saultanpepper]

Hello all

New member saying hi - and this is my first post so please be gentle

I've been married for 9 years, been with DW for 13. Sex life up until she fell pregnant with our daughter (six months after marriage in 1999) was great in terms of quality and quantity.

Since then it's been between sporadic and non-existent. While she was pregnant she went off sex completely (understandable), she suffered PND for twelve months postpartum and was also off sex for this time (also understandable) although we did manage it once or twice.

Six months passed and things were almost back to normal - then she fell pregnant with our son in August 2002, and he was born in May 2003.

We've had sex less than 25 times since our daughter was born, including trying for our son. This year's tally to date is twice.

Please don't think this is merely a man whining that he doesn't get any - this really is a major problem for me. DW says she has no problem with me, it's her; she won't even kiss me because she says that makes her feel like sex and she doesn't have the time/energy/inclination. I get a peck on the cheek before I go to work and another when she goes to bed. I need to feel loved and wanted and I haven't done that for years. I have asked her if it hurts, if there's anything wrong with me, if there's anything I can do; I've tried to make her feel loved and wanted with cuddles and no pressure to do anything else - I even made fresh lavender oil from the lavender plant in the garden for her bath, but nothing seems to get her in the mood. I've tried talking to her about it and she knows how I feel, but nothing seems to change.

I am now about three stone heavier than when our daughter was born as I freely admit to drinking most of a bottle of wine a night just so I can feel different to when I woke up. I love this woman and have done since I clapped eyes on her - but I can't live this this for much longer.

Advice/views welcome...and thanks in advance.

still no luck talking then tdotb?

morning

thanks for the replies all - fruitstick, you're a luv thankyou

LMDFJ - we use condoms as the pill didn't suit DW and she didn't fancy IUDs

cocolepew - understand the point re: backing off; I did exactly that for three months earlier this year, didn't mention sex at all, didn't go near her, so that she didn't feel under pressure at all. Didn't work...

ML - we share the wine and she drinks about the same as me, which we both know isn't good for us, we just haven't managed to break the cycle yet.

on the plus side - we did manage a kiss and cuddle last night, no sex, but it did feel pretty good...

tdotb - that's not good - I'm not quite at the hating waking up stage yet but that cannot be a good place to be. does she have any reasoning for acting this way?

Really feel for you. Our marriage foundered at this point, although there were many other factors too.
After our first baby was born, I was not just tired, but I could better describe it as simply "saturated". I could hardly bear to touch ex h. I still loved him, and found him attractive all the time.
The desire for physical contact came back after a couple of years (and another baby).

I agree, that your dw has got to feel that she can enjoy a cuddle without it leading to sex.

tdotb, that's very sad.

Update

Had a good long talk with dw this week - plucked up courage after reading a large number of threads on MN - and it turns out at some point in the past she's been called a prick tease, hence the lack of kissing/affection in case I think it means I'm in for a good time, every time. I suspect this was by some lanky hormonal twazak in his teens (which would make it about 20 years ago) who thought just because she snogged him it meant she wanted to get horizontal, but I didn;t press her for details. Although, to be fair - when I was 18, I have to say that I looked at the world through the hole in my dick...but no-one's perfect.

I was in two minds as to clip her round the ear (we've been married for ten years, ffs!!) or give her a cuddle. Thankfully, I chose the latter, and while we haven't managed to (ahem) get busy (ahem) so far, we have managed plenty of hugs, kisses, and considerably more joie de vivre than of late, and I think I've convinced her that wanting to doesn't mean having to, if you get my drift.

Anyway - wanted to thank those who replied and offered advice and indeed the MN community in general, as reading these boards played a major part in me facing up to (and hopefully dealing with) what was a serious issue in my life. If it's all right with you I might stick around for a while, some of the wisdom may rub off on me

xx